Nostalgia

nos·tal·gia

NOUN

1. a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations:

I don’t know if it’s an age thing, or perhaps a healing thing, but lately I have been feeling very nostalgic.  

For Christmas I scanned a box of my father’s old slides that were my sister’s.  But then I realized that quite a few of the slides had pictures of us together so I had them published in a book called “Sisters” and wrote sentimental quotes under them like “A sister is a little bit of childhood that can never be lost." I really enjoyed the stroll down memory lane, especially the pictures of us with our parents.  Wistful affection.  Lot s of happy personal associations..

The most amazing thing happening is warm memories of Daphne are bubbling up out of nowhere.  As long time readers of this blog know, the horrific memories of our assault have always obliterated all else.  In fact, until a lot of therapy helped, I couldn’t let myself even think about Daphne because the images were so triggering it would put me in a dark hole for days.  Any memories of a tender three year relationship were reduced to a three hour nightmare.

But recently the memory files are opening at random, in no particular order or significance.  Happy memories.  Silly memories. Sexy memories. Deep soulful memories.  Even memories of arguments.  

I am taking this as a huge sign of healing, that these doors are now opening.  It is a wonderful gift to have such sweet memories resurfacing and to be able to feel nostalgic for my past rather than horror and trauma. Ia m deeply grateful.

Of course, with such a sentimental remembrance of the past there is also a sense of regret and remorse about what could have, should have been.  I try not to dwell there too long and just accept that things are unfolding in a way I can’t control.  And I hope that in another 20 years, I’ll be sitting with Martha in our rockers, feeling nostalgic for today, when our daughters still lived at home, we laughed a lot, and we could still stand up out of a chair unassisted.