Emotional Triage

 Years ago I recognized that trauma was stealing my life.   I made a decision to start the hard work of therapy and reclaim what was mine to begin with - my body, my voice, my right to safely exist.  It has not been a straight path to healing, and I have often fallen off the path.  Still, my therapist and the wonderful folks I met while writing about it on this blog, gave me a ton of support and useful strategies to cope - practicing gratitude, anxiety reducing exercises, writing out my feelings, calming rituals, etc.   Through these I have managed to pretty much keep my life on an even keel.

But recently,  the unceasing barrage of horrifying news has me spiraling and struggling to put out trauma fires almost daily.  

Rape stories coming out of the Ukraine.  I really try not to read much but these stories are hard to avoid and the horror begins to affect my nervous system.

Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Plant the flowers I started from seed in the basement.

News of the expected overturning of Roe vs Wade - especially with no rape or incest exemption.

Daphne ended her life after finding out she was pregnant.  I didn’t know this until much later.  I always assumed that she just couldn’t deal with the physical and mental damage done to her.  Now when I hear about the repulsive and vile “no exemptions” clauses some states want to include, it has me awash in sadness and trembling in dark memories.  

I went to my grandson’s baptism where our whole family gathered and celebrated a loved and wanted baby.  It felt healing to be wrapped in so much love

The racist attack in Buffalo. 

Anger.  I feel nothing but anger.

And then one thing that made me feel some hope.  There was a huge campaign for “parental rights” school board candidates who wanted the ‘diversity’ curriculum banned from our schools.  They were funded by a very wealthy local businessman with road signs on every corner and campaign mailings almost every day.  Voter turnout was a record high and those candidates were overwhelmingly defeated.  Sometimes hate doesn’t win.

Uvalde, Texas

I am haunted.  I am trying to avoid too much exposure to this slaughter but hearing how long those children were trapped.  Hunted.  Prey.  All that talk about gun control, the shooter, the police.  But I can only put myself in the place of those children.  I can feel their fear and I am trembling.  It has overpowered all my efforts at calm and started another round in the  apparently endless struggle.  Reliving all those feelings.  Helplessness in the face of power and violence.  So much violence.

And so I am trying to get a foothold, to get back on track dealing with the reverberations of trauma. Write out my feelings.  Practice gratitude.  Don’t let go of hope.  Long practiced efforts.  I know how to do this.  

Thank you for being here.

 

How To Help

I am having difficulty processing the devastating impact 6 robed people can have on the majority of citizens. And I'm struggling to hold together my own painful emotions around rape and the impact of unwanted pregnancies.  I hope to write more about that in the future.

In the meantime I am reposting some important information on how to help women, if you are able.

 

This list is extensive but not exhaustive. Donating to organizations that help provide transportation will aid people who are currently living in poverty unable to afford childcare and transportation to other states. 

 

The ACLU provides legal services to fight things at the highest level. I have no doubt they will challenge this.

Donate here: https://action.aclu.org/give/now

 

Planned Parenthood helps with reproductive care including contraception, STD checks and treatment, and cancer screenings.

Donate here: https://www.plannedparenthood.org/get.../other-ways-give

 

Midwest Access does travel, accommodations, food, childcare, medicine, and emotional support for people traveling to, from, and within the Midwest.

Donate here: https://midwestaccesscoalition.org/pages/donate

 

Fund Texas Choice helps with a way to get to the clinic and/or a place to stay,

seeks to make it easier for Texans to access the reproductive care they need.

Donate here: https://fundtexaschoice.org/donate/

 

Baltimore Fund helps with Practical Support and does rides to clinics, travel coordination for people traveling out of state, meals, childcare, translation, whatever people from Maryland need.

Donate here: https://www.baltimoreabortionfund.org/donate

 

Brigid Alliance covers costs for people traveling later in pregnancy, with consideration of distance and local transportation, accommodations, meals, child care, and other associated travel costs like gas, tolls, parking, mobile phones, and more.

Donate here: https://brigidalliance.org/donation

 

Chicago Abortion Fund provides financial, logistical, and emotional support to people seeking abortion care that live in or are coming to Illinois for care and surrounding Midwestern states.

Donate here: https://chicagoabortionfund.salsalabs.org/make.../index.html

 

ARC Southeast helps Southerners in AL, FL, GA, MS, SC, and TN for procedure funding as well as rides, lodging, and escorting.

Donate here: https://arc-southeast.org/donate/

 

Kentucky Healthy Justice Network provides procedure funding, travel support, and interpretation services for Kentucky clients seeking care, no matter where they have to travel.

Donate here: https://kentuckyhealthjusticenetwork.org/donate.html

 

Access Reproductive Justice provides information, abortion funding, and practical support on all aspects of reproductive health in California including direct services.

