Friday, August 15, 2014

“Her boundaries are like walking through a field full of land mines.”

“Her boundaries are like walking through a field full of land mines.”


This is a statement about me from a person I once thought was a friend.  It is a statement she did not make to me, but to my best friend.  


“Her boundaries are like walking through a field full of land mines.”


It’s been well over a year since these words were written and I am still trying to wrap my head around them.
_________________


I have long known that I have issues relating to trauma and PTSD and for all these years I have just wanted, more than anything,  to be normal.  Not that I could describe what normal was, but I could always sense when my reactions to things were not the same as other people’s would be.   And when my reactions were not “normal”  I would feel a lot of shame.   Shame at what had originally happened to me and shame that I was now different.  I always felt like I had the equivalent of a scarlet letter on my chest when I became hyper vigilant in public or jumped sky high at a sound behind me, or started to cry if pressed in a crowd.   My need to feel safe became my disgrace, my need for privacy became my cowardice.


For all the years I was in therapy, Lauren worked with me on the need for boundaries.  My original thoughts were that boundaries were needed only by weak persons and that I would never be “normal”  if I required boundaries to survive life and relationships.  I thought I needed to eliminate the boundaries in order to be like everyone else.  But Lauren was finally able to make me see that just the opposite was true.


Setting boundaries is our first line of defense to protect ourselves from more emotional harm.  After working so hard on recovery, boundaries are what keep us from suffering more triggers and setbacks and from allowing PTSD to seep back into the cracks.   It is not weak to protect yourself.   In sports they say that a good defense is the best offense.   Setting healthy boundaries is an act of love - for yourself and for those who care about you.


PTSD is a chronic and life long condition.  Even now when I feel I have conquered it, I know that it is always there, lurking.  I know that if I don’t protect myself, it can come back.  And so I have set boundaries.  In my real life, these mostly revolve around needing to feel safe in my environment.   I ask people not to approach me unannounced.  I need to choose where to sit at a restaurant or theater, etc.  For my on-line life I have boundaries to protect my identity as I still don’t  know whether my attackers knew who I was or it was just random.   This fear had faded over time but I still get random emails or comments that scare me.   So even though most of you know me by name because we have corresponded outside this blog, I ask that you keep my name and my story private.   


I have been fortunate that all these years I have never had anyone not respect those boundaries.   Even the majority who have no idea where these issues come from, respect them.   Until this one women threw me off kilter.  


“Her boundaries are like walking through a field full of landmines.”


Ours was just a corresponding relationship and my boundaries seemed pretty simple to me -


- Don’t contact me through any other means than this one email address without my permission


- Don’t share what I share with you without my permission.

Yet she continually violated these boundaries.   She would share my most private stories and questions with her friends and husband.  Time and time again I would ask her not to but it continued.  She would write about me on her blog, and answer my concerns with “well, I didn’t use your name.”  Over and over I would explain to her that I needed to feel safe in the space we had created to share our stories but when she brought others into that space without me knowing, it became a very unsafe place for me.   She occasionally would email me at my work address (although I had never given it to her) or text my phone.  


And finally the relationship fell apart.  Me, too weary of all the violations and the constant string of insincere apologies only to have it happen again and again.  Her, apparently too tired of having to navigate my boundaries.


“Her boundaries are like walking through a field full of landmines.”


That one statement put me back in therapy.  Once again I was doubting my boundaries and feeling ashamed that I apparently needed this crutch that she labelled “land mines.”


Well, much like Lauren, my new therapist reassured me that boundaries are healthy and necessary.  They are not landmines. They are requests for respect.  It has taken me a while, but I am now much clearer about the kind of person who cannot or will not respect someone else's boundaries.  I do not want or need people like that in my life.


If you have experienced a trauma and require boundaries to make yourself feel safe, do not let someone shame you into feeling that you are damaged for setting limits.  This is akin to victim blaming, very common in rape culture.  Something bad happened to you.  It was not your fault.  Don’t let anyone devalue what you need now or marginalize your coping methods.  Do not apologize for it.


