As some of you who have followed my journey through therapy are aware, the main goal of my therapy has been to be able to express the details of the sexual attack that entombed me in trauma and guilt and eventually took the life of my partner. Having buried the attack as far as I could for many, many years, being able to talk about it at all has been a challenge. But under the expert care of my therapist, I have been nibbling around the edges and begun to allow some light into those dark places.
On Monday, answering her direct and often brutally frank questions, I was finally able to talk about the details of the torture and excruciating torment that was inflicted on Daphne. I will not relate it here as it somehow seems like a violation of her privacy. Suffice it to say I am emotionally raw and exhausted. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything so harrowing.
And I was expecting a major shift in myself. For years I have heard that if I could conquer the trauma by talking about it, it would lose its power over me. That all those triggers that body slam me, and all those horrific memories that plaque me, all the guilt that weights me down, would somehow disappear. I was expecting a miracle. I didn’t get it.
I still have to talk about all that happened to me which I can’t even imagine doing.
Maybe then.
IME, once you start talking, it gets easier and then slowly, sometimes so slowly that you don't even realize, by talking about it and bringing it to the light of day, it starts to lose its power. My heart goes out to you tonight; take care of yourself and do what you need to soothe the raw edges. love and light friend.
ReplyDeleteThe more we accept our darkness as one part of the picture, the more easily we can also allow and accept our light.
ReplyDeleteYou are too close to see it. If you could see yourself though my eyes, you would see how far you've already come.
ReplyDeleteMiracles are not magic. Most take time and hard work. In my eyes - You are miraculous.
congratulations you will soon feel the weight of every step forward.
ReplyDeleteWhat Ren wrote is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI also believe you are too close to it to see it. But imagine this - you did something you never thought you could do. That alone is extraordinary. It lost some power over you right there.
Please give yourself time to see it more clearly & I think you will come out of it being very, very proud of yourself - just as we all are.
{{{hugs}}}}
ReplyDeleteGive yourself time. You've had all these years to keep it locked away, it'll take some time to bring it out.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing amazing, profound, difficult work. Please give yourself credit for this. I don't think that anything with this kind of emotional power can be dealt with quickly. Sure, it's taking time, but look back at how far you have come.
I wish I could give you a hug, sit down and have a cup of tea together and just 'be' for an hour. I'm sending you the energy of that thought.
xoxoxoxo
I'm sending you love, great waves of it. I know, from a stranger it may not mean much but it's all I can do as I have no words. *squeEEeze*
ReplyDelete