Speaking Too Soon

Obviously I tempted the fates when I rejoiced in a whole week without a loved one in the hospital.  Last night Peachie woke us up around 1 am to say she was having back pain.   She had recently returned from a beach vacation where she had been jet skiing so my first  thought was that she had wrenched her back.  But when I pulled myself out of bed and saw her doubled over in pain, I recognized it.  Kidney stones.  I have had four and I know that look of OMG this effin’ hurts!  So off to the emergency we went.

Fortunately it wasn't very crowded and they quickly escorted us to a cubby (they really don’t have rooms in the emergency room) to be examined.   I froze.  I felt it coming.   I didn't realize that I have not been in an emergency room since I was there after the assault.  I have absolutely no memory of it, I only know from being told I was there.   But walking down that hall I felt the wave of terror coming.  Martha must have see too because she very calming looked me in the eye and said “Go take a walk.  Then come back.  Your daughter needs you.”  

I went back into the fresh air and started doing all my anxiety parlor tricks.  And I kept thinking  “I am over this now.  I will not go back to fear.  I have a core of iron (thank you e for that image I often use).   I am stronger than my past and any trigger.”  

And it passed.

I walked back into the ER - no I strutted back into the ER.   I sat and held my daughter’s hand until they gave her some happy drugs.   And six hours later we heard the happy news that it was not a kidney stone but a wicked kidney infection.  A heavy dose of antibiotics and home we came.

I have been sitting for awhile thinking.  I spoke too soon on loved ones in the hospital.   (Maybe next week will be a medical free week).   But I also recently wrote about reaching a new plateau in my healing recovery.  I wrote it hoping against hope that it was true.  And now, now I am truly beginning to believe it.   Can PTSD be cured?  I really don’t know.  But I am beginning to feel confident that it can be successfully managed?   Yes.  Yes I am.

And now I am going to bed, happy with these victories, and hoping that I wake up to at least two SCOTUS decisions to celebrate.