Friday, January 22, 2016

Becoming A Student

Sometime toward the end of last year I saw my therapist for a routine visit.  We started chatting about two things things I still have issues with - control and memory. As she always told me, she is not an expert in PTSD or sexual trauma, but had come across a woman I might be interested in talking to. And so I made an appointment with Leah.  I use her name here because I think I will be writing about her a lot.  

She asked if I wanted/could share my story and I very simply and calmly told her.  Then I sat there. Amazed.  It took me quite a while and then explained to her that I had never been able to so easily verbalize that experience.  Then I waited for some kind of congratulations because I recognized what a huge leap this was for me.  It didn’t come.  I was kind of disappointed.

Instead she said “and what did you do with all the anger?”   And like a deer in headlights I just stared at her.  “Anger?  What anger?”  “After everything you just told me - raped multiple times, witnessing the torture of your lover, and enduring her subsequent death - you felt no anger?”  

Hmmm.  That would make sense, wouldn’t it.  But I don’t remember anger.  I remember sadness.  I remember numb.  But I’m sure she is right.  I know that my reactions don’t always match the circumstances and some things are still playing out in little niggly ways.  

So anger is going to be added to the list.  

1. Anger.  What did I do with that anger? How do I still have issues with it?

2.  How to reduce my need for control.  This is something that Martha has asked me to work on.  I thought I had pretty much conquered control issues until she kept pointing them out.  It can be very helpful to have an outside observer make you aware of behaviors that have become so routine that they don’t really register.

3. And memory issues.  I can remember things that happened, but I can’t remember when things happened.  Or the order they happened.  For example at work, someone will ask me when a certain development was built.  I have no idea whether it was just last year or 20 years ago.  It all feels the same to me.  Even when someone asked me when the attack happened, I couldn’t put my finger on it.  I had to start doing the math in my head to try to narrow it down - it was after I graduated college, so it was after this year, I was working but taking grad courses, but it was before I moved so it was before this year  . . .    it is a very frustrating struggle. I do remember Lauren, my original therapist, telling me that trauma can wreak havoc with memory, often permanent, but it is something I would like to try to improve, if possible.

So I am back in therapy but feeling very different about it.  I am no longer the simpering, whimpering patient terrified of taking every step.  I am now able to calmly and logically (well, most of the time) examine the cause and effect of sexual trauma.  I am deeply interested in the physical and emotional changes that happen in the brain and if they are reversible by training, or can at least be managed better than I do now.  

I am no longer on the inside struggling to get out but rather on the outside examining me from a whole different perspective.  I am my own case study.   

I am becoming a student.  And I think I have found a pretty good teacher.

I’m pretty excited about it.







16 comments:

  1. I would be angry as well. I was sexually assaulted by a doctor at work once and I took kick boxing for six months to help work out my anger. I spent six month in my imagination kicking the shit out of that doctor.

    I'm so sorry this happened to you. It makes me to sick to know that human beings can act like this. Even though I know it to be true, it still makes me feel sick. I feel the same way when I read accounts of concentration camps.

    I glad that you're able and willing to work through this. My guess is that the anger and the control are related. I know I'm a control freak and I know I do this to help me feel safe, although I often forget this.

    Sending hugs.

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    1. I have come to believe that sharing our stories, our victories and our defeats, helps us all to heal. Thank you for sharing your story and for the hugs.

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  2. I am so glad that you are continuing to work on your healing. It's hard, yes, but every step forward is reclaiming your life. And, you've come so far! I love the attitude you are bringing to this round of therapy. Student of yourself, indeed.

    I hope you told Leah how amazing it is for you to be able to tell the story calmly, how that is a victory all by itself. I want her to be cheering for you!

    Also, this made me chuckle: "It can be very helpful to have an outside observer make you aware of behaviors that have become so routine that they don’t really register." Lol! Thanks, Martha!

    You'll find your justifiable anger, 8, and it might be a little scary but reclaiming and dealing with it will be a very liberating step forward.

    Sending you so much love...
    xoxoxo
    e

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    1. I don't think Leah is going to be much of a cheerleader, but I have you for that : )

      I was going to write that my other half has no difficulty in pointing out my flaws, but to be fair, she has put up with a lot of my crazy so I tried to say it kindly : )

      I don't think anger looks very good on me so I hope whatever I find, it will work itself out gently. Core of iron but heart of mush.



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  3. I agree with Lily Cedar about control and anger being related. When you have been dehumanized, it is hard to trust the world. Instead, we try to control it. That is the first order of business. It isn't like you only experienced injustice, you experienced evil. Allowing yourself to feel anger implies trusting the world long enough to let your guard down so you can experience that complex and scary emotion(anger)in a safe place. You have found a rational angel who is going to help you through it. I think you are on to something! Something good.

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    1. What you say makes a lot of sense. I am looking forward to learning more about the relationship between control and anger and hopefully become a little easier to live with - easier for myself and for my family.

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  4. Thank you for your kind comment on my blog. When I read this post, I could definitely relate. I am working on anger in therapy as well. I'm terrified of anger being directed outward, so it usually comes out at myself in the form of panic attacks, or self harm. I was not allowed to be angry growing up. It definitely takes time to access and redirect in a healthy way. You are doing the hard work to heal! Take care. <3

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    1. I have known panic attacks, but mostly withdrawal. Anger is something very new and strange to me. Scary yes. I am both terrified and full of hopeful anticipation to be opening new doors. I am also extremely grateful to feel so supported in my quest. Thanks for stopping by.

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  5. Your have quite the adventure ahead. Sounds like you have quite the capable guide. It feels like you have the mettle to make take the trip.

    Congratulations. Much luck. So courageous.

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    1. Thanks. I keep thinking the more I learn the better off I am against future weirdness. I am ready for the adventure.

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  6. i think anger is healthy, especially in transitions, and as long as it's not pointed inward or it becomes consuming. for me, i always remind myself that there is a world of difference between feeling and doing. i may feel like pushing you down the cellar stairs but i don't act on it!

    what happened to you was horrible and you have every right to be furious about it. i'd send you a punching bag :^)

    8, when you feel like ripping a room apart, or in my case, opening the cellar door, remember that feeling is not the same as doing. you don't control your feelings, just your actions. i know absolutely that you'll always know the difference as you travel this healing road.

    love
    kj

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    1. You feel like pushing me down the cellar stairs?!?!?! (kidding)

      Honestly, I have never felt like ripping a room apart. I've never ever fantasized about physically hurting anyone. Or revenge. I think that is the point - that somewhere I missed (or buried) anger. Even today I sometimes get pissed that some of those old injuries still haunt me, I'm not really angry. I'm not sure anger is an issue for me, but I am willing to look at it since the therapist seemed to think it was important. Maybe it just leaks out of me in different, perhaps unhealthy, ways. So much to learn so little time . . .

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  7. Wow, I'm impressed with all the insights here. I have my own memory issues, ptsd, etc. But rather than burying my anger, I can ride it, which has it's own shadow and challenge. Good points here about control. And yes, I totally agree that when you get to the place that you are swamped in your wounds... it is so much easier to continue healing work. It is different. Not "easy" but easier. You have more strength and skill. Your journey is always inspiring. Much strength to you upon the path - and joys and reward, too! ZC

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  8. that should be when you get to the place where you are NOT swamped in your wounds...

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  9. I have been asked the same thing by therapists... about the anger, which I don't feel I have. Then say suppressed anger is depression, which I DO suffer from, so maybe that's what happened to the anger. I don't know, I just don't really relate to anger. I feel it is akin to giving up one's power. Maybe I'm wrong, who knows.

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