Season of Wonder

Random things I have been wondering about:

I wonder where I can get Cate Blanchette’s wardrobe from Tár.   Please Santa ?

My daughter is a social worker in a middle school  She recently had to meet with a boy who was showing porn to the girls on the bus.  Specifically, a woman having sex with a squid.  And no, I am not wondering about having sex with a squid.  But I do wonder how hard life must be today for young girls and the pressure they must feel in such an accessible perverted world.

I have two infant grandsons.  I have noticed that when someone suspects a dirty diaper, the first thing they do is to sniff the baby’s butt.  I wonder at what age that crosses into an arrestable offense : )

A few years ago, Martha and I decided that getting a real Christmas tree was getting too much for us to handle.  So how did we end up with this artificial tree that takes all our strength to get down from the attic and is so tall that we need to get up on a ladder to install and decorate it?

And I wonder this too:

Full of Grace

Back when I was in therapy for PTSD, my therapist suggested that I start a gratitude practice.  I would often post Full of Grace posts here, trying to include at least 5 things I was particularly grateful for.  It is a practice I still continue, although more privately these days.  But today I want to write about over 50+ things I am grateful for.

Last week I attended the funeral for my son-in-law’s uncle.  He had been a heart transplant recipient 20 years ago and spent all of those years encouraging and supporting other transplant patients.  I only met him a few times, but each meeting was like an encounter with joy.  He was a grateful, compassionate soul.

At the funeral home, next to the casket, there was a large display dedicated to the young man who had been his heart donor, along with information about becoming a donor.  I sat next to a woman who then told me she was the donor’s mother.  She had flown in from Michigan to attend the funeral, as she continues relationships with every recipient of her son’s organs.  Personally, I can’t imagine experiencing the death of a child, over and over but she seemed to have more pride than sorrow.  She also told me that between his organs and his tissues, he had given over 50 people the gift of life.  

Over 50 people given the opportunity to live longer or better lives, to love and share with their friends and families.  

Amazing. 

Today I am so very grateful for organ donors who give the gift of life, recipients who share their gift to help others, and particularly mothers who embrace and endure this bittersweet miracle. 

What Happened to Summer?

 Holy Moly, what happened to summer?

We spent most of July finishing our camp kitchen renovation.  It was a project that was supposed to be done in April but a huge snowstorm, babysitting emergencies and a few construction mistakes (putting a screw through a water line while hanging a cabinet, oops)  delayed the completion.  Hoisting cabinets and installing new lighting, painting and trim work.  Not a day went by when we didn’t say “we’re getting too old for this”

We did manage to gather the whole family for a short beach vacation at the end of July where I got to stroll along the ocean at daybreak and eat seafood every night 

Just as we thought we could relax and enjoy August, our Florida daughter had a number of commitments in Boston and we had her infant son for 2 weeks of wrestling an incredibly strong, mobile baby into diapers and clothes, more food on the floor than in the mouth, and constant anxiety because of a not-fully-child-proofed house.  Exhaustion ensued. 

Then we were all in wedding mode.  My oldest daughter finally got to have her wedding reception - on her 2nd anniversary.  The reception, twice canceled because of Covid and once because of pregnancy, finally happened.  Of course, not before a handful of crises - photographer canceled 2 days before, the display showing table assignments smashed, 3 people canceling due to Covid,  2 people canceling due to family deaths, a person doing a reading threw her back out the morning of and canceled, and, of course, it poured rain all day.   Meanwhile we were juggling two babies, airport pickups and rides for out-of-towners, final dress alterations, and pet sitting.   All this while first hosting a birthday party for 30 people in our backyard for my first grandson celebrating his 1st birthday and stressing over a surgery (successful) for my younger grandson.

Phew.

Labor Day is over, the youngest daughter is back in Florida, the older daughter is back to work and her son is starting daycare, and I can finally relax and think about winterizing my gardens, closing the summer camp, and doing things in my own sweet, lazy time. 

Nope.

My youngest daughter just called to say her husband got a promotion and they will be moving back to the northeast.  They have to pack up and sell their house, buy a new house, find a job for her, find childcare, etc.  - all within the next three months.  

We are thrilled that she will again be within a reasonable drive instead of a flight away.  But my dreams of a quiet autumn are quashed.   Martha has already flown to Florida to help clean before they show their house.  I will be dog and baby sitting while the daughter is interviewing and house shopping.   Then spending much time in Boston to help unpack and babysit until childcare can be found. 

