This is my briefcase.
It sits in a tiny alcove in my bedroom, and along with this picture of a barefoot angel
which I’ve written about here:
They are, very intentionally, the first things I see in the morning.
I used to carry this briefcase with me. All the time. I used to work. All the time.
It was a time when I couldn't face life. Or the world. Or people. I used my work to hide behind real life. I could easily lock myself in my office and ignore everyone and everything and work gave me an excuse to do that. I would bring my work home so that I didn't have time for other things. All those things I was too afraid to face. Or deal with. All those things about myself I couldn't even start to acknowledge. Work can be a wonderful drug for those who cannot deal with their life.
And then I moved, and in the next 3 years, found an amazing therapist (or more accurately, she found me) met someone who loved me and started a family. And from the day my first daughter was born, I never carried that briefcase again. I wanted to live a whole and healthy life. And as for work - I often thought of that biblical message “give unto Caesar what is Caesar’s and unto god what is god’s.” When I was at work, 9 to 5, I gave my all to it. But when I was with my family or friends, I was all theirs. And time to myself was all about self care.
I knew a woman who would brag to me all the time about how much she worked. She was oh so busy and oh so important. 12 to 14 hours days. And not just during an occasional emergency or prep for an important conference. She would attend family reunions at a beach house and stay inside and work. Her mother visited from England, and she stayed inside and worked. She would brag about how she occasionally coordinated with White House staff who also worked 12 to 14 days and oh, they were all so very important. And she was so important for working with them and they were all so busy, busy busy. I would feel such sadness for her. I knew she was using work to avoid her own demons and to inflate her feelings of worth. Sadder still that I think she really believes in her own super importance. And saddest, she continues to drown in depression. No mystery there.
I am fortunate that I recognized my avoidance addiction early on. Even more fortunate that I had a job that allowed me the flexibility to attend every one of my daughter’s special events and athletic games, volunteer and come and go at a moments notice if a friend needed me. Except for strange anomalies that do occur from time to time, my life has been pretty balanced, abundant, and very, very happy.
Last month I semi-retired. Work has taken an even more remote back seat in my life and I am trying to discern how to use my time now. That will be the subject of a different post. For now, I am waking up and looking at two things - one barefoot angel to remind me to do the things I love, and one briefcase that taught me a very valuable life lesson.
I’m thinking it’s time to get rid of the briefcase. I have not looked in it for over 22 years. I have no idea what’s even inside. For a few years it was used as a drug. And then it was an every day reminder not to use that drug ever again.
I think I will let it retire with me. It has served me well.
I know many clergy similar to the woman you write about. They are often an insecure lot and need to constantly work to feel needed and adored. Many believe the church will collapse if they are not available. Which is why so many clergy burn out quickly and have very high rates of depression.
ReplyDeleteIt is a sad reality that with all our technological advances and “timesavers” people are working longer hours than ever. Good for you for seeing your work as an avoidance of life, doing the healing work to correct it and finding a healthy balance.
If I haven’t already done so - congratulations on your retirement, semi though it may be.
I know a lot of clergy who spend A LOT of time on FaceBook complaining about how busy they are. That always cracks me up.
DeleteI also don't understand how technology has not given people more free time. I think it has just made it so that workers are expected to do much more. And that has added a lot of stress.
Here's a funny thing: I have two brothers; one works all the time and the other doesn't work at all.
ReplyDeleteOn first glance, it would seem as if the one who works all the time is similar to the woman you write about. When he and his family come to visit, he brings his laptop and works from the dining room table. Everyone else is playing games, watching tv, horsing around, preparing food, whatever, and Robert is sitting at the table working.
But, he is participating. Maybe not as fully as some may wish, but he is participating at his comfort level. He is listening and responding to his kids and wife. He'll answer questions and give opinions all while working on the computer. And, to be fair and accurate, he will also turn it off and go play outside or take the kids downtown or to the store or whatever is happening next. But, yes, as soon as he is back from the excursion he boots up again.
