Till It Happens to You

People watch the Academy Awards for many different reasons. I, of course, tune in to see Cate Blanchette. This year I think many watched to see how Chris Rock would handle the lack of diversity in Hollywood issue, something the media well advertised.

And while I was expecting race to be the main focus of the night, I was surprised that, for me, the focus was bringing sexual assault into the healing light of day.  Joe Biden gave Lady Gaga an introduction by encouraging people to take responsibility for sexual assaults on campuses and asked people to go to the website It’sOnUs.org.  I understand that the site then crashed because of all the traffic. "Let's change the culture," Biden said. "We must and we can change the culture so that abused women or men like the ones you will see tonight will never have to ask themselves, 'What did I do?' They did nothing wrong."

If you missed Lady Gaga’s performance of her song Til it Happens to You, I strongly encourage you to watch it. With tissues.  

During the performance the curtains opened and a group of survivors somberly walked on stage. They looked terrified as I'm sure they were. How vulnerable and utterly exposed they must have felt. Never in my memory have a group of sexual abuse survivors been so publicly out. The group, holding hands, exposed their forearms to reveal such words and phrases as "Survivor," "You Are Love," "Unbreakable" and "Not Your Fault."

And then, of course, the movie Spotlight won the best picture award. I have not seen it yet as I tend to need to watch these things in small installments and in the safety of my own home lest they be too emotional for me.  I will wait for it to be released on DVD. But what a victory it must feel like to all those survivors of clergy abuse. There must be some huge feeling of vindication for them.

While I don’t remember all the details of the “investigation” after Daphne and I were raped, the one thing that always stayed with me was a police officer saying “well, what did you expect?”  Those five words haunted me and were the basis for my feeling guilt and shame for years and years. Of course, what did I expect - two women, two races? What the hell was I thinking?  Of course it was my fault.  It has taken me decades of therapy to work my way through that way of thinking.

Rape culture is deeply ingrained.  Even those who call themselves allies and advocates often fall into it.  It took me a very long time to shake off feeling shamed and belittled by a so-called friend who said that my boundaries were like landmines and called me emotionally unstable because of them.  All I was asking for was to own my own story, for her to respect my privacy. Her words made me ashamed of having boundaries. But no more.

So while many saw this year’s award show as a rebuke of an all white Hollywood system, I saw it as an amazing and beautiful recognition of an issue all too often swept under the rug. And a celebration of those who endured a crime that has, until now, had so much shame attached to it that victims are often too degraded to even report the crime.  

I really hope the tide is turning.  

I can't help but think that this is how gay rights were won - people having the courage to come out, even when it was terrifying to do so.

I really hope that all people will assume a responsibility to watch over each other and to step up when they know that consent has not been, or cannot be, given.  I really hope that people who call themselves advocates and allies are more careful with their words. Words matter and can have a lifelong impact. And I most especially hope that survivors will be able to hold their heads high and not feel the shame and guilt that others have foisted on them.

For now I will watch this video again and again and cheer for those 50 incredibly strong and brave survivors.

May their courage not be in vain.