I have watched the video of Daniel Holtzclaw being found guilty of multiple counts of rape and sexual battery many, many times now. I watch the man rocking himself like a little boy and sobbing as each count is read. Each time I watch it I pity him. I believe he truly expected to get off and now, going to prison, he knows what to expect there too.
Everything I’ve read about this case points to Holtzclaw specifically targeting black women because he knew that they would not be believed. That was his expectation. The word of a white police office would always trump the accusations of a black woman.
And I’ve read the stories of some of these women. Not surprisingly, they too expected not to be believed. Until one brave woman said, “He picked the wrong lady” and someone believed her.
I have browsed black social media looking for reactions. On one site I read that this is the first time a white man was convicted of the rape of a black woman. While I know that is not accurate, I understand the sentiment. That is the expectation, based on years and years and years of practiced injustice.
I remember sharing with a straight blogging friend a picture of Daphne and I in Europe. Her response was “I love to think about you two galavanting around Europe.” And I thought “how naive she is, we were scared to death.” as we were whenever we were out in public - an interracial lesbian couple, in the 80s, and now far from home. We made ourselves as small as possible and expected to have problems. But privileged, straight, white women get to have different expectations.
When Daphne and I were sexually assaulted the police interviewed me and wrote their report. I was afraid and in shock and fighting to be able to see Daphne. I am told I was taken to a hospital so my body could be examined and photographed, my clothing taken for evidence, my broken bones cast. I have very little memory of this. But I do remember speaking with the police who said to me, on more than one occasion - “well, what did you expect?”
What did I expect? I’m not sure I had any expectations, but it I’m sure it wasn’t that.
I do not know what it is like to live as a black woman in our culture. But I do know what it was like to love a black woman. I know what it is like to have no power to fight an aggressor. I know what it was like to have my life and love so devalued that a police officer would just assume we deserved to be attacked. I can only imagine how frightening and dehumanizing it must be for black women when faced with that kind of white power. All. The. Time.
My heart weeps for those 13 women. The jury felt they did not have enough evidence to convict Holtzclaw on all 36 counts. But I believe every single one of them. I believe every word of their agonizing stories. I hope that they will be able to find some peace and pride and healing.
I have watched the video of Daniel Holtzclaw being found guilty of multiple counts of rape and sexual battery many, many times now. I watch the man rocking himself like a little boy and sobbing as each count is read. Each time I watch it I feel pity for him.
I did not expect that.
It took a lot of courage for those women to stand up and testify against him - I am glad someone listened to them. I hope they find peace and healing too...
ReplyDeleteIt is my prayer ....
DeleteHard as it was, I felt for him too. Mostly because I heard my mother's voice, "he needs help, not just jail."
ReplyDeleteTo have little to zero value in a nation that you are expected to hold dear, have pride in, defend . .
I hold up the courage of those women. I hold up the courage of the first person to hear, believe. I hold up the courage of the prosecutor to build the case against a police officer.
I think your mother and my mother could have been great friends : )
Delete:-)
DeleteI found myself struggling not to give in to vindictiveness and the hope that he got what he gave in prison. I do not feel pity for him. I feel disgust and revulsion. I feel anger that leads to rage. I feel a malicious glee that he was tried, found guilty and sentenced to as much hell as legally possible. And then I feel disgusted with myself for my visceral reaction.
ReplyDeleteYou are a much better person than I am, 8, for digging beyond the easy, knee-jerk reaction and finding pity for this dangerous, entitled, power-corrupted creep.
And, I wish you and Daphne could have gallivanted. Still, I am glad that you two went to Europe together. Hell, it's dangerous enough to just drive out of the city in some places (looking at you, rural Oregon.)
"I do not feel pity for him. I feel disgust and revulsion. I feel anger that leads to rage. I feel a malicious glee that he was tried, found guilty and sentenced to as much hell as legally possible."
DeleteAnd this is why I love you.
I learned something new about you today; I didn't know that Daphne was black. I don't know that a lot has changed, even as a white woman, dating another white woman, I often felt scared and knew that no matter the fact that she was ex Marine, we could still be hurt or even killed if we made a misstep. And absolutely forget how terrified I was when my girlfriend was black. I think I still carry a part of that fear with me today, I can't even imagine if it had come true. Your ability to feel something FOR this man and not AGAINST him shows the true depth of your humanity.
ReplyDeleteI wonder, do you still have that same fear in your current relationship?
DeleteI think I just feel pity for any living thing in obvious pain. I can feel pity for him but if I then allow myself to think of his victims, my feelings are so much stronger and visceral.
I fear for our safety sometimes now too, yes, but in a different way. Now I worry about the police state we live in and how just because of his color and sex, he will most likely be presumed guilty and could be hurt terribly without warning. He thinks I worry too much, but when he leaves to drive alone, I always want to know he arrived safely at his destination b/c of all the things that could go wrong for him in between. Also of note regarding how I feel safer in public tho is that we live in a major metropolitan area where interracial dating is much more common than when I was dating my ex Marine (we were not far from where Mathew Shepard was killed and often in the heart of LDS country) and with my black girlfriend, we were living in a metropolitan area, but not one where there were a lot of interracial couples, so maybe geography has something to do with it?
DeleteI can't even imagine being a young black male in this country. I grew up in a diverse culture and then moved to a more conservative area of the state. There were big differences in acceptance, so yes, I agree that geography has a lot to do with it. The difference I feel and see when I have been in the south (with the exception of gay and culture friendly places like Disney and Key West) I find frightening. But even in the most diverse and culturally accepting places, it only takes one hater.
DeleteThere are so many things I want to say about this post. It is really powerful. But words fail me. Your words, they are more than enough.
ReplyDeleteThank you. It was difficult for me to write. More difficult to know this happened.
Delete8.....i turned off the tv when I moved here so this is the first time I've seen this man. I watch and I can't feel pity. I think 'what a waste,' I know there's a sexual disease here but I'm glad he's convicted.
ReplyDeleteMy first great love was a black woman. She had so much pride and I was so in love that I sidestepped safety concerns. We strutted. It we were careful too, aware.
I will always be angry and sorry for what happened to you and daphne but too, that you've survived and thrive is a testament to you and to humanity. I think the world of you, 8.
Love
kj
One of the main criticisms was this was never covered by main stream media. Well, not until it blew up the internet through Black social media.
DeleteI am still amazed at how much our culture has changed regarding inter-racial and queer couples. But every time I see an inter-racial couple my heart is in my throat. And when I see lesbian couples I often want to follow them to make sure they get to where they're going safely. Intellectually I know the world is changing, but emotionally the fear still lingers. And in reality, it only takes one hater to do so much damage.
I have such a mixed reaction to seeing that video. Pity, anger, sorrow about the damage he did to his the women and a deep wish that his verdict brings at least a measure of peace to his victims.
ReplyDelete