This week’s therapy ended with me talking about things that haunt me. Those things I will never have answers to, but plague me relentlessly.
- Attacked by five men. Did they follow us or did they just happen upon us by chance? Was it a premeditated attack or some gut reaction to what they saw? I don’t know why I obsess about this, but I do. Either way, it does not change the outcome. Yet I still have an overwhelming need to understand the ‘why’ of it.
- While Daphne was in the hospital, her parents would not let me see her. Did she know that they refused me access or did she think I had abandoned her? The thought that she lay there for weeks enduring unimaginable surgeries, not knowing where I was or thinking that I didn’t care, is still unbearable to me.
- I do not know if she was cremated or buried or where she might be buried. For me, she was here. And then gone. Forever. This often sneaks up on me and makes me quite sad. How nice it would be to have a place I could visit.
We talked a little about the feelings associated with each unknown, but time ran out. Left once again, open and raw. No solutions. *sigh*
Same time next week . . .
What do you believe about what happens when we die?
ReplyDeleteI ask because how you conceive of what happens after death may help you find a way to reach peace with the last two things on your list--and I think there are ways to achieve peace whether you believe in an afterlife or not.
(The first is beyond me. Ultimately, there is no "why" to evil.)
Pax,
Doxy
I believe that if you've been a loving person, your essence gets to join the flow of God's perfect love.
ReplyDeleteAnd I do believe she is there.
Yet these things still haunt me. I would like to know how to achieve peace.
I believe that if you've been a loving person, your essence gets to join the flow of God's perfect love.
ReplyDeleteI believe that too. And I *love* the way you phrased that--"your essence gets to join the flow of God's perfect love."
I don't believe in the "streets paved with gold" vision of heaven I grew up with, but I believe totally in the notion of being absorbed into perfect love.
And I believe that those who are absorbed into that love are also absorbed into perfect knowledge.
I don't pretend that I can say any of this with perfect certainty--but my one up-close-and-personal experience of God was so incredibly powerful that it has colored everything I believe and demolished all fear of what comes next.
So here's what I believe--that Daphne knows everything there is to know, and that you can put down your anguish. (Easier said than done, I know---but I suspect you know that she would NOT want you to continue to suffer. If she is part of perfect love, she would want you to know that too, don't you think?)
Have you tried praying *through* her? Sort of like praying through any other saint? (This can be difficult for Protestants, but if one believes in the "communion of saints," Daphne is most certainly among them...) If I were you, I'd ask her to help me let go of the anguish and find peace.
As for the issue of visiting her grave, I recommend finding some space that makes you feel peaceful and happy, and just designating that as a place to go and "visit" her. Pray through her there.
And all of this is worth exactly what you paid for it. :-) I offer it in the hope that you will find a way to let go of the pain and start dwelling in the love that God has for you RIGHT NOW.
Pax,
Doxy
Not as poetic or spiritual as what Doxy wrote but isn't writing and talking about these things you have always kept so hidden suppose to help you find that peace?
ReplyDeleteBTW - I think you're doing great!
This is the hardest part - the part you feared the most. It won't get much scarier or difficult than this and you're going forward. You're not just talking about it, you're writing it down here. I cannot imagine how hard this is but oh my goodness do you have a cheering section.
ReplyDeleteIn my heart, I think it's Daphne who's pushing you along and giving you the strength to do this. You're honoring her by making her existence real again. You're doing this for the both of you.
I remain so amazed by you.
I'm sure she knew... could feel you. Love like that is not blocked by obstacles. You feel it warming you when you breathe.
ReplyDeleteThank you for taking us down this journey with you.
Mostly though... thanks for letting others see that they are not alone in their pain.
I join GREG in her amazement.
Doxy - thank you for taking the time to write such a lovely response. Like much of everything else in therapy, I understand it on an intellectual level. The emotional level has been a little slower.
ReplyDeletePerfect knowledge - I will be rolling that around in my mind for a long time.
And please know that many of your comments have given me great comfort and/or shifted my way of thinking to a more illuminated place. Thank you.
ren - yes, that is the point. And each time it is getting a little easier.
Greg - unfortunately I know what the hardest part is, and this is not it. But I am pleased that it is getting easier to tackle little chunks at a time. And thanks for always cheering.
Tina - "You feel it warming you when you breathe." Yeah, I'm holding on to that statement. Thanks.
My heart just goes out to you in so many ways as the person left to sort it all out on your own. What an undertaking.
ReplyDeleteIt was pure evil and may each of those men know the retribution of God in this life or beyond.
Bless you for your courage.
No answers here, but a heart full of compassion.
ReplyDelete<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Sometimes I think we are on an eternal quest to find and achieve peace.
ReplyDeleteYour doing some good work!