Emotional Triage

 Years ago I recognized that trauma was stealing my life.   I made a decision to start the hard work of therapy and reclaim what was mine to begin with - my body, my voice, my right to safely exist.  It has not been a straight path to healing, and I have often fallen off the path.  Still, my therapist and the wonderful folks I met while writing about it on this blog, gave me a ton of support and useful strategies to cope - practicing gratitude, anxiety reducing exercises, writing out my feelings, calming rituals, etc.   Through these I have managed to pretty much keep my life on an even keel.

But recently,  the unceasing barrage of horrifying news has me spiraling and struggling to put out trauma fires almost daily.  

Rape stories coming out of the Ukraine.  I really try not to read much but these stories are hard to avoid and the horror begins to affect my nervous system.

Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Plant the flowers I started from seed in the basement.

News of the expected overturning of Roe vs Wade - especially with no rape or incest exemption.

Daphne ended her life after finding out she was pregnant.  I didn’t know this until much later.  I always assumed that she just couldn’t deal with the physical and mental damage done to her.  Now when I hear about the repulsive and vile “no exemptions” clauses some states want to include, it has me awash in sadness and trembling in dark memories.  

I went to my grandson’s baptism where our whole family gathered and celebrated a loved and wanted baby.  It felt healing to be wrapped in so much love

The racist attack in Buffalo. 

Anger.  I feel nothing but anger.

And then one thing that made me feel some hope.  There was a huge campaign for “parental rights” school board candidates who wanted the ‘diversity’ curriculum banned from our schools.  They were funded by a very wealthy local businessman with road signs on every corner and campaign mailings almost every day.  Voter turnout was a record high and those candidates were overwhelmingly defeated.  Sometimes hate doesn’t win.

Uvalde, Texas

I am haunted.  I am trying to avoid too much exposure to this slaughter but hearing how long those children were trapped.  Hunted.  Prey.  All that talk about gun control, the shooter, the police.  But I can only put myself in the place of those children.  I can feel their fear and I am trembling.  It has overpowered all my efforts at calm and started another round in the  apparently endless struggle.  Reliving all those feelings.  Helplessness in the face of power and violence.  So much violence.

And so I am trying to get a foothold, to get back on track dealing with the reverberations of trauma. Write out my feelings.  Practice gratitude.  Don’t let go of hope.  Long practiced efforts.  I know how to do this.  

Thank you for being here.