I think he is different from your acquaintance. He does not self-aggrandize. I think he is someone who has found a way to strike a balance between work and home and it is different from most people's method. I'm glad you discovered that your way was avoidance and I am very happy for you that you allowed yourself to fully embrace life. And, leaving the briefcase in your closet where you could see it every day -- such a potent reminder!
I wonder if one of your daughters might like to have that briefcase? It's pretty classy looking...
xoxox
I would argue that your brother may be in attendance but not necessarily present. I know a man who goes to his daughter's basketball games and sits and reads the newspapers. I am just as guilty - I often sit through meetings, but my mind is off in the woods somewhere. It is something that I am constantly working on. Being fully present.
DeleteAnd yes, self-aggrandizing people are a whole different category. I'm always thinking "the world has survived millions of years without you in it, and I'm pretty sure it will continue for awhile once you are gone." But I suppose if their egos need that illusion, what the hell. We all need something.
I started writing this post a couple of weeks ago and I still haven't touched the briefcase. I am beginning to wonder why. But the picture must be deceiving - the case is very scoffed up coming apart at some seams. I'm not sure it would be worth passing on. Although I will surely ask before I toss it.
I believe that's called 'patina' and it's a coveted sign of verisimilitude... :-)
DeleteThe thing about addictions that bothers me is when someone thinks their addiction is preferable to someone else's. They work a lot and that means they're better than the person hitting the bottle.
ReplyDeleteBut they're both numbing pain and avoiding life. It's just that one poison is more acceptable than another.
For some reason this is reminding me of the tragedies that are happening in Japan, where young men are dying from overwork literally. It is called karōshi.
I am glad you don't need your briefcase any more.
You are right about the nature of addictions numbing pain and avoiding life, whatever the addiction may be I gave up using work as an excuse but I still have other tricks when I want to avoid hard things. I think the thing is to be aware of what you are doing and why you are doing it.
DeleteDon't you want to know what's in the case? Geez, 22 years - something could be dead in there!
ReplyDeleteI always feel bad when I travel because even though I am not working 24/7, I am away from my family. FaceTime helps, but it is not the same as being there. It's like that saying - nobody says on their deathbed "I wish I had spent more time at work"
Yes, but I'm not really talking about folks who occasionally travel, or work late. This is more about using work to avoid people or things in your life instead of dealing with them. Or making work your whole life so you don't have time to live a full life because something there scares you. And I do wonder how these people feel on their deathbed. Life is just too damned short and you can't get back that time.
DeleteThis is so spot on for people in PTSD recovery. Permission to share?
ReplyDeleteOf course. But now I wish I had spent more time editing : )
DeleteI had the brief case from my first job - and it sat there for years after I left - I finally cleaned it out and some little boy bought it from my garage sale with his own money. Due to the nature of my job - I used to have to login a lot - but luckily I was able to flex around kids schedules as well. Now that I manage the group, I make sure oncall schedules are once every 6 weeks - and any unnecessary work waits until Monday. When my guys go on vacation - they are not to login - so others need to know their work. You do gain a sense of self importance - but I realized long ago - no one is irreplaceable. It is amazing how we learn from living life.
ReplyDeleteI once worked in a staff of 6 people. Within 8 weeks time, 5 of us left for other jobs. And we were all merry thinking that now the department would totally fall apart and the big wigs finally appreciate us. But they just kept rolling along. It was a huge lesson in humility and something that has stuck with me - not only from how others perceive me, but how I perceive myself. I do add value, but I am not invaluable. Good to keep the ego in check.
ReplyDeleteAnd kudos to you that you don't let staff work on their vacations. I hate that teachers give kids work to do on their breaks. What is a vacation for?
No, don't get rid of it. No, you don't need it the way you did before, but it remains important. What is inside? Not so much. ;-)
ReplyDeleteI am embarrassed to admit that I adore my briefcase. It was my first big expensive purchase besides business suits and I am so attached to it that I feel odd not carrying it. I took a long break in my work career to raise my child from birth to first grade and when she started attending school full time, I was itching to go back to working full time. I still truly love my job but I suppose that one day, I will be ready to retire. I'm keeping the briefcase, though. Forever.
ReplyDelete