Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Days Like These

Most of you know this has been a very rough month for me.

I made some advances in therapy, being able to give voice to the events of that violent day, something I thought I would never be able to do. And that was good. Unfortunately, at some point it became too much, causing an overload of triggers. Too many details I really didn’t want to remember. It was very frightening so I had to stop.

Switched gears to focus more on the guilt that I carry, which led me to write a letter to Daphne’s parents, asking for forgiveness, among other things. Received a letter back from her mother with an acknowledgment of our relationship.  It was not an unkind note.  But no forgiveness.  Most importantly it gave me information on where she was buried.

Went to the cemetery which was brutal. I really don’t have words for it. I was utterly unprepared to see her headstone. It sucked everything out of me. Having never had closure it was almost too much to see the ending, so cold, so final.

And today was the anniversary of that day. It was particularly painful this year. Listening to Billie Holiday records. Her records. The only thing I have left of her.  In many ways I am going through the mourning process all over again.  I hope this time the wound will heal better.

I have been brought to my knees more than once this month. I have wept harder this month than I thought humanly possible.  But there is always something that picks me back up - the knowledge of all the angels in my life who keep me afloat in one way or another.

I thank all of you who let me know that you were with me through the month and particularly today. It is so incredibly comforting to me to know that although I am still dealing with the trauma of violence and the loss of a great love, I still have an awful lot of love and caring that surrounds me. 

It is because of you that I can make peace with days like these.


  1. I wish I could just reach through your computer screen and give you the biggest hug possible. Hx

  2. Me too!

    I pray every day that you are able to find some much deserved peace.

  3. and sometimes we just have to step out into the rain - congratulations on all that you accomplished and are traveling through.

  4. I listened to Billie in honor of your Daphne.

    As always, so much love to you.

  5. You have been through so much. Keep moving through, don't get stuck. We are all here for you, holding your hand, hugging, cheering, crying along with you.

    You are a brave, strong and compassionate woman.


  6. I've been dealing with family issues this week, so didn't see this post until now.

    You are the bravest person I "know." I wish you didn't have to be so brave--but I'm so glad that you have such love in your life to help you through this.

    Prayers continue....

  7. You are holding such a very lot in you. My wish for you is that it can become more peaceful, however that looks for you.

  8. Much love and light to you my dear as you move through this. My heart goes out to you and know that even in the darkest moments, you are not alone - there are people, people you don't even really know, we're thinking about you, wondering about you and hoping you're ok.

  9. Everything I want to say sounds stupid. But, I wish this process didn't have to be so hard, you've been through much more than enough already.. and I hope that someday soon you will feel peace, real healing.