I have made many attempts at therapy over the years, but quit when it got too tough or the therapy started to interfere with the rest of my life. When I first went to my therapist this January I told her I was finally ready to conquer the triggers/traumas and see it through to its completion, no matter how hard.
She did not sugar coat what I would be expected to do or how trying it would be. She said I had a lot of walls to tear down, before I could build back up. It was going to be hard, emotional work but I fully committed to it because I was tired of the alternative.
The first few months went well. I have been able to open some cracks to let some light in. I have entered emotional rooms that I never thought I would be able to. All for the good. In doing so I had minor anxiety and sleep problems, and some quickly passing depression episodes. Generally though, I thought I was making great progress with few ill side effects.
But now we have started the big stuff. The very foundations of my issues. Things I hope to be able to write about, but am still too unsteady to attempt it. In response, I am having a great deal of difficulty concentrating. I have a handful of blog posts half written, with no interest in finishing them. I am forgetful and have little interest in my work. I am weepy all the time, for no particular reason. This morning at the gym, I started to cry lifting weights. I sit through meetings and tears are spilling over without reason. I am not sleeping because of recurring nightmares. I am tired. My therapist assures me that this is to be expected. I’ve got to go to those hard places to be free of them. My intellectual self understands this completely. My emotional self is quivering.
Still, I am trying to focus on good things. I spent a day in New York catching up with a friend. I continue to make myself to go to work, go to my daughters’ sports events, exercise, stay in a healthy routine. But I also know that I am not the friend/partner/parent/worker I should be. I am sporadic in returning calls or emails, letters are late, blog posts are unwritten or not published, blog comments non-existent or anemic. Please know that I genuinely sorry for this but I also believe it is just temporary.
Please be patient with me. I am under reconstruction.