If so called friends don’t respect you, they are not really friends.  If you are a survivor, you are the best expert for what you need to feel safe.  If people care about you they will care about and respect your needs. Let the others go.  Living with PTSD is not easy but you have many strategies to use.  They are tools, not crutches.  Do not be ashamed to use them.


22 comments:

  1. I know you will delete any thing I write about this woman and how she treated you. But I do want to say that I have never found your boundary issues to be any more than polite requests to respect your privacy and to give you the space you need to feel safe. They are simple things that any person would, and should, afford any other person. The fact that she would not respect your wishes speaks volumes about her, not you.

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    1. Yes, I have come to understand this. Finally.

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  2. Thank you so so much for this! I will read it everyday!

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    1. It took me so long to learn this. I will never again let someone shame me into giving up my needs. I am glad if it helps you too.

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  3. From a different point of view, people in ministry are often instructed to set strong boundaries, particularly around their schedules and families. We also need to learn to deal with people who routinely ignore or violate those boundaries. From your narrative it sounds as if you tried numerous times to get this woman to understand and accept your boundaries. I have had people who constantly interrupt my day off, apologize profusely, only to do the same thing again. I am told this is common with passive-aggressive people who show hostility in indirect ways. In the end, sometimes the ONLY solution is to walk away. By the way, I am also told that you are under NO obligation to explain your boundaries to anyone, you merely have to be clear as to WHAT they are, not WHY.

    This has been a week of learning about mental health issues and how we can better help and support those who live daily with these issues on such a personal level. Thank you, as always, for sharing your journey and helping people better understand how to not only cope, but to thrive.

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    1. I agree that we should be under no obligation to explain our boundaries, which made it ever more painful that the more I explained, the worse her violations got. Maybe that's where I went wrong. Perhaps I should have just laid out my needs and the consequences of not respecting them. I could have saved myself a lot of pain and frustration.

      Thanks for sharing your experiences too. I think we all have a need for healthy boundaries . . . and a need for people to respect them.

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  4. Good to be rid of that one! Her boundaries were jelly and thoughtless. Repeat to self (you and I both): you NEVER need a no friend like that.

    I'm glad you moved on. Reading about her thoughtlessness of your feelings and needs pissed me off!

    Love
    kj

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    1. You made me smile, but my point was not to slam on this woman. Mostly I wanted to point out that we shouldn't allow ANYBODY, friend or foe, to disrespect our needs. And yes, a person who does is a no friend.

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  5. People can be so rude. Boo. Hiss.

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    1. Yep, and we need to learn to deal with them. I am apparently a very slow learner.

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  6. "Boundaries are tools, not crutches." This is such an important message to survivors to hear and understand. And for people like this woman to understand that not respecting a survivor's boundaries is like violating them all over again.

    Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope many read and heed.

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    1. It's funny because this woman always told me how she taught her teenage son to respect a girl's boundaries and that enthusiastic consent was needed. "No means no". Except for her when "no" meant "I will do whatever I want."

      No has to mean no. This is obviously of paramount importance to survivors. I cannot say it enough.

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  7. I know very little about your story, but enough to know to be very respectful of your needs. I CAN understand your online boundaries as I have them too. I tell my story in the first post of my blog, but long story short, I allowed myself to become friends with another blogger only to have her fixate on me and eventually email me that she had the blueprints of my home and knew where my bedroom was (ICK!) and where Bing and I worked and where my child attended school. She was jealous of Bing, accused me of leading her on. I was stunned. And terrified. I had never had any intentions toward her other than friendship and I was so angry at myself (I am in a psychological medical field) for not somehow figuring her out beforehand. I contacted the police, who informed me that while I could make her a "person of interest" if something happened to me, that unless she directly threatened my life or my family's life, there was nothing I could do. Bing, who was not out at her school, came out and alerted her co-workers. I was out at work, and alerted mine too. The hardest thing for me was having to go to my daughter's Montessori elem school and alert the principal that NO ONE other than Bing or myself was to EVER pick my daughter up from school. I felt watched all the time. This woman, I began to refer to her as my "pee butt stalker", was very, very wealthy and unemployed and enjoyed traveling. I could easily see her making a trip to my home. Bing, who is very savvy about computers discovered that she was employing at least three different computers and identities. She also somehow talked another woman into monitoring my blog posts, copying them and sending them to her. Later, another woman still would send me an apology confessing that she had been doing it too. I stopped blogging for months and then just became furious. My blog is mainly written for my daughter to have, a legacy from me. I decided that this lunatic was not going to stop me. But, believe me, I couldn't do this without Bing, who has every bell and whistle on to protect my blog and she has tracked her down twice more. People do awful things to others. Boundaries are important. I wish so badly that none of this had happened to you, but I so applaud your brave spirit. You and I often disagree on political matters, but I think we respect each other too. And so it goes.

