Monday, May 24, 2010

Filling in the Blanks

This weekend I was suppose to take a two day, overnight hike with my friend Ren. But since the weather report was for rain on Sunday we made it just a short day hike Saturday. The state of my achy foot and her bad knees had nothing to do with that decision. (That is our story and we are sticking to it)

I have known Ren for a lot of years. She knew me before I met Daphne, we were all friends together, and she helped keep me afloat for many a long time after. In all those intervening years, we have never talked about Daphne or what happened. I believe I had made it quite clear, early on, that I could not/would not talk about it.

But now, now I am beginning to feel ready. And so, out in the beauty of the Adirondack mountains, I asked her to fill in some blanks. Especially those gaps in time where I can’t remember anything. And we talked about some of the good times we all shared together. Hard to describe my feelings about that. Bittersweet.

After reading my post about the things that haunt me most, she suggested that I get in touch with my minister from that time. She remembered that he had gone to the hospital to talk to Daphne parents about me being able to see her. Really? And so when we got home I spent some time on the internet and phone tracking him down, which was a little difficult since he is no longer a minister. But find him I did. We chatted for a while. This week I am driving out to see him so we can catch up. I feel rather guilty that I let that relationship slide, especially in light of how much he took care of me, and gave me sanctuary in every sense of that word. I am looking forward to this on many levels.

Still, as much as I need to get healthy by revisiting my past, I also need to enjoy the here and now. So Sunday - which threatened rain in the early morning but turned out to be a beautiful, sunny day - I spent the day with my daughters, topless sunbathing in the backyard, listening to their teenage dramas, laughing, making summer plans, cooling off in the pool. Later, both their boyfriends came for a barbeque. Yeah, its a tough life . . .

An almost perfect weekend except for the Yankees losing the series to the Mets which put Martha in a foul mood, and found me losing yet another sports bet, this time to the always amazing Greg.


  1. AnonymousMay 24, 2010

    You are working so hard on healing and I'm happy you have the comfort of good people walking you through it. Learning new information must feel like recreating history. It's like puzzle pieces finding their place after so, so long a time being scattered. I'm glad you're meeting with the (former) minister - I imagine there will so many much-needed questions answered there. Much love.


    I might have to change my blog name to "The Amazing greg." I like it. Sorry my boys whooped your boy's arses so badly. hee

  2. I am wonderfully astounded how things are starting to fall into place for you. Bittersweet for all of us who knew and loved her.

    (I don't remember your backyard being so private, or are your daughters leading you down the wild path?)

  3. greg - I like the analogy. For too long I have only seen the ugly pieces of the puzzle. Now, some of the beautiful ones are filling in.

    ...and I don't really think you're sorry.

    Laurie - Our backyard neighbor is away. And the girls are positively obsessed with having no tan lines for their strapless/backless prom dresses.

  4. How very scary it must be to fill in the blanks on such a devastating time in your life. I am thankful you have friends to guide you and a minister who may give you the answers you are looking for.

    You are always in my prayers.

  5. I'm sure he will enjoy you and get as much out of the re-acquaintance as you do... Any of us lose touch and then reconnection is difficult--but it is possible. ;-)

  6. What a good friend you have! And a very timely suggestion, to reconnect with your former pastor. Perhaps he will be able to help you with healing all kinds of injuries. Interesting that he isn't a minister any more... maybe the two of you can share disillusionment stories.

    Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I am amazed at your strength! I hope you can feel the long distance virtual hugs that I am sending... :-)

  7. it is very courageous of you writing about your journey...i wish you all the best in filling in all the blanks.

    nice pool btw!