I keep reminding myself that this is all good stuff.  Everyone is healthy and happy and moving towards their dreams.  Still, I wouldn’t mind a week where I could put my feet up, sip my tea, nibble on a cider donut and enjoy the quiet of a fading summer.

.

Full of Grace

 As the world seems to be spinning out of control and hate seems to be the norm, I continue to work at being grateful for all the light in my life and also to recognize how many kind people there are.

1. A visit from my Florida daughter which allowed me to take both my infant grandsons on their first carousel rides.  The day will come when they, like my daughters, will want to do the thrill rides and I will happily stay on the ground to hold the hats.  But for this brief window of their childhood, I got to share the simple joy of a carousel with them.

2. The family of a friend of my daughter suffered a house fire - people and dog all safe but a total loss of everything else.   I made 3 phone calls to some old work contacts and within 6 hours the family had a furnished apartment, a loaner car and enough gift cards to replace a lot of basic necessities.  A refreshing reminder that most people are extremely generous and give without hesitation or expectation of reward.

3. A visit from my sister allowed for days of kayaking and long walks and nights of shared laughs and tears.  And way too much junk food.

4. A lake neighbor who offered to remove some dead trees from our property.  No charge.  And when he noticed that we had a garage full of construction debris from our kitchen reno, came with his industrial trailer to take it all to the landfill.  Again, no charge.  This person’s wife was once a state senator who worked vehemently to deny gay marriage in our state.  Now we are neighbors. And once again, I was reminded that it usually only takes getting to know someone to overcome one’s fears and phobias.

The world is filled with nice people.

If you can’t find one, be one.

Emotional Triage

 Years ago I recognized that trauma was stealing my life.   I made a decision to start the hard work of therapy and reclaim what was mine to begin with - my body, my voice, my right to safely exist.  It has not been a straight path to healing, and I have often fallen off the path.  Still, my therapist and the wonderful folks I met while writing about it on this blog, gave me a ton of support and useful strategies to cope - practicing gratitude, anxiety reducing exercises, writing out my feelings, calming rituals, etc.   Through these I have managed to pretty much keep my life on an even keel.

But recently,  the unceasing barrage of horrifying news has me spiraling and struggling to put out trauma fires almost daily.  

Rape stories coming out of the Ukraine.  I really try not to read much but these stories are hard to avoid and the horror begins to affect my nervous system.

Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Plant the flowers I started from seed in the basement.

News of the expected overturning of Roe vs Wade - especially with no rape or incest exemption.

Daphne ended her life after finding out she was pregnant.  I didn’t know this until much later.  I always assumed that she just couldn’t deal with the physical and mental damage done to her.  Now when I hear about the repulsive and vile “no exemptions” clauses some states want to include, it has me awash in sadness and trembling in dark memories.  

I went to my grandson’s baptism where our whole family gathered and celebrated a loved and wanted baby.  It felt healing to be wrapped in so much love

The racist attack in Buffalo. 

Anger.  I feel nothing but anger.

And then one thing that made me feel some hope.  There was a huge campaign for “parental rights” school board candidates who wanted the ‘diversity’ curriculum banned from our schools.  They were funded by a very wealthy local businessman with road signs on every corner and campaign mailings almost every day.  Voter turnout was a record high and those candidates were overwhelmingly defeated.  Sometimes hate doesn’t win.

Uvalde, Texas

I am haunted.  I am trying to avoid too much exposure to this slaughter but hearing how long those children were trapped.  Hunted.  Prey.  All that talk about gun control, the shooter, the police.  But I can only put myself in the place of those children.  I can feel their fear and I am trembling.  It has overpowered all my efforts at calm and started another round in the  apparently endless struggle.  Reliving all those feelings.  Helplessness in the face of power and violence.  So much violence.

And so I am trying to get a foothold, to get back on track dealing with the reverberations of trauma. Write out my feelings.  Practice gratitude.  Don’t let go of hope.  Long practiced efforts.  I know how to do this.  

Thank you for being here.

 

How To Help

I am having difficulty processing the devastating impact 6 robed people can have on the majority of citizens. And I'm struggling to hold together my own painful emotions around rape and the impact of unwanted pregnancies.  I hope to write more about that in the future.

