Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Under Construction

I have made many attempts at therapy over the years, but quit when it got too tough or the therapy started to interfere with the rest of my life. When I first went to my therapist this January I told her I was finally ready to conquer the triggers/traumas and see it through to its completion, no matter how hard.

She did not sugar coat what I would be expected to do or how trying it would be. She said I had a lot of walls to tear down, before I could build back up. It was going to be hard, emotional work but I fully committed to it because I was tired of the alternative.

The first few months went well. I have been able to open some cracks to let some light in. I have entered emotional rooms that I never thought I would be able to. All for the good. In doing so I had minor anxiety and sleep problems, and some quickly passing depression episodes. Generally though, I thought I was making great progress with few ill side effects.

But now we have started the big stuff. The very foundations of my issues. Things I hope to be able to write about, but am still too unsteady to attempt it. In response, I am having a great deal of difficulty concentrating. I have a handful of blog posts half written, with no interest in finishing them. I am forgetful and have little interest in my work. I am weepy all the time, for no particular reason. This morning at the gym, I started to cry lifting weights. I sit through meetings and tears are spilling over without reason. I am not sleeping because of recurring nightmares. I am tired. My therapist assures me that this is to be expected. I’ve got to go to those hard places to be free of them. My intellectual self understands this completely. My emotional self is quivering.

Still, I am trying to focus on good things. I spent a day in New York catching up with a friend. I continue to make myself to go to work, go to my daughters’ sports events, exercise, stay in a healthy routine. But I also know that I am not the friend/partner/parent/worker I should be. I am sporadic in returning calls or emails, letters are late, blog posts are unwritten or not published, blog comments non-existent or anemic. Please know that I genuinely sorry for this but I also believe it is just temporary.

Please be patient with me. I am under reconstruction.


  1. It's supposed to be a beautiful weekend. Got time for a walk in the woods?

  2. Prayers for you, my Invisible Friend. May the Holy Spirit wrap you in her sheltering wings and usher you into a place of freedom and peace.


  3. You're such a presence in my life - even in my dreams. I take you with me throughout my day and you make me stronger. I wish we could all do that for you - give you a great big wall of protection and warmth so that this part doesn't hurt you so much. You are doing so, so great. Hang on tight through this.

  4. Girl, you gotta be kiddin' me. We are all in awe right now.

    Push on, hun, push on. We are here no matter what.


  5. Take all the time you need. You are doing such hard work, of course you're tired and weepy! It is exhausting to rake up all of the old stuff: emotionally, physically, intellectually. Take extra good care of yourself, keep exercising, give and receive love from your family, eat ice cream...

    I am cheering for you! I am amazed at your strength! I wish I lived near you, because I would drive over right now and give you a big, big hug.

  6. All those tears are just the pain leaving your body.

    I am here for you if you need anything at all.

  7. Do the tears diffuse the thoughts? I'm thinking they are useful and wish you could share each thing you've let go with them. Slowing down to think each thought through is emotionally painful--but when it's finished, those things are at peace inside you and to me it might be like birthing pain that is over and a relief and like all that's left is love.

    Me too on the hugs--if we lived close you would be getting them.

  8. These things that you are dealing with right now have become part of who you are today. They have been buried deep for so long so of course when you try to remove them, there will be emotional and physical pain associated. But you will come out feeling amazing and free! I look forward to that moment with you. Please know that I think and pray for you everyday. Hang in there, girl! You are doing a WONDERFUL job!

  9. Be strong during this difficult time for yourself.
    You will make it through to the other side.

    You are doing a fantastic job.