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    1. THAT is terrifying! How very unsettling that she not only obtained floor plans of your house (for what purpose?) but made sure you knew it. Sick.

      We disagree often? I can only remember one difference of opinion. That issue aside, I think we share many more similarities, most importantly the love for our beautiful, athletic daughters and missing body parts.

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  8. I think we all need boundaries - and that is "normal". I am glad you were able to work through it in counseling. Respecting other's wishes - PTSD or not - should aways happen.

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    1. Yes, it took me a while to fully understand what was happening, and most importantly that this was her deficiency, not mine. But I eventually got there.

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  9. Boundaries are INCREDIBLY important and anyone who will not respect them shouldn't be welcome in your life. That's a pretty basic fact and the fact you can enforce good boundaries is really a show of strength. I'm sorry that this woman couldn't respect your needs and I know it's a sadness to lose her friendship, yet really, it's a blessing in disguise, really. Not having the stress of reinforcing your boundaries at every turn will most likely be very freeing.

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    1. You are so right and thank you for pointing this out. It has been a huge stress reduction not always waiting for the next violation, the next apology, the next thing to happen yet again. I didn't really notice it until you mentioned it - kind of like when a cold finally goes away.

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  10. “Her boundaries are like walking through a field full of landmines.”

    Try living with all of those landmines. I almost cannot believe how incredibly, willfully stupid someone would have to be to say something like that. Almost. Sadly, though, I do believe it. I'll never understand it.

    For those of us with PTSD, boundaries allow us to function in the world. You, my dear 8, are a testament to the positive and healing nature of maintaining strong boundaries. Anyone who overrides those boundaries has no right to be in your orbit. Good riddance.

    Continue to be the strong, loving, generous, cautious person that you are -- what works best for you is whatever you are doing.
    xoxoxoxox

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    1. I think her comment really had me questioning if my boundaries were unreasonable and it was probably good to re-examine them. But in the end, all feedback (including my own) was that no, they are very reasonable boundaries and that it was simply a lack or respect on her part, something that was not all that surprising given her personality.

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  11. Most people have a sense of what is and isn’t appropriate when it comes to respecting boundaries. However, we are bound to find individuals who don’t. These people are abusive…and if we don’t deal with them properly, they will continue to break boundaries time and time again.

    Think of boundaries as clothing. Why do we wear clothes? To keep warm, to protect from the elements, to protect our modesty from the stares of strangers. The purpose of a boundary is for PROTECTION, not EXCLUSION. We can remove our clothes whenever we wish, as with a lover, or in the shower. Boundaries are the same way. With strangers, we have more and wider boundaries than we do with those closest with us. Trust has a lot to do with boundaries. The whole point is that WE choose where our boundaries are, and then ask that others respect that choice. Just as it is wrong for another to tear off our clothes without our consent, it wrong for others to violate our boundaries without our consent and why we feel uncomfortable when they do! In fact, the mere fact that you feel uncomfortable with another's behavior tells you that they are, in fact, violating your boundary, whether you have a name for that boundary or not. A wall is for shutting the world out, a boundary simply draws the line between where the world ends, and you begin. Some people just don't understand where they end and you begin and will treat "you" as though you were part of "them".

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    1. This is an amazing analogy! Thank you for sharing it.

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