March has traditionally been a difficult month for me. The 1st was Daphne’s birthday. There was a time that I would retreat from the world, wallow in traumatic memories and tremble in it for days. As I healed the day became more of a day of sadness and quiet reflection. Then years ago I learned where she was buried and I would commemorate the day by making the trip to visit her grave. This year the date came and went and I didn't even notice.
Three years ago on March 4th my mother died. I miss my mother terribly. I think of her everyday. And yet March 4th passed and I never felt the significance.
Last week I had an appointment with my new urologist at a new location. The address didn't ring any bells and when I got there I wandered into the medical arts building looking for his office. It wasn't until I walked down one hall that I realized that the office I had just passed was once Lauren’s office, my dear friend and therapist who saw me through the worst of it and then died suddenly. I had been in this building hundreds of times.
I’m not sure what this even means.
When I started the exposure therapy I was afraid that the process would severely desensitize my emotions to a point where I was so exposed to intense feelings that I wouldn't be able to feel anymore. I don’t know if this is what’s happening. Maybe I have just moved on with my life to such a point that the past is not clinging to me like a ball and chain. Maybe March has been a month filled with such fun, non-medical things that I just breezed through it?
Still, how could I forget Daphne’s birthday? My mother’s passing? Lauren?
I am feeling extremely disloyal to these women who have been the very foundation of all that is good in my life.
I am more than just a little concerned.
Dearest 8, Don't beat yourself up for healing. That's been your goal for years. I think all three of these beloved women would be celebrating the huge leap forward you have made in your journey. You haven't forgotten them, you will never forget them. And, instead of dwelling on their deaths, you are incorporating their lives and their love into your own life. Mark you calendar to honor their birthdays with quiet reflection and gratitude. That would surely please them more than focusing on the loss.
ReplyDeleteYou are here on the earth to live and love. You are doing that. You have turned a corner so that the love and the positive memories of your mom, Daphne and Lauren are foremost in your life. That is as it should be. This is not something to mourn. Of course you will always miss them. We know that feeling never goes away. But, to be able to call up the good memories before the bad ones is a victory; and a natural step in the progress of healing.
I'm sending you love and strong hugs, my friend. Please be kind to yourself, as all three of these women would wish you to be. Much, much love coming your way through the ether...
xoxoxoxox
As usual, dear friend, you are right. And I know there is another important birthday coming up in April. I will not forget it : )
DeleteI think the greatest gift you could give to them is LIVING your life, fully and deliciously and in doing so, if the dates pass and you only notice after the fact, that's ok. I agree with e that you have turned a corner. I felt the same way the first year I realized I had missed the day my grandmother died...it happens and I truly think it means that there has been a measure of healing and being able to recognize so many things on OTHER days those women have given you is one of them.
ReplyDeleteI don't disagree but I really think there is something else going on. I'm just not sure what it is.
DeleteThanks for always being supportive.
I am certainly not an expert but this felt more to me not that you are forgetting these remarkable women but rather that you are not as aware of calendar dates as you once were. Perhaps since you are no longer working full time? It is common for retirees to forget even what day it is.
ReplyDeleteI fully agree with Kalisis Rising, living your life is your greatest gift to them.
Yes, I often think that Tuesdays are Monday since it starts my work week. But to totally miss two major events in the first week of March seems different. I'm not beating myself up, but I am still trying to work out this odd feeling.
DeleteIn addition to what already been said, your plate has been chock full of the good, the bad, and the emergent. A variety of factors; time, the work you've done, the fullness of your day-to-day worked to not erase, but minimize the import of those events.
ReplyDeleteGood points all
DeleteThat's not disloyal, it's a natural progression in grief.
ReplyDeleteYes, I can't disagree with that, yet I still feel there is something much deeper going on that I can't quite put my finger on. But knowing myself, I will obsess about it until I figure it out : )
ReplyDelete