Sunday, March 2, 2014

Clenched

I am taking a yoga class.  It is a class for “mature” adults and so we all grunt and groan together and help each other up off the floor, which is much better than the ultra bendy classes my daughters drag me to.  Our instructor is great and takes us slowly through the different poses, correcting our form and complementing our efforts.  


I think I have been holding my own in this class.  Even though I started right after my reconstruction surgery I have been able to do most of the stretches and poses.  Except sitting crossed legged and especially bending forward from this position.  We end each class in this pose - sitting, breathing, and then bending forward.  Almost everyone can bend pretty low - some almost down to the floor.  I can’t budge.  Really.  The best I can do is move my chin forward.  Nothing else moves.   And I have noticed that any of the poses that require hip flexibility, I struggle.  And by struggle I mean I can not do them.  At all.


So I went to my massage therapist, Michele, who always asks “what are we working on today?”  I told her about my tight hips and she went to work, poking and prodding.  Then she climbed up on the table and started bending my legs and rotating them this way and that.  My right leg went pretty much whenever she took it.   The left leg, not so much.   In every direction she tried to take it, it would just stop.  Then she said something that made me laugh and my leg went a little further.


She told me that my joints were fine and my muscles flexible enough.  What is keeping my hips from moving is my head.   My head!  Yup, she said that whenever I try to flex my left hip, my head steps in and clenches all the muscles.  Crap.  


The majority of my injuries from the assault were done to my left side.  Shattered left foot.  Broken left ribs.  Missing two left teeth.   And I long ago realized that I tend to instinctively protect my left side. But I now I realize there is much more going on. Michele explained to me that my head is protecting something - an old injury, an old trauma, something.   It reminds me when Peachie had her nose badly broke playing basketball.  She went down in a heap while a pool of blood spread along the gym floor. She was never the same player after that.  She could stand on the perimeter and shoot 3 pointers all day.  But when she had to play body to body, she always turned away.  She knew she shouldn't, but it was a reflex.  She always protected her nose.


For years and years I worked to fight my way of the box trauma put me in.  And I think I have finally accomplished that.  Now I am sitting on the outside of the box, contemplating how to rid myself of these final vestiges of weirdness. I need to figure out how to get my head to tell my hips to relax and unclench.  I am sure that whatever my head is protecting is no longer a threat.  But I’m not sure how to convince my psyche of that. Michele tells me that just being aware of the cause and effect is a start.  Awareness.  I am working on awareness.  


Relax.  


Breathe deep.  


Unclench.  




When I can do this - I win.



13 comments:

  1. You've already won - your beautiful, wonderful, amazing life is the win.

    That aside, what kept coming up for me was the color orange and the sacral chakra. I myself have done a TON of work on this particular chakra, since it often holds and carries much of rape survivors trauma, and I truly believe that work was instrumental in my healing and being able to move through much of what terrified me. I still struggle with yoga classes that focus on hip work, I was in one right before Christmas and a few years ago, I'd have had to get up and leave, but I was able to work through the panic and stay present in the moment. That was a victory for sure. I've done meditations around this chakra and herbal therapy (I love the Wise Ways line of chakra oils - http://www.wiseways.com/product/CO2.html) and lots of journaling with focus on it. Maybe find some orange pants to begin with?

    I love yoga, so happy you're going and have found a class you like!

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    1. Thank you for this. It is nice to have an "aha" moment when things connect. It is even nicer to know that this is a common reaction and I don't feel so strange about it. Years ago when I used to do Reiki my practitioner told me that my throat chakra was blocked. Through therapy I think I have loosened that up a little. And now the sacral. I am a never ending challenge : )

      Good for you for working through your struggle. We are healing and life is good.

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  2. From where I'm standing any bending a'tall is a win. YaY You.

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    1. I hear you. Age is not our friend. But I will not go stiffly into that good night : )

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  3. I am the least flexible person you will ever meet... I'd probably pop something right out of place. Keep on trying - I am sure you can make it...

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    1. Thanks for the vote of confidence. I do worry about things pooping out of place - some of these poses are just not natural!

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  4. Any health practitioner will tell you that the connection between the mind and the body is strong. You yourself know how having a positive attitude goes a long way in the healing process. I know very little about Yoga but knowing how determined you are to be whole, if you want to achieve this pose I have no doubt that you will.

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    1. Thanks Sue. More and more I see that mind/body connection. And I am trying to get everything connected before I lose my mind : )

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  5. I think she is right about awareness. And, I know you are right about your unconscious protection of your left side. Put those two together, breathe, and bend. Ok, it might take more than just the intention, but now that you are aware of it, you will make it happen. I know this about you.

    Look at you: yoga classes! AND! HAPPY RETIREMENT! Now, get to work on that honey do list!
    :-)

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    1. I am very AWARE that I am not very bendy! It's funny because when I become aware of holding stress in my neck and shoulders, it is easy for me to un-clench them and relax. But I haven't figured out how to relax my hips. Maybe working on that to do list will help them loosen up.

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    2. Get a yoga ball to bounce around on. You have to sit in a fairly wide straddle to stay on the damned thing... might help!

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  6. I am learning about your horrible assault and I admire you so much. I have this image of you unclenching and unfolding. You will xo

    I so sorry such an animal hurt you so.

    Love
    kj

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    1. Thanks kj. I will take all the positive imagery and intentions I can get!

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