Monday, July 25, 2011


In Greek mythology Sisyphus was a king punished by being compelled to roll an immense boulder up a hill, only to watch it roll back down, and to repeat this throughout eternity.

I am beginning to feel the same way.

Twenty five years of rolling the PTSD boulder up a hill only to watch it roll back down and start again.

Only this time, this time I thought I had finally reached the top. Over two years of intense, gut shredding therapy and I thought I had conquered it once and for all.

But with the death of my friend and therapist I watched that boulder roll right back down, and I am back on the bottom, having to start pushing it back up the hill. Again.

Okay, I know how to do this:

how to deal with the feelings of anxiety -

laugh, cry, exercise hard, make love (gently)

how to manage the PTSD symptoms -

get enough rest, focus on gratutude, rely on supportive friends and family, breathe, focus on the present, focus on the love in my life. Be aware. Administer self care. Concentrate, focus, write, breathe, pray. Repeat.

I had once posted this video in relation to keeping New Year’s resolutions. But it is even more true for me now. I’ve got to push this cock sucking boulder up the mother fucking hill.

I can do this.



  1. I am reminded of the song

    "Just pick youself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again ..."

    I know how hard this is, especially after all you've just been through. But you know you CAN do it, because you already have. And you know you HAVE to do it because you will not let them win. And you know you WILL do it because its who you are.

    And we are all here to help.

  2. You are right - you know how to do this. One step at a time. You know the answer. And the answer is within you.

    (where did I hear that before? : )

  3. Your emotional load is very heavy but your perseverence and commitment to healing and hope is inspirational.

    Do not let this setback deter you. You know the steps up that mountain this time. Keep heading in that direction, one step at a time. You will conquer it. Conquer it with faith and love and the help of friends. I believe it. And so do you.

  4. There are times in this life when we just want to ask, "Why?" But, of course, there is no answer.

    All you can do is keep going forward.

    "I get knocked down, but I get up again. You're never gonna keep me down..."