Donate here: https://give.accessrj.org/give/312683/#!/donation/checkout

 

JEN South Dakota helps South Dakota abortion patients access transportation, childcare, lodging, interpreters, birth control, and other practical support.

Donate here: https://www.jensd.org/donate

 

Clinic Access Support provides transportation, meal stipends, accommodations, childcare assistance, and compassionate care to people seeking abortion services from Houston.

Donate here: https://www.clinicaccess.org/donate

 

New Mexico Religious Coalition for Reproductive Rights If you are having your abortion in New Mexico and you need help with lodging, transportation, or meals.

Donate here: https://nmrcrc.org/donate

 

La Fontera Fund provides financial support and assists local Rio Grande Valley residents who need to travel to clinics across Texas and beyond for the reproductive care they require.

Donate here: https://fronterafundrgv.org/donate/

 

Colorado Doula Project provides free logistical and emotional support for people accessing abortion in Colorado.

Donate here:https://www.coloradodoulaproject.org/donate

 

NWAA Fund has transportation & other logistic funds for folks in the Northwest serving Washington, Oregon, Idaho, and Alaska.

Donate here: https://nwaafund.org/donate

 

You can find the original list for places to donate on Twitter. Here’s the link:

https://twitter.com/alidreith/status/1521489352370573315...

Exhausted

I am back from an exhausting 5 days in Florida.  I traveled with my oldest, extremely disorganized daughter and her 7 week old son.  Just getting through airport security - carry ons, baby, diaper bag, breast pumps, breast milk, etc. - was a keystone cop comedy in itself.  

My youngest daughter had to return to work after her maternity leave and we were there to help out before her 5 month old son would start daycare the following week.  Two adults, two babies.  Not a good ratio.

The first night my oldest daughter developed mastitis with a high fever and a lot of pain.  She could barely move, much less nurse or otherwise take care of her babe.  So I spent the night bottle feeding babies, changing diapers, helping my daughter with hand pump and hot packs.  

Once she got antibiotics she recovered quickly but still needed to constantly hand pump, leaving limited extra hands for child care.  Now it was just me with two babies on totally different sleep schedules.  I love my daughters.  I love my grandsons.  But I am getting too old for this.  

The return flight couldn’t come fast enough for me.  Literally, as we just squeaked in before a major northeast storm.  Home sweet home.

I am still recuperating from the chaos and enjoying my dull routines, like drinking a cup of coffee while it is still hot, taking a shower, not being up at 2 am, and not having to constantly wipe baby drool off my shoulder.  Simple pleasures.

I am also back to tend my seedlings.  Petunias have extremely tiny seeds and it is difficult to tell how many are planted in each tray.  So I have returned to this -

I have to start weeding out the extra seedlings, down to only one.  It is like Sophia’s Choice to me as I mourn each and every little sprout that must go. 

A mother’s, grandmother’s, gardener’s life is exhausting but in the end, very rewarding.

January

 It has been cold and blustery here.  Snow, ice, below freezing temperatures.  January in the northeast.

I like to spend this time of year perusing seed catalogs.  The variety of flowers and vegetables is overwhelming, and I have long given up on trying too many new things.  Now I stick to a few standard veggies - tomatoes, green beans, a couple of peppers and zucchini and herbs - basil, rosemary, sage and some catnip for the fur babies.  I generally save my favorite tomato seeds from year to year but will buy a new seed variety now and then.  But I like to look at the catalogs.  It helps brighten up these dark cold days. Oh the possibilities. 

I also harvest flower seeds every year for replanting my 25 deck flower boxes.  I have just begun 4 flats of petunias.

There is something very calming and hopeful about playing in dirt in January and anticipating those first baby green shoots springing from the soil.  All the worries of today falls away when a seed sprouts and reminds me that hope springs eternal.

It’s January.  The days are cold but the light is already getting longer.  And I am thinking about  gardens.  

My grandma used to plant

tomato seedlings in tin cans

from tomato sauce & puree &

crushed tomatoes she got from

the Italian restaurant by her

house, but she always soaked

the labels off first. I don't want

them to be anxious about the

future, she said. It's not healthy.

 

• Brian Andreas

Covid Blues

My niece finally got to have her wedding (canceled from last year) on New Year’s Eve.  The rescheduling was bittersweet as her father died this past summer and everything felt more somber than a wedding should feel.  Nonetheless, my sister was adamant that there be a celebration and a stunningly beautiful reception was planned at a venue overlooking the skyline of Manhattan.  

But as the time approached, so did the growing numbers of Covid infections.  Two weeks before the wedding 10 people had already canceled, including my one daughter and my sister was getting more and more depressed.   One week before the wedding the bride’s niece came down with Covid, and then the groom’s elderly parents called to say they could not risk the flight from the Midwest.  There were a lot of tears.

