Thursday, July 21, 2011

Down But Not Out

I often feel like one of these punching clowns.  I get knocked down.  I pop back up.  Someone punches me.  I rebound.  Life sometimes completely flattens me.  But I always eventually stand back up.

I realize that it is not me doing all the work of getting back up.  I am keenly aware of the support system around me who come and help me right myself.  Every.  Single.  Time.

A couple of weeks ago I lost one of the biggest pieces of that support system.  My friend.  My therapist.  My rock.  The person who was such a big part of literally every aspect of my life, I can’t even begin to figure out how my life will work without her in it.

When we first met, she became my counselor.  And then we were friends.  Close friends.  For over twenty years.  And then things went full circle and she was once again my therapist.  The woman who finally got me to walk through the scariest, darkest place of my life and made it okay.  More than okay.

And then she suddenly dropped dead.  I have not yet allowed myself to feel the pain of it.

So now I am down.  Again.  I am down and I feel shredded.  It feels good to be down.  Stay down.  This has been a significant blow and I need to rest before doing the work of mourning.  I have often said that when Daphne died I lost half of my soul.  I am afraid if I feel this pain, I will lose even more of it.  I am aware that I am shutting out the pain, keeping it at bay.  Until I am ready.

So that’s where I’m at.  Down.  But not defeated.  Just weary.  And scared.

And I know that I will get up again.  I have far too much love in my life to languish in this no man’s land for too long.  There are children who need me and work to do and gardens that need tending and friends to repay kindnesses to.  Many, many kindnesses.

Thank you all for your kind comments here and personal emails to me.  They have been cherished.

I will get back up.  And I know I have an army of folks to help me do just that.  When I’m ready.


  1. Ready or not, we are always here.

  2. There is no right or wrong way to deal with grief and there is no timetable. Take your time. I have no doubt you will get back up and continue to love.

  3. This poem was once a great comfort to me -


    You don’t get over it/ you just get through it
    you don’t get by it/ because you can’t get around it
    it doesn’t “get better”/ it just gets different
    every day…/grief puts on a new face.

    - Wendy Feiereisen

  4. We are here for you, you are loved and held in love and light.

  5. AnonymousJuly 22, 2011


    Your grief for what you’ve lost lifts a mirror
    up to where you’re bravely working.

    Expecting the worst, you look, and instead,
    here’s the joyful face you’ve been wanting to see.

    Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes.
    if it were always a fist or always stretched open,
    you would be paralyzed.

    Your deepest presence is in every small contracting
    and expanding,
    The two as beautifully balanced and coordinated
    as birdwings.

    - Rumi

  6. I like to think that when everything in life goes wrong at once, something big and lovely is about to get born.

    This is what I wish for you.

  7. Hugs. Tea. Chocolate.