Vanderbilt Reflections

This post generically discusses rape and rape culture.  It may be triggering for some, however, there are no graphic details.  It is intended to be more of a journal entry to document my present feelings and questions so that I eventually have a full story of my own healing journey from traumatic, violent rape.

The headlines were hard to avoid.   Four men accused of gang rape at Vanderbilt College.

The headlines themselves would have been enough of a trigger for me in the past to reduce me to a cowering anxiety riddled mess for days.  But I have read the story and I have found myself with more and more questions about rape.

Years of therapy seem to have gotten me over the debilitating reaction.  It still amazes me - knowing how devastating my reaction to this event would have been just a few years ago and how my emotions have changed.  No, emotions is the wrong word.  More like how much more control I have over staying in the present.  

In some weird way, I like these “tests” that continue to give me confidence that I have conquered the demons that haunted me for so long.

And so I was able to read some of the details of what happened at Vanderbilt and I was horrified, as I’m sure everyone was.  

Sometimes I think I understand rape, and then something like this happens and the I once again realize that is is beyond my comprehension.

How does anyone treat another living thing so horrifically?  I have lived through it and still can’t get my head around it.

And to abuse another human and record it?  What is the psychology of that?

I sort of understand the academic opinion that rape is about power but where is the power in dehumanizing an unconscious body?   I always thought that rapists got off on the struggle.  But where is the struggle here?   

Sometimes I think rape is more about a feeling of ownership or entitlement  - that these men felt that they owned this woman and could do whatever they wanted.  Much like I think how slave owners felt they could treat their slaves.  But I own animals and would never think to mistreat them. (although I know some people do)   What is it that  give some people license to do horrendous things to other souls?   I’m not sure if my question is more about the what gives people license, or more about how/why people can do such horrendous things to other people.  

Somewhere deep inside me I think I need an answer to this question before I can find a final peace.  Or maybe there is no peace.

Are rapists always rapists like pedophiles are always pedophiles just waiting for an opportunity?  Or can rape be a one time event triggered by some demon inside the rapist?   Having just written that I realize that it is probably the same thing.   But I look at  these 4 very privileged, well-educated men, and I assume they were brought up in somewhat loving homes and wonder why?   What makes them think this is okay behavior?   Not only okay at the time, but to record to brag about later? Wouldn’t anyone seeing that video look at it and see these men as perverted monsters?

I can’t imagine what his woman must be going through.  She states she doesn’t remember what happened that night but I know that somewhere, deep down, her body remembers.   I know that my body still reacts reflectively to certain actions.  My brain may now be able to understand and calm triggers, but my body will defend itself from them automatically.  It took me a long time to even understand why these reflexes were happening.  Now I understand them, but I can’t stop them.  Nor do I want to.  I appreciate that they are there to protect me.

I still can’t get past a general relief that camera phones were not  around during our assault.  I can’t even imagine what that must feel like.  That people recorded these perverted actions so that  . . .  so that why?  Why would someone do that?  That they could share it with others?  My stomach still churns at the remembrance of men laughing and jeering at us.  That these humiliations could then be seen by countless others to also jeer at?   I don’t know how this woman will ever overcome it.   I hope she gets help a lot sooner than I did.

And so I just realized as I wrote this that the next step in my journey is to better understand the other side of the equation.  I have learned to accept and cope with what happened to me and Daphne.  I have done a lot of important healing.   Now I want to understand the *why* of rape happens at all.   

Full of Grace

1. Only needing sedation instead general anesthesia for my last surgery which made recovery a breeze. My surgery was at 9 am and I left the hospital at 11:30. What a difference and what a relief.

2. I’ve been selected to participate in an Livestrong at the Y program for cancer survivors. It’s a 12 week program “ to help participants build muscle mass and muscle strength, increase flexibility and endurance and improve functional ability. Additional goals include reducing the severity of therapy side effects, preventing unwanted weight changes and improving energy levels and self esteem. A final goal of the program is to assist participants in developing their own physical fitness program so they can continue to practice a healthy lifestyle, not only as part of their recovery, but as a way of life.” Sounds good to me. I’ve been in the hospital 3 times in the last 3 months, each requiring time to rest and recuperate. I have become soft and lazy and sluggish. I am excited about this.

3. Woke to an abnormally cold house with the furnace clicking on, but mostly off in 10 below weather.  Called the repair place at 6:00 am.  At 5:00 pm the repairman finally showed up my now freezing home and knocked a piece of ice off the outside intake pipe which solved the problem.  Gave me the bill for $176 for a total of 7 minutes labor and no parts.  (there may be a bit of sarcasm in that gratitude)  Still, I was very grateful to have heat again.

4. The light is changing. Our temperatures are still way below normal and there is still a lot of snow of the ground, but the mornings are bright and sunny and it is staying light longer into the evening. March came in like a lion so it will go out like a lamb. Right????

