Prelude to a Psychic

Before I tell the story of seeing a psychic in New Orleans, I thought I should first relate what was happening in my life, and where my head was at prior to that experience so you understand why, what he told me, has opened something new in me.

Up until two years ago, I was always very active.  I was very connected to the earth and would be outside, hiking, biking, backpacking, planting or building something.   Then I messed up my left knee, which required surgery.   The surgery was successful in that the knee was no longer painful, but it took a long time to get the flexibility and strength back in it.  Then I was diagnosed with breast cancer (for the second time) and had a double mastectomy.   That surgery went well but it took a long time to get my upper body strength and range of motion back.  Since my cancer was estrogen triggered, I began a hormone therapy to kill all the estrogen in my body.  That gave me wicked hot flashes and night sweats.  It also slowly began affecting my joints.  Within months everything hurt and I often needed help just to stand up out of a chair. 

Just when I thought I was recovered from the mastectomy, another spot of cancer was found on my chest wall, requiring yet another surgery and then radiation.   That surgery was a tough one and the six weeks of radiation just wiped me out.   When I finally finished with that, I tore my other knee and had one more successful surgery but a slow rehab.  

Meanwhile without being able to do all the physical things I need to do to ward off anxiety, my PTSD started crawling right back.   Emotionally I was going down hill quickly and falling back into old patterns of fear and withdrawal.

Then the genetic testing of the second cancer came back with a strong possibility of recurrence and my oncologists recommended an oral chemo – just to make sure we got every last cancer cell.   The first few weeks I was doing fine – noticing a growing fatigue but otherwise okay.  And then I hit a wall.  My body hit the proverbial last straw and began rejecting the meds in a big way.  Vomiting and diarrhea became violent.   Sick didn’t come close to describing how I felt.  Until one night I was so weak, I literally shat the bed.   Martha helped me to the bathroom and then left me there to go clean up.   Feeling so miserable I couldn’t even sit on the john, I lay down on the bathroom floor, totally spent, and said “no more.”  

And at this point I have to say how much I admire those folks who have no choice but to go through it.  Multiple times a day I think of them and send gentle, healing vibes into the universe.  

I decided that I would take my chances and stop putting all the poisons and other drugs into my system.   And I really started to think about my life priorities.   Martha asked if I had a bucket list and all I could come up with was that I would like to see New Orleans, the grounds at Biltmore, and to climb the last three mountains of the 46 high peaks in the Adirondacks that I had not topped.   (two items complete, the third will hopefully happen in May) 

I realized when I looked at that list, that I was already a very happy person.   I have a life many people would envy – a fun, long term, supportive relationship with my best friend, healthy, loving kids, a career I love that is deeply very satisfying, amazing friends, many opportunities and abilities to help others, and a strong spiritual connection to the beauty and energy in the universe.   I really want for nothing.  

It didn’t take long before my body began bouncing back after stopping the meds.  Everyday I felt a little stronger.   The vomiting and diarrhea subsided and I felt more confident going out.   My joints started loosening up.   I began walking again and started, slowly, back to the gym.  And the more I could do physically, the better I felt emotionally.     Today my body is feeling pretty good  (for my age : )

But I also realized that I didn’t want to waste whatever precious time I may have left and kept thinking about what the last chapter of my life should look like.   And that is when I thought it would be fun to consult a psychic.  And what better place than in New Orleans . . .

Bumper Stickers

I don’t drive very much. I have tried to arrange my life so I can walk, or bike, to almost everything I need. So maybe I just never noticed them.

Last week I flew to Raleigh North Carolina, rented a car, and drove to Asheville to see the Olmsted designed grounds at Biltmore. Although I would never drive through the Carolinas with New York plates (I’ve heard far too many horror stories) I figured I’d be all right with my rented NC car. It was a 4 hour drive.

You would think I would focus on the lovely backdrop of the Blue Ridge Mountains. But no. Mostly I noticed bumper stickers. Seems like it is common practice to wear your politics and labels and opinions on your car there.* Some cars were literally papered in stickers. And nice cars too - not just stickers to cover a rust spot, like we did in our teens. (Do they get rust spots in the south? )

I saw a lot of Obama and Romney campaign stickers. No comments, just their names. Many similar stickers that I assumed were for local politicians. A lot of peace signs and fish symbols. And quite a few supporting a sport’s teams. Generally labels rather than opinions.

What really did surprise me though was the open vileness of some of the messages:

Gay rights? Gays have the right to die. (with bible verse I couldn’t read)

I sunk down lower in my seat

If I had known this I would have picked my own cotton (along with a picture of the Confederate flag)

I learned everything I need to know about evolution from the Holocaust

and on one truck -

The Bro and his Ho have got to go
and
Don’t Re-Nig in 2012

Seriously? People place these statements on their vehicles? Of course, I realized that if someone had said those things in a conversation, I would have been able to question them on their views. But a bumper sticker does not allow for public debate. And maybe that’s why people do it.

In fairness to North Carolinians, I also saw more liberal leaning stickers:
Why are Republicans so afraid of women?
I’m too poor to vote Republican.
And a many I support marriage equality slogans


So when I got home I started looking for bumper stickers around where I live. Not a one. Literally. A couple of NY Yankees decals. Window decals from colleges. But not one sticker that announced a political position or any other opinion. So I started to research the use of bumper stickers and found this:

Colorado State University researchers have recently concluded a study on driver behavior revealing something that may or may not be surprising to you: drivers who personalize their cars with bumper stickers, custom plates and other such markings are likely to be more aggressive and confrontational out on the road. It's all about marking your territory, say the CSU eggheads. When people use their rear bumper to, say, advertise who they voted for in the last three presidential elections (along with every associated platform issue), or brag about how smart their precious kids are, it's really the adhesive-based equivalent of what that next-door-neighbor's dog does when he lifts his leg on your gardenias.

