“Her boundaries are like walking through a field full of land mines.”

“Her boundaries are like walking through a field full of land mines.”

This is a statement about me from a person I once thought was a friend.  It is a statement she did not make to me, but to my best friend.  

“Her boundaries are like walking through a field full of land mines.”

It’s been well over a year since these words were written and I am still trying to wrap my head around them.

_________________

I have long known that I have issues relating to trauma and PTSD and for all these years I have just wanted, more than anything,  to be normal.  Not that I could describe what normal was, but I could always sense when my reactions to things were not the same as other people’s would be.   And when my reactions were not “normal”  I would feel a lot of shame.   Shame at what had originally happened to me and shame that I was now different.  I always felt like I had the equivalent of a scarlet letter on my chest when I became hyper vigilant in public or jumped sky high at a sound behind me, or started to cry if pressed in a crowd.   My need to feel safe became my disgrace, my need for privacy became my cowardice.

For all the years I was in therapy, Lauren worked with me on the need for boundaries.  My original thoughts were that boundaries were needed only by weak persons and that I would never be “normal”  if I required boundaries to survive life and relationships.  I thought I needed to eliminate the boundaries in order to be like everyone else.  But Lauren was finally able to make me see that just the opposite was true.

Setting boundaries is our first line of defense to protect ourselves from more emotional harm.  After working so hard on recovery, boundaries are what keep us from suffering more triggers and setbacks and from allowing PTSD to seep back into the cracks.   It is not weak to protect yourself.   In sports they say that a good defense is the best offense.   Setting healthy boundaries is an act of love - for yourself and for those who care about you.

PTSD is a chronic and life long condition.  Even now when I feel I have conquered it, I know that it is always there, lurking.  I know that if I don’t protect myself, it can come back.  And so I have set boundaries.  In my real life, these mostly revolve around needing to feel safe in my environment.   I ask people not to approach me unannounced.  I need to choose where to sit at a restaurant or theater, etc.  For my on-line life I have boundaries to protect my identity as I still don’t  know whether my attackers knew who I was or it was just random.   This fear had faded over time but I still get random emails or comments that scare me.   So even though most of you know me by name because we have corresponded outside this blog, I ask that you keep my name and my story private.   

I have been fortunate that all these years I have never had anyone not respect those boundaries.   Even the majority who have no idea where these issues come from, respect them.   Until this one women threw me off kilter.  

“Her boundaries are like walking through a field full of landmines.”

Ours was just a corresponding relationship and my boundaries seemed pretty simple to me -

- Don’t contact me through any other means than this one email address without my permission

- Don’t share what I share with you without my permission.

Yet she continually violated these boundaries.   She would share my most private stories and questions with her friends and husband.  Time and time again I would ask her not to but it continued.  She would write about me on her blog, and answer my concerns with “well, I didn’t use your name.”  Over and over I would explain to her that I needed to feel safe in the space we had created to share our stories but when she brought others into that space without me knowing, it became a very unsafe place for me.   She occasionally would email me at my work address (although I had never given it to her) or text my phone.  

And finally the relationship fell apart.  Me, too weary of all the violations and the constant string of insincere apologies only to have it happen again and again.  Her, apparently too tired of having to navigate my boundaries.

“Her boundaries are like walking through a field full of landmines.”

That one statement put me back in therapy.  Once again I was doubting my boundaries and feeling ashamed that I apparently needed this crutch that she labelled “land mines.”

Well, much like Lauren, my new therapist reassured me that boundaries are healthy and necessary.  They are not landmines. They are requests for respect.  It has taken me a while, but I am now much clearer about the kind of person who cannot or will not respect someone else's boundaries.  I do not want or need people like that in my life.

If you have experienced a trauma and require boundaries to make yourself feel safe, do not let someone shame you into feeling that you are damaged for setting limits.  This is akin to victim blaming, very common in rape culture.  Something bad happened to you.  It was not your fault.  Don’t let anyone devalue what you need now or marginalize your coping methods.  Do not apologize for it.

If so called friends don’t respect you, they are not really friends.  If you are a survivor, you are the best expert for what you need to feel safe.  If people care about you they will care about and respect your needs. Let the others go.  Living with PTSD is not easy but you have many strategies to use.  They are tools, not crutches.  Do not be ashamed to use them.