Two more therapy sessions under my belt and I find myself being pulled further and further apart rather than being put back together. I suppose it is part of the process, yet I am very uncomfortable feeling this vulnerable and fragile and emotionally unstable.
I am coming to realize that there are two separate and very distinct parts of my personality. One side is the person who is always in control. Professional. Intellectual. The one who can examine any problem, list the pros and cons, do a cost benefit analysis, and prepare and execute the most reasonable solution.
The other is one very frightened person who has recognized that there is one huge monster lurking behind a very thin veneer, and is absolutely terrified of letting it loose.
The shrink and I have been talking about triggers and the difference between eliminating them by facing them head on, or managing them by adapting my behavior to go around them. Up to this point, I have been adapting. In fact, I have become a master at avoidance and management. Most people would look at my life and think I have got it all, and the reality is that I do have it all - in a very, very small space that is now my world.
My intellectual side understands this and wants to conquer it. Slay the monster, scale the walls, see Paris. Really now hard can it be? My therapist talks about how the triggers are only reminders of a past ordeal, not a present event. That I need to be able to recognize the past as past and that I am safe now in the present. That I’m fearing a past memory, not a present day reality. And I totally get that. Intellectual me says, of course, I understand that. Makes perfect sense. The past can no longer hurt me. I leave the office feeling confident I am going to defeat this demon because, in reality, the demon is in the past.
And then, particularly at night, terrified little me takes over. “What are you fucking nuts? Those memories are more powerful than your wimpy intellect. You are going to be swallowed whole by things you have yet to understand. Do you really want to re-live those terrors? Do you have any guarantee that you won’t crumble into the simpering, wimpering, worthless person you were that day? Do you really want to risk what shred of mental health you have left?”
The reality is this - I am becoming more and more aware of the demons I have hidden away. Like something you sense because you’ve seen it from the corner of your eye, you know its there even though you haven’t looked directly at it. I now know how large and dangerous a thing (to me) I have locked in that secure place. The more therapy I do, the more I feel it scratching at the door. And some days am ready to do battle. And some days I just want to curl up in bed pull the covers over my head, and hope it will all go away. I am tired and fragile and weepy all the time. I hate feeling like this. I like to be in control and I know I am losing it.
I find that I am now battling myself rather than the demons. I don’t know if I am strong enough to do this. I don’t know if I can find any peace if I don’t.
I keep thinking about that quote “I may be through with the past, but the past is not through with me.”
I wish I could see my future.
The future is there, right in front of you - it's just hard to see because you're looking through this filter. You'll get there... one therapy session at a time.... you'll get there.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your therapy sessions. I know uncovering past memories and whatnot can be difficult. And it is hard to not let the past into your present and future.
ReplyDeleteYou will get there, patience and time will make this happen for you.
Experiment with your faith - call all your angels and take the leap. There will be hands and hearts helping to hold you up.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that helped me was to realize that I was keeping the terror alive by keeping it contained. Does that make sense? I was giving it power over me, over my sanity. Once I realized that, I was angry. Angry about the past, of course, and angry with myself for letting it control me.
ReplyDeleteDo I still have triggers? Yes. Do I still have periods where I am an emotional wreck and cry over ancient history? Yes. But they are so seldom now; so few and far between.
You are doing the hard work right now but it WILL pay off. You will come to a place where the past won't have the power to dominate your life. I promise.
Keep breathing. Keep praying. Keep reaching out.
(((hugs)))
I will be one of those hands and hearts holding you.
ReplyDeleteAngels, angels everywhere. Thanks folks.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous - your comment made gave me goosebumps.
e - It makes all the sense in the world. Thanks for the clarity amid the confusion.
You are a very strong person. That comes through in your writing. You are also very brave. I think about you often and your efforts to take charge of your past and not let it control your life. Take care until your next therapy session.
ReplyDeleteRemember that this thing you're doing is the hardest thing in the world. It's not supposed to be easy. How you're feeling is the way you are supposed to feel. All this means is that you are actually doing this. You are actually IN it. That in and of itself is a tremendous victory. And we are with you. Every day, in my thoughts, you are. Always thinking of you and your incredible strength. So much love.
ReplyDeleteThere was a time, not so long ago, that I doubt you thought you could ever share the details that you have and continue to do on this blog of yours and yet you have shown tremendous courage and done exactly that.
ReplyDeleteI am certain that you will find the strength to help you face this and you know we are here for you to lean on when you need to. Hx
Hang in there - it's a journey.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this with us.