I hermetically sealed myself off from people knowing that there was no way I couldn’t be there for my niece and sister.  I didn’t go grocery shopping, I canceled a blood donation and dentist appointment, and I forewent all my regular gyms visits.  I lived in my little bubble.

Sixty people eventually braved the NYC covid cesspool to attend and the event was beautiful.  There was much drinking and dancing and love.  And now, 2 weeks after the party, no one has reported getting Covid from what was a potential super spreader event. That seemed like a miracle.

Fast forward two days after the wedding when Martha scheduled a basketball practice only to find out later that half her team had the infection.  Two days later she was coughing and sniffling.  And although we tried to isolate ourselves from each other, we live in a small house, I too got it. 

Martha’s symptoms completely resolved in five days.  I am now on day 8 and still not feeling up to par.  It all started mild enough - coughing, runny nose, scratchy throat - but then I started having night sweats that literally drenched my t-shirt and bedding.   I am still congested and fatigued.  Taking the dog for a short walk leaves me breathless.  Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself.

It’s been almost 2 years of mask wearing, hand washing, and social distancing and I haven’t been sick once in all that time.  I suppose I had taken all that health for granted.  I have now become a whiny child complaining about having to blow my nose and being taken down by the cooties of a bunch of junior high gym rats.  

 

Geez, I have really become pathetic. 

Still, I am hopeful that I am coming to the end of it.  I want to have a negative test to feel I can safely be with my 4 week old grandson but will wait a few more days before taking one.  And I am supposed to be flying to Florida in 10 days to visit my other grandson.   Fingers crossed.

Full of Grace - 10 year cancerversary

10 years ago, I had a bilateral mastectomy to remove 3 estrogen triggered tumors found during a routine mammogram.  The breasts were removed along with a few lymph nodes from both armpits.  Fortunately, the cancer was caught early and had not yet begun to spread.  My Onco score, which guesstimates the chances of recurrence, was borderline high between statistically not needing chemo and having a small benefit from chemo.  I opted to decline the chemo and went on a hormonal treatment.  And crossed my fingers.

Today is the 10-year anniversary of that surgery.  It is the date I considered myself to be cancer free and having no recurrence* in these past 10 years is considered a major medical milestone.

I have thought a lot about how to celebrate this day.  Or not.

Today I get to end 10 years of hormonal therapy that effectively eliminated estrogen from my body.   I am very grateful to stop having to pay for and swallow these drugs.  On the other hand, they have done quite a number on my bones and my last Dexa scan showed that I have now crossed from osteopenia to osteoporosis.  

Today is also my daughter’s 30th birthday (yes, I had major surgery on her 20th birthday which really sucked) and I doubt anyone in my family will even remember the significance of this day for me. **  We will bring our daughter a takeout meal - Covid eliminating her favorite Italian dine-in experience - and ooh and ahh over her 2-week-old baby boy.  And I will quietly get a little weepy over the passage of time and the renewal of life.  

Still, while I will be so very grateful to have lived, I can’t help but think of my brother-in-law who lost his battle with pancreatic cancer this summer and of his daughter who will be married at the end of the year without her father to walk her down the aisle.  And of the way too many other friends who were diagnosed with cancer but were not as fortunate as me.

So, like most other things, today is rather bittersweet.  I will not celebrate with balloons or confetti or even chocolate.  But I will celebrate with gratitude.  I have been able to see both my daughters married and now with children of their own, I was financially able to retire, I traveled to some awe inspiring places, and I met some amazing women who are still on their healing journeys. I am truly blessed

And I will celebrate with humility, knowing that I had little control over getting cancer and have very little control over whether it returns. All I can really do is enjoy this one wild and precious life while it lasts. And I intend to do just that.

* I did have a melanoma cancer surgery last year but don't consider that a recurrence since I am so fair and spent every summer of my youth sunning myself, unprotected, at a beach 8 hours a day.  

** Just after I wrote this, this arrived on my doorstep from a friend because nothing says happy cancerverary better than Zabar’s chocolate babka and rugelach!

Omens

This is a dogwood tree we planted to commemorate our youngest daughter’s birth.  It flowers every year around her birthday.  And then it produces these red berry-like things that the birds, squirrels and chipmunks enjoy.

I have found that the number of berries is a good predictor of our winter weather.  I think it is nature's way of providing little critters with some food stores.  

I have never, in 28 years, seen so many berries on this tree.  Fortunately my nordic blood does not mind cold winter temps and I love the coziness of a snow fall.  But I’d better go change the oil in the snowblower.  Looks like this year might be a doozy.