Full of Grace

Finally . . . Spring!!!

I know most of you have already experienced this but for those of us who live where winter was of unusual length and temperature and snow, please allow me this time to me to revel in:

• 70 degrees
• shorts and T-shirts and sandals
• green sprouts poking up from the ground
• the honking of geese returning
• chirping birds waking me at 4 am
• vegetable garden tilled and ready
• basement flowers spending time outdoors
• trees budding
• the changing light and longer days
• light cotton bedding
• bike riding
• and the local ice cream stand open!

Okay, you can go back to your already blooming flowers and fully leafed trees now.   I will be here, enjoying the anticipation.

Full of Grace

• Seeing Cinderella a second time with my daughters.  (They saw Cinderella, I saw Cate : )

• One semi-warm day that allowed me to finally plant the peas.  

• Finally finishing my taxes but crap, for the first year ever I owe money.  A lot of money.  I am now working part time, technically as a consultant, so my employer is no longer taking taxes out of my check automatically.  Still I am grateful to be able to have the money to pay without having to sacrifice any necessities.

• Saying goodbye to Peachie for the last time she will be returning to college.  Next we will be picking her up after graduation.

• And most especially I am grateful for this year's Easter dinner.  Peachie invited her boyfriend who didn't want to go home because his mom is in the middle of her second divorce and it's ugly.   Beaner invited a fellow student who has a horrible home life and never goes home.  I invited Ethel, the elderly woman I take grocery shopping because apparently her family didn't invite her anywhere.  And Martha invited a college basketball player from Nigeria she has befriended.  We were quite the interesting group - our own little island of misfits toys.   I walked away from religion years ago but this to me will always be church.  As it should be, I think.

Full of Grace

March came in like a lion and is going out like a lion.  Apparently it has been an historic month for us because it is the first time that we never got to 50 degrees.  Not once during the whole month.

This is my vegetable garden.   Obviously peas were not planted on St. Patrick’s Day. They will not be planted by Easter. The ground is still frozen solid. And you can see in the picture where high gusty winds ripped the siding right off my neighbor’s house.  We in the northeast are hungry for Spring.  But there are still lots and lots of things to be grateful for:

• Cinderella.  Yes, I did wait a week to see it so that I was not surrounded by hundreds of 7 year old girls.  It was hard to see Cate play such an evil character but, oh, those close ups.

• I really like my new urologist.  He totally agreed with my concerns the connection between my cancer meds and bone loss and kidney problems and spent a lot of time with me discussing them.  He has ordered a full metabolic workup so that we can determine exactly what chemical changes are happening and how we might counteract them.  I really appreciate when I feel “heard” by a doctor.

• Having my phone say “you have no appointments scheduled for today.”

• We went to the NCAA women’s basketball semi-finals.  I am not that big of a basketball fan but since both my girls played I have sat at the games of 3rd graders through varsity and regional All-Star levels.  But what a joy (and difference) to watch the UConn women play the game.  Such power and grace and skill.  

• Black jelly beans, which I'm pretty sure are healthy for me.

Over Exposed

March has traditionally been a difficult month for me.  The 1st was Daphne’s birthday.  There was a time that I would retreat from the world, wallow in traumatic memories and tremble in it for days.  As I healed the day became more of a day of sadness and quiet reflection.  Then years ago I learned where she was buried and I would commemorate the day by making the trip to visit her grave. This year the date came and went and I didn't even notice.  

Three years ago on March 4th my mother died. I miss my mother terribly. I think of her everyday. And yet March 4th passed and I never felt the significance.  

Last week I had an appointment with my new urologist at a new location.  The address didn't ring any bells and when I got there I wandered into the medical arts building looking for his office. It wasn't until I walked down one hall that I realized that the office I had just passed was once Lauren’s office, my dear friend and therapist who saw me through the worst of it and then died suddenly.  I had been in this building hundreds of times.

I’m not sure what this even means.  

When I started the exposure therapy I was afraid that the process would severely desensitize my emotions to a point where I was so exposed to intense feelings that I wouldn't be able to feel anymore.  I don’t know if this is what’s happening. Maybe I have just moved on with my life to such a point that the past is not clinging to me like a ball and chain. Maybe March has been a month filled with such fun, non-medical things that I just breezed through it?  

Still, how could I forget Daphne’s birthday?  My mother’s passing?  Lauren?

I am feeling extremely disloyal to these women who have been the very foundation of all that is good in my life.   

I am more than just a little concerned.

Full of Grace

• Enjoying a book so much I started to read slower just because I didn't want it to end

• Meeting some incredibly strong and very positive people in my Livestrong cancer survivors’ class.  Some of these people have had very recent surgery, are currently going through radiation and chemo and still come to exercise as much as they are able and be support to someone else.  

• The maple sap is flowing.  It does amaze me that the earth continues to give us such heavenly things as maple syrup when we have done so much damage to her.   

• Feeling very fortunate to have a grand historic theater near us where we get to enjoy touring Broadway shows.  

• Basement plants are mostly thriving and giving me great joy watching them grow, although I fear with temperatures still in the 20s they may not ever see real sunshine.

Full of Grace

• Somebody flipped the weather switch to spring.  We went from sub zero to almost 50 degrees literally overnight.  It’s amazing how the warmth, sunshine and longer days change people’s moods.  Fortunately the temps have dropped some again, otherwise we would have had massive flooding.  

• The sidewalks have melted enough to start walking to work again.  Oh how I love that brisk morning walk to start my day.

• Having the honor of awarding the Daphne scholarship.   Those who have read this blog for a while know that I started a small scholarship in honor of Daphne for a high school senior going to college for science.  Then her mother made the scholarship amount quite significant and created a fund to keep it funded after her death.  I know how much even small scholarships helped my daughters so it is a real joy (although difficult choice) to gift this money to a promising scientist.

• I surprised Martha with tickets to the women’s NCAA regional semi final basketball games.  I am not so grateful for getting the tickets as I am for her very enthusiastic response.   It’s nice to be able to make someone so happy.

• Peachie home safely from her cross country travels.   I will sleep much better tonight.

Full of Grace

• Sending in our deposit for a family vacation at the beach.

• Dropping my phone and watching it fall, in slow motion, and NOTHING broke!

• A dear friend who has been diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer has been accepted into a promising clinical trial program with the Mayo Clinic.   Unfortunately she will not know if she will be part of the actual medicated group or the placebo group, which sucks, but it has given her hope.  And hope is a powerful medicine.

• Peachie has been accepted into the graduate program of her choice.  Which means she will also be coming home to live for 2 years.  Grateful for the first part.  A little eye twitch is developing about the second : )

• Choosing the next mountain to climb.  Literally.  It feels so good to finally feel good enough to plan another backtracking trip.  Training has begun.