Full of Grace - 10 year cancerversary

10 years ago, I had a bilateral mastectomy to remove 3 estrogen triggered tumors found during a routine mammogram.  The breasts were removed along with a few lymph nodes from both armpits.  Fortunately, the cancer was caught early and had not yet begun to spread.  My Onco score, which guesstimates the chances of recurrence, was borderline high between statistically not needing chemo and having a small benefit from chemo.  I opted to decline the chemo and went on a hormonal treatment.  And crossed my fingers.

Today is the 10-year anniversary of that surgery.  It is the date I considered myself to be cancer free and having no recurrence* in these past 10 years is considered a major medical milestone.

I have thought a lot about how to celebrate this day.  Or not.

Today I get to end 10 years of hormonal therapy that effectively eliminated estrogen from my body.   I am very grateful to stop having to pay for and swallow these drugs.  On the other hand, they have done quite a number on my bones and my last Dexa scan showed that I have now crossed from osteopenia to osteoporosis.  

Today is also my daughter’s 30th birthday (yes, I had major surgery on her 20th birthday which really sucked) and I doubt anyone in my family will even remember the significance of this day for me. **  We will bring our daughter a takeout meal - Covid eliminating her favorite Italian dine-in experience - and ooh and ahh over her 2-week-old baby boy.  And I will quietly get a little weepy over the passage of time and the renewal of life.  

Still, while I will be so very grateful to have lived, I can’t help but think of my brother-in-law who lost his battle with pancreatic cancer this summer and of his daughter who will be married at the end of the year without her father to walk her down the aisle.  And of the way too many other friends who were diagnosed with cancer but were not as fortunate as me.

So, like most other things, today is rather bittersweet.  I will not celebrate with balloons or confetti or even chocolate.  But I will celebrate with gratitude.  I have been able to see both my daughters married and now with children of their own, I was financially able to retire, I traveled to some awe inspiring places, and I met some amazing women who are still on their healing journeys. I am truly blessed

And I will celebrate with humility, knowing that I had little control over getting cancer and have very little control over whether it returns. All I can really do is enjoy this one wild and precious life while it lasts. And I intend to do just that.

* I did have a melanoma cancer surgery last year but don't consider that a recurrence since I am so fair and spent every summer of my youth sunning myself, unprotected, at a beach 8 hours a day.  

** Just after I wrote this, this arrived on my doorstep from a friend because nothing says happy cancerverary better than Zabar’s chocolate babka and rugelach!