5. This little guy/girl suddenly appeared with my seedlings. A good omen, I think.

Kitchen Rehab

BEFORE

DURING

                                                    AFTER

Overall, we are very pleased with the new kitchen.  It's much brighter and makes the kitchen look bigger.  The drawers and doors close automatically.  We added a lot of outlets and under cabinet lighting.  Pull out drawers for pot and pans and a double cabinet for garbage and recyclables.   I like the granite counters but because they are dark, I often can't see what I put down on them.   It took over 3 months and went way over what Martha told me it would cost.  But we had a lot of fun doing it (except for the floor which was a bitch)  

And my cooking has not gotten any better.

a

Full of Grace

• Bake sales for a good cause.  Not that I needed yet another excuse to  eat cookies.

• Spending a freezing cold Saturday making chicken soup and homemade bread.  I learned how to make the soup, complete with matzo balls, from a friend’s mother, Rose - the most Jewish of Jewish mothers.   There is nothing like comfort food when the weather outside is frightful. Although I have to say that I’ve lost my closest Jewish friends and I so miss them, and their traditions in my life.

• Sunday the weather turned delightful and I finally got out snowshoeing.  I have been chomping at the bit to get outside and do something.  Anything!  And what a stunning day!  Just me and my puppy hiking in the snow in the woods.
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• Cate Blanchett at the Oscars.  Definitely worth staying up past my bedtime for. “Okey dokey, smokey” is now my mantra.

• The last of the necessary surgeries tomorrow. I will be so happy to (hopefully) have all this medical stuff behind me.

Resolutions

I know, it’s a little late to making New Year’s resolutions,  but due to strange health happenings and anesthesia brain, the New Year came and went without much thought.

Then EarthandInk had this wonderful idea to wait until the Chinese New Year to finalize our resolutions.  And so, after much thought and consideration, here are my goals for 2015.

Inspiration

My inspiration for this year is:

“Do small things with great love.”  - Mother Theresa

Intentions

I always wake up every morning and set my intentions for the day.  Included is a list of things I want to accomplish but in addition to the to-do list, I have set my intentions to:

• Make someone smile, everyday.  It is amazing how easy this is.  I just make eye contact with a person in a store or office and smile at them.  9 times out of 10 they smile back.  And then I try to add some pleasantry about the weather, or compliment something they are wearing. They leave smiling, and so do I.  

• Find the magic in the everyday.  The way the snow flashes all the colors of the rainbow when the sun hits it just right.  Or the way icicles dazzle like crystal.  Now I am enjoying the magic of baby plants sprouting and unfolding into the miracle of flowers.  I do think magic is all around us, but I often have to remind myself to notice.

Resolutions

This year I am resolving to reduce my negative impact on the earth.  I have always done the generic things - recycle, walk instead of drive, use environmentally friendly products, etc.  but this year I want to really kick it up a notch. So I resolve to :

• Have meatless meals at least 3 times a week.

• Compost more.  I started a compost pile last year, but now I want to be serious about it.

• Grow and store more food.  I am an amateur gardener and usually grow easy things like tomatoes and beans. This year I want to learn to grow more variety, plant some fruit trees and most especially learn how to store food for year round use.  

• Drive less.  Last year I put 5,000 miles on my car.  This year I want to reduce that to 4,000. Much of my driving is volunteer based which I won’t stop, but I often make unnecessary trips and could be much better in consolidating trips with other family members.   Come better weather I hope to bike the 5 miles to the gym.

• Line dry clothes when weather permits.

• Convince Martha that keeping chickens or bees would be fun.

2015. The year of the sheep and, for me, the year of doing small things with great love.

Full of Grace

As I write this it is minus 10 degrees outside with a minus 42 degree wind chill.  The wind is gusting and blowing the powdery snow into white-out conditions.  It is pretty easy to feel gratitude for the simple things:

• Having a home and a working furnace.  

• Being cozy warm in bed with flannel sheets and a down comforter.

• Snuggling with Martha and planning a summer beach vacation.  Just looking at the pictures makes me giddy with anticipation.

• The smell of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies.

• Seedlings that are already starting to sprout in the basement getting me very excited about spring.

Full of Grace

Getting the doctor’s clearance to sauna again.   It is such a huge part of my “me” time for meditation, reading, contemplation.  To say nothing about how much my skin and bones crave the warmth.

And clearance to go back to the gym.  I am allowed to do everything but ab exercises but wow, have I lost stamina.  5 minutes on elliptical and I was dying.   But, as my fitness daughter said, it was 5 more minutes than I did the day before.

Charity miles.  A free app for your phone that will donate 10 cents a mile for biking and 25 cents a miles for walking or running to a number of great charities.  Go ahead,  download it and start walking for a good cause.

Finally bought a gas stove which will be the final piece in our kitchen remodel.  Now we just need to get a plumber to run the gas line up to the kitchen.  I will be so grateful to have this project finished.  And then yes, I will post some pictures.

Tonight is Martha’s last basketball game of the season.  I don’t know why I thought being a JV coach would be less time consuming than running her youth basketball league.   Every night since November it has been a practice or a game, along with Saturday practices and a random weekend tournament.   It has been a rare occasion that we have a meal together.   I will be happy to have the season end.  And I think, so will she.