In the meantime I am reposting some important information on how to help women, if you are able.

 

This list is extensive but not exhaustive. Donating to organizations that help provide transportation will aid people who are currently living in poverty unable to afford childcare and transportation to other states. 

 

The ACLU provides legal services to fight things at the highest level. I have no doubt they will challenge this.

Donate here: https://action.aclu.org/give/now

 

Planned Parenthood helps with reproductive care including contraception, STD checks and treatment, and cancer screenings.

Donate here: https://www.plannedparenthood.org/get.../other-ways-give

 

Midwest Access does travel, accommodations, food, childcare, medicine, and emotional support for people traveling to, from, and within the Midwest.

Donate here: https://midwestaccesscoalition.org/pages/donate

 

Fund Texas Choice helps with a way to get to the clinic and/or a place to stay,

seeks to make it easier for Texans to access the reproductive care they need.

Donate here: https://fundtexaschoice.org/donate/

 

Baltimore Fund helps with Practical Support and does rides to clinics, travel coordination for people traveling out of state, meals, childcare, translation, whatever people from Maryland need.

Donate here: https://www.baltimoreabortionfund.org/donate

 

Brigid Alliance covers costs for people traveling later in pregnancy, with consideration of distance and local transportation, accommodations, meals, child care, and other associated travel costs like gas, tolls, parking, mobile phones, and more.

Donate here: https://brigidalliance.org/donation

 

Chicago Abortion Fund provides financial, logistical, and emotional support to people seeking abortion care that live in or are coming to Illinois for care and surrounding Midwestern states.

Donate here: https://chicagoabortionfund.salsalabs.org/make.../index.html

 

ARC Southeast helps Southerners in AL, FL, GA, MS, SC, and TN for procedure funding as well as rides, lodging, and escorting.

Donate here: https://arc-southeast.org/donate/

 

Kentucky Healthy Justice Network provides procedure funding, travel support, and interpretation services for Kentucky clients seeking care, no matter where they have to travel.

Donate here: https://kentuckyhealthjusticenetwork.org/donate.html

 

Access Reproductive Justice provides information, abortion funding, and practical support on all aspects of reproductive health in California including direct services.

Donate here: https://give.accessrj.org/give/312683/#!/donation/checkout

 

JEN South Dakota helps South Dakota abortion patients access transportation, childcare, lodging, interpreters, birth control, and other practical support.

Donate here: https://www.jensd.org/donate

 

Clinic Access Support provides transportation, meal stipends, accommodations, childcare assistance, and compassionate care to people seeking abortion services from Houston.

Donate here: https://www.clinicaccess.org/donate

 

New Mexico Religious Coalition for Reproductive Rights If you are having your abortion in New Mexico and you need help with lodging, transportation, or meals.

Donate here: https://nmrcrc.org/donate

 

La Fontera Fund provides financial support and assists local Rio Grande Valley residents who need to travel to clinics across Texas and beyond for the reproductive care they require.

Donate here: https://fronterafundrgv.org/donate/

 

Colorado Doula Project provides free logistical and emotional support for people accessing abortion in Colorado.

Donate here:https://www.coloradodoulaproject.org/donate

 

NWAA Fund has transportation & other logistic funds for folks in the Northwest serving Washington, Oregon, Idaho, and Alaska.

Donate here: https://nwaafund.org/donate

 

You can find the original list for places to donate on Twitter. Here’s the link:

https://twitter.com/alidreith/status/1521489352370573315...

Exhausted

I am back from an exhausting 5 days in Florida.  I traveled with my oldest, extremely disorganized daughter and her 7 week old son.  Just getting through airport security - carry ons, baby, diaper bag, breast pumps, breast milk, etc. - was a keystone cop comedy in itself.  

My youngest daughter had to return to work after her maternity leave and we were there to help out before her 5 month old son would start daycare the following week.  Two adults, two babies.  Not a good ratio.

The first night my oldest daughter developed mastitis with a high fever and a lot of pain.  She could barely move, much less nurse or otherwise take care of her babe.  So I spent the night bottle feeding babies, changing diapers, helping my daughter with hand pump and hot packs.  