As a side note, I was driving once with my sister who noted a window sticker that said:
My child is an honor student at...
Which she then interpreted as:  "My child is an effing nerd and will probably never laid."
Her equivalent of pissing back, I suppose.


I have such an issue when people have no scruples about publicly shaming, insulting and anonymously calling other people names via social media.  I suppose that bumper stickers were the precursor to the present day anonymous media that gives anyone a bully pulpit.   I should probably not be surprised that folks seem to have no reservations about sharing their opinions on their vehicles.  Bumper stickers, like all labels, are about declaration, not dialogue.

One writer observed, rather tongue in cheek:

"This topic isn't so important to me that I'm unwilling to sum up my views and air them to strangers in one sentence or less."

Which made me laugh.

Another writer wrote on the use of his bumper sticker:

I want nothing more than to piss off conservatives and this allows me to do so without having to actually, you know, confront anyone face to face.

And I think that comes close to the truth and what I find myself constantly bemoaning in today’s social media age.  I respect anyone’s right to have an opinion.  Even the really ugly opinions.  But at least have the courage to allow dialogue.

I share my politics, religion, position on reproductive rights, opinions on gun control, the death penalty, etc., with friends and family. I might even write an occasional blog post that may generate some controversy. And then conversation ensues. (Often heated around our dinner table). Or people are free to debate it in the comments, which I have never moderated. And each time I learn something about other’s perspectives. I may not agree, I may never agree, but I do become more able to understand why another person has such different view than mine.

But perhaps people are happy to be reduced to labels and stickers. It avoids having to actually do any of the work.  Like another writer observed:

Decorating your car with slogans and images is a lot like decorating your middle school locker. It’s not a reflection of who you are as much as it is a reflection of who you wish you were.

Which reminded me of another sticker I saw -

I am a Christian. My bumper sticker says so.

Unfortunately, just saying it, does not make it so.



* I would really love to know if bumper stickers are a regional thing. If you are so inclined would you drop me a note about the use of bumper stickers where you live?  Do you have any, and why?

Full of Grace

1.  Finally feeling well enough for a romantic vacation to New Orleans - our first vacation without kids in 21 years.   Oh yeah.  THAT kind of romantic.

2. Beignets and cafe au lait.  Every day.  And bread pudding and pralines and sweet potato casseroles and barbeque shrimp and wow, I need to lose a few pounds.  With a special thanks to Grandmere Mimi for her exceptional local advice and restaurant recommendations.

3.  Walt Disney, Frederick Law Olmsed and John Muir whose visionary ideas for development, landscape design and open space preservation formed the foundations of my planning education and made me fall in love with my career.

4.  Today is free Ben & Jerry's ice cream cone day!  Oh yes, I will be there.

5.  My first attempts at growing plants from seed in my basement.   Watching each plant spring gently from the soil made me absolutely giddy.    Another couple of weeks and I should be able to transplant outside.   I've already told Martha that I'm going to need MUCH more space next year.

Coming Home

I began this blog talking about the hypocrisy I experienced at a "welcoming" church.  It then enabled me to come out as a rape and violence survivor, process the hell of slogging through PTSD therapy, and share my breast cancer journey. I've received tremendous support through it all.

 

Then I allowed some people to take away my sense of safety in telling those stories and I ran away from this site.

 

But I am coming home. Here.

 

Here I want to finish those stories because they are mine.  And they are many others too. 

 

 

I am not afraid.  And I am feeling triumphant.

 

I just enjoyed a wonderful vacation with Martha to the very gay friendly New Orleans where I had an extraordinary epiphany, the details of which will be the subject of many of my next posts.

 

I am currently winding my way home - on a quick "bucket list" trip to North Carolina to visit the Olmstead designed landscape at Biltmore,  the last of his major works that I have not seen.  

 

And then I will be coming home.  Home to family.   Home to friends.   And home to this space. . .  

 

 

. . . full of grace and full of happy.

 

I hope that you will join me.

Moving

Anybody currently reading who would like to make the jump with me  (and I hope you do)  please email me at 8thdayplanner at gmail dot com and I will send you the new blog address.

Full of Grace

1.  Having the privilege of delivering a eulogy at my mother's memorial service.

2.  Having friends who travelled 8 - 12 hours in a car, and one who flew half way across the country to be there to support me.  (couldn't have done it without you)

3.  Having the honor of listening to so many others talk about the good my mom has done and the impact  she had on their lives.

4.  Enjoying pictures others brought of my mom in her youth.  In almost every one she is laughing.  Hysterically laughing.   And that is how I want to remember her.

5.  Feeling such pride to be my mother's daughter.


I have not been able to write in this space for quite awhile.   I have had significant health issues and have felt safer retreating  into my shell. 

I am, as always, working on it. 

Full of Grace

1.  Pressing my nose against my bedroom window, watching a bird build it's nest in the bush just outside.

2.  Having a cat on each side of me watching the same thing.

3.  My mother's Swedish lucky horse.  Now mine.

4.  A lazy, do nothing weekend.

5.  Friends who make me laugh, even on my dark days.