Days Like These

Most of you know this has been a very rough month for me.

I made some advances in therapy, being able to give voice to the events of that violent day, something I thought I would never be able to do. And that was good. Unfortunately, at some point it became too much, causing an overload of triggers. Too many details I really didn’t want to remember. It was very frightening so I had to stop.

Switched gears to focus more on the guilt that I carry, which led me to write a letter to Daphne’s parents, asking for forgiveness, among other things. Received a letter back from her mother with an acknowledgment of our relationship.  It was not an unkind note.  But no forgiveness.  Most importantly it gave me information on where she was buried.

Went to the cemetery which was brutal. I really don’t have words for it. I was utterly unprepared to see her headstone. It sucked everything out of me. Having never had closure it was almost too much to see the ending, so cold, so final.

And today was the anniversary of that day. It was particularly painful this year. Listening to Billie Holiday records. Her records. The only thing I have left of her.  In many ways I am going through the mourning process all over again.  I hope this time the wound will heal better.

I have been brought to my knees more than once this month. I have wept harder this month than I thought humanly possible.  But there is always something that picks me back up - the knowledge of all the angels in my life who keep me afloat in one way or another.

I thank all of you who let me know that you were with me through the month and particularly today. It is so incredibly comforting to me to know that although I am still dealing with the trauma of violence and the loss of a great love, I still have an awful lot of love and caring that surrounds me. 

It is because of you that I can make peace with days like these.