Once she got antibiotics she recovered quickly but still needed to constantly hand pump, leaving limited extra hands for child care.  Now it was just me with two babies on totally different sleep schedules.  I love my daughters.  I love my grandsons.  But I am getting too old for this.  

The return flight couldn’t come fast enough for me.  Literally, as we just squeaked in before a major northeast storm.  Home sweet home.

I am still recuperating from the chaos and enjoying my dull routines, like drinking a cup of coffee while it is still hot, taking a shower, not being up at 2 am, and not having to constantly wipe baby drool off my shoulder.  Simple pleasures.

I am also back to tend my seedlings.  Petunias have extremely tiny seeds and it is difficult to tell how many are planted in each tray.  So I have returned to this -

I have to start weeding out the extra seedlings, down to only one.  It is like Sophia’s Choice to me as I mourn each and every little sprout that must go. 

A mother’s, grandmother’s, gardener’s life is exhausting but in the end, very rewarding.

January

 It has been cold and blustery here.  Snow, ice, below freezing temperatures.  January in the northeast.

I like to spend this time of year perusing seed catalogs.  The variety of flowers and vegetables is overwhelming, and I have long given up on trying too many new things.  Now I stick to a few standard veggies - tomatoes, green beans, a couple of peppers and zucchini and herbs - basil, rosemary, sage and some catnip for the fur babies.  I generally save my favorite tomato seeds from year to year but will buy a new seed variety now and then.  But I like to look at the catalogs.  It helps brighten up these dark cold days. Oh the possibilities. 

I also harvest flower seeds every year for replanting my 25 deck flower boxes.  I have just begun 4 flats of petunias.

There is something very calming and hopeful about playing in dirt in January and anticipating those first baby green shoots springing from the soil.  All the worries of today falls away when a seed sprouts and reminds me that hope springs eternal.

It’s January.  The days are cold but the light is already getting longer.  And I am thinking about  gardens.  

My grandma used to plant

tomato seedlings in tin cans

from tomato sauce & puree &

crushed tomatoes she got from

the Italian restaurant by her

house, but she always soaked

the labels off first. I don't want

them to be anxious about the

future, she said. It's not healthy.

 

• Brian Andreas

Covid Blues

My niece finally got to have her wedding (canceled from last year) on New Year’s Eve.  The rescheduling was bittersweet as her father died this past summer and everything felt more somber than a wedding should feel.  Nonetheless, my sister was adamant that there be a celebration and a stunningly beautiful reception was planned at a venue overlooking the skyline of Manhattan.  

But as the time approached, so did the growing numbers of Covid infections.  Two weeks before the wedding 10 people had already canceled, including my one daughter and my sister was getting more and more depressed.   One week before the wedding the bride’s niece came down with Covid, and then the groom’s elderly parents called to say they could not risk the flight from the Midwest.  There were a lot of tears.

I hermetically sealed myself off from people knowing that there was no way I couldn’t be there for my niece and sister.  I didn’t go grocery shopping, I canceled a blood donation and dentist appointment, and I forewent all my regular gyms visits.  I lived in my little bubble.

Sixty people eventually braved the NYC covid cesspool to attend and the event was beautiful.  There was much drinking and dancing and love.  And now, 2 weeks after the party, no one has reported getting Covid from what was a potential super spreader event. That seemed like a miracle.

Fast forward two days after the wedding when Martha scheduled a basketball practice only to find out later that half her team had the infection.  Two days later she was coughing and sniffling.  And although we tried to isolate ourselves from each other, we live in a small house, I too got it. 

Martha’s symptoms completely resolved in five days.  I am now on day 8 and still not feeling up to par.  It all started mild enough - coughing, runny nose, scratchy throat - but then I started having night sweats that literally drenched my t-shirt and bedding.   I am still congested and fatigued.  Taking the dog for a short walk leaves me breathless.  Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself.

It’s been almost 2 years of mask wearing, hand washing, and social distancing and I haven’t been sick once in all that time.  I suppose I had taken all that health for granted.  I have now become a whiny child complaining about having to blow my nose and being taken down by the cooties of a bunch of junior high gym rats.  

 

Geez, I have really become pathetic. 

Still, I am hopeful that I am coming to the end of it.  I want to have a negative test to feel I can safely be with my 4 week old grandson but will wait a few more days before taking one.  And I am supposed to be flying to Florida in 10 days to visit my other grandson.   Fingers crossed.