Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Pass the Tissues, please

It has been a tough emotional week. News stories about the rape and murder of Chelsea King had me triggering all over the place. And my daughter was taking a RAD - rape aggression defense class. She was coming home sharing her new found skills about what to do if attacked, tipping off a series of nightmares about the safety of my daughters while reminding me of the reality that she would be helpless against an attack of multiple men.

It was coming off of these challenges that I went to the therapist yesterday, emotionally weary and to the bone tired. First thing she did was to ask me to read the blog post I had written about Daphne. It was a struggle. I don’t know why it is so difficult to say out loud things I think about, or sometimes write about. But I did it. Tears streaming down my face. Sometimes sobbing. I did it. And it felt good. Tears and all.

I left there, eyes red and swollen to go to my daughter’s high school basketball banquet. A night to wrap up the season and hand out awards. Also, the graduating seniors each get to make a speech. This is part of the speech Beanie gave:

Since the third grade the gym has been my second home. Countless weekends, weekdays and week nights have been spent working on my game and enjoying my teammates. From GBC, Empire Nighthawks, Capitals and High School ball, I have always been surrounded by the court and by my closest friends. Now that basketball has finally come to an end, it is time for me to start a new chapter in my life and forever cherish the memories that I have gained from the sport I love. As I leave I want to thank those who have helped me and been there for me during my 10 years of playing basketball.

She then goes on to thank her coaches and friends and then this:

To my most dedicated fans, my parents. I can’t even think of a way to start and thank you. You guys were always driving me everywhere, whether to the middle school, high school, Massachusetts, Connecticut, wherever my games or practices were you were bringing me everywhere. You were at every game I ever played in and whether I scored 30 points (which I never did) or 0 points (which I often did) I always knew I could look up to you guys in the stands and you would give me the thumbs up and be smiling. I can’t begin thank you enough for all the money you put into me playing. From all the basketball shoes, AAU uniforms, and countless tournaments, I never once had to worry whether I could play or not because of your continuous support. For all the times you would comfort me after a loss, or have food ready for when I had 5 minutes to get to practice, I always knew I was coming home to a warm house filled with love. Lastly, I would like to thank you for all the time you gave up to come watch me. For all the nice sunny summer days that you were trapped in a gym, sitting on hard wooden bleachers or being stuck driving 5 hours in a car, you never once complained. You guys have made my basketball career possible and so enjoyable. I love you both very much, you mean everything to me.

I was reduced to a blubbering fool.

Kahlil Gibran once wrote: “When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. “



  1. I cry a lot in this space.

    I'm relieved that you didn't get stuck in that place of fear and let it take you over. Like usual lately, you are pushing hard past things that could easily tear you down. You should be proud of yourself.

    Your daughters are special girls, both of them. That speech was so filled with love and appreciation. Good job, Beanie!

  2. Congratulations on raising such an incredible daughter and the additional steps you have taken in your journey.

  3. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree....what a lovely tribute. You clearly have many, many reasons to be proud of her.


  4. You really have wonderful children- a home filled with love, a job you enjoy, and the courage to say your pain outloud. I haven't been commenting because I haven't known what to say- but your blog moves me beyond words- I want to thank you.

  5. I can't believe she is giving up basketball!

    Now what are you going to do with your time?

  6. You are really going through some heavy stuff right now. Add to that, having daughter #1 preparing to leave home and wow, what a bunch of crazy, scary, mixed up, painful feelings.

    Remember that you are going *through* and you are not going to get stuck in this place. And keep breathing.

    You are loved. By your family, friends and these blogging strangers... xoxoxoxoxoxox

  7. Happiness is listening to your daughter tell a gym full of strangers how much she appreciates and loves you both.

    This post brought tears to my eyes... I'm looking everywhere for my box of tissues!

  8. Such big demonstrations of courage and love in the same day .... you truly must have been exhausted by the end of it. I remain continually amazed by your courage and the awesomeness of your girls. Hx