September has always been a difficult month for me. Anniversaries will do that. But this year it seems to be hitting in a different place.
Memories used to knock me right back to the day of the assault. I could feel the memory coming on and be body slammed back in time as if I were there, experiencing it all over again. I have come a long way since then and I will be forever grateful for my therapist who held onto me and slowly pulled me out of that recurring nightmare. I have become an expert at separating past and present.
But the memories are always there. Everyday.
I let them come, the tears well up, I distract myself. Life goes on.
And then September comes and the memories come more often. The tears flow freely. The nights are more difficult.
This year it is worse. I’m not sure why. I am experiencing an indescribable heavy sadness that I can’t seem to shake. I can’t get the horrific images out of my head. They are not triggering. I know they are just memories. But they follow me everywhere throughout the day and into the night. They are unrelenting.
The anniversary is next week and I usually go down to the city to visit her grave. In the last few years her mother had joined me. Perhaps that is why this year feels so different. Her mother passed away early this year and she was the only living connection I had to Daphne. Now I have no connection at all. We didn’t like each other but at least we had a shared sorrow. I feel very alone in my sadness this year.
This is also the season of atonement, something I have practiced since my youth. But this year, for the first time, I will not be asking anyone for forgiveness. Not that I have been a perfect spouse, parent, friend, colleague or human. So far it. But last year I wrote a very sincere letter of atonement, and for the first time ever, my effort was totally ignored. Not rejected (which has also never happened). Just ignored. Dead silence. And ever since I have been grappling with what it means to be unforgivable. Which continually feeds the reality that I will never be able to forgive myself for that one day that took Daphne away, forever. Yeah, I’m not in a good place.
So yes, life goes on and then September comes. I go into a funk.
I will be sitting here with it for as long at it lasts.
This too shall pass.
My thoughts are with you.
ReplyDeleteLove and light as you sit - sometimes that's all one needs to do in order for the darkness to pass. I hope it passes quickly this year and you can find some measure of forgiveness for yourself. That's the line that made me cry as I was reading, since I KNOW, as clearly as I know that my own children are goodness and light and so are yours, that that's not true. I wish you could know that too.
ReplyDeleteOh, I"m so sorry. You are not unforgivable, just dealing with someone who isn't able to forgive.
ReplyDeleteI can imagine that is such a hard place to be - I hope you find the strength and love you need to move on and to deal with it all the best you can.
ReplyDeleteI rather admire your awareness of the depth and source of your sadness and to give yourself permission to let it wash over you like a wave. And it will.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Secret Agent Woman's comment that some people do not know how to forgive and therefore retreat rather than deal with a conflict head on. I am sending you an article via email about forgiveness I hope you find helpful.
You remain in my prayers always.
Oh, 8. You are not alone. You are loved and cherished. You are not unforgivable. You are beautifully imperfect, as are we all. Yes, let the funk work it's way through; yes, sit with it, cry with it, feel it and then let it recede.
ReplyDeleteYou are two thirds of the way through the month - remember that when you feel bleak and forlorn. I wish I could be there to hold your hand. Please visualize me beside you while you sit with this sorrow.
You are right: this too shall pass...
if you had a role in dephne's death, it is because you had a role in her life; maybe bookends. this was not your fault and you cannot be forgiven for something you have no cause to be forgiven for. not that i don't understand how hard this was and is and may always be, but 8, you are a good person. what you write here just confirms that you are authentic and honest. you are a good person (emphasis!)
ReplyDeletei hope october is an easier month. you know the expression, "you're not the problem; the problem is the problem"? i hope you are not hard on yourself in the midst of this annual and carried grief. you're human. it was not your fault.
glad glad glad to have met you, ms. 8
love
kj
What about writing a letter of atonement to yourself... asking for forgiveness for being hard on yourself? for judging yourself? for asking more of yourself than you were capable of giving? for being impatient with your process? It seems to me... and I'm sure it seems so to all your readers... that your heart is large and aims to love and live.... how wonderful this is! and how hard it is that even a big heart feels pain and loss.... and suffers in the sadness. Many of us know what it is to wake up day after day with that heavy feeling and try to live alongside it. I wish you peace.
ReplyDeletethinking of you, my friend.
ReplyDeletelove
kj
I am sorry I didn't see this until now. I just want you to know I'm thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for all your good thoughts and kind words. I hope to be writing more about grief and forgiveness and healing. You have all been a part of that journey for which I will be forever grateful.
ReplyDeleteMuch love.