Tuesday, September 25, 2018
All the Lonely People
A good friends of ours, who is also a colleague of Martha’s, was recently diagnosed with a very aggressive form of breast cancer. Her treatment plan includes at least 9 months of chemo, radiation and then, if those are successful, a double mastectomy. She is a single mother with an 8 year old son. As soon as she allowed her diagnosis to be public, people started volunteering. A schedule was almost instantly filled with dinners to be delivered, rides to chemo and play dates for her son. All the kids at the elementary school made her get well cards. The village stepped up in a big way.
Last week a young woman (Sarah) I have known since she was 3, and was most recently a colleague, got the news that her 21 year old son was killed in a motorcycle crash. She had had this baby boy when she was only 15 and gave up a lot to be able to raise him. I went to the wake with my dear friend Anna who 28 years ago suffered a similar loss when her 5 year old daughter and 4 year old nephew were killed by a drunk drive. We got to the funeral home early and already the line was out the door and around the building. The show of support was tremendous. Once we reached the receiving line Anna hugged Sarah and whispered something in her ear. I have no idea what she said but I am sure it was something that will help Sarah as she navigates through this tragedy,
So while it was an extremely sad and emotional week for me and my community, what happened next hit me even deeper.
Margaret, the elderly woman I am now grocery shopping for, told me that her daughter has abandoned her. She has had no contact with her for over 3 years. She had signed her house and her father’s house over to the daughter and once that was done the daughter just wrote her off. She told me that she has spent all of those Christmases, Thanksgivings and Mother’s Days alone - with her daughter and granddaughter living right across the street!
I have no idea why the break happened but I just can’t imagine being that alone. She sits in her house in a deep state of depression. I emailed my organization’s volunteer coordinator with my concern and this was part of her reply:
“It is a sad situation and hate to say we are seeing more and more of people alone with no one they feel they can ask for help.”
I had been quite melancholy about my friends who have very long roads to healing, but this broke my heart even more to think of all these elderly people sitting in their homes, alone.
Much like everything else in our society today, there seems to be an ever widening gap between the haves and the have nots while we overflow with resources. I know people have so much to give and in these days of uncivil and mean divisiveness, community acts of kindness and love stand out even more and give me hope. But we need to figure out a way to funnel some of this generosity to the people who are in so much need of it.
I don’t have the answers but in reading about loneliness I read that what lonely people miss most is intimacy. Yesterday I visited Margaret and gave her a hug. She cried. It’s a small drop in the ocean of her loneliness but it is a start.
All the lonely people, where do they all belong? They belong to all of us.
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Your small drop in the ocean is not small at all.
ReplyDeleteIt kills me that families sever their ties to one another. I know full well there are
often Reasons so the circumstances matter too. But the loneliness you’re describing is heartbreaking. I saw it in my Mother’s nursing home: frail and vibrant people alone, longing to go home again.
Of course you’ve hit on the answer: kindness, care, support. We have a government who will not invest in community services so truly it’s up to each of us. One visit, one grocery bag, one kindness at a time. I have not one doubt that’s who you are and always will be.
Love
kj
Thank you for your kind words. The organization I work with is all volunteers and grants because, yes, our government is so sort sighted and dollar focused. I shutter about what that says about us as a nation.
DeleteWhat a good friend and neighbor you are, 8. I have a feeling that you will be inviting the woman to your house for Thanksgiving. She might be better off selling her house and moving into a retirement community. At least then she would have more options for human interaction.
ReplyDeleteI realize that your post is more global than specific. I don't know that there are any answers, other than as kj says 'kindness, care and support'. We think that these actions and emotions are waning in our society but we have the power to bring them to our lives and the lives of those around us.
I wish I could tell that woman's daughter just how badly I miss my mother and what I would give to have her back...
I wish she could sell her house but she no longer owns it and now only has life use. I do wonder though about the mission of our organization - to help keep people in their homes - is necessarily a good one. I think she might enjoy the company in an assisted or independent living facility.
ReplyDeleteI really believe their is an abundance of kindness and generosity out there but we seem to be missing the way to link that with people in need. The answer seems like it should be simple and yet it is elusive.
I miss my mom too. {{{hugs}}}
Wonderful post. They do belong to us. And eventually, they might be us.
ReplyDeleteAll of Margaret's friends have passed which is something we all could face. Scary but true.
DeleteIt always amazes me how much suffering there is in the world. I think loneliness is a huge contributor to depression. I'm thankful there are people like you in the world who help to make the world a better place.
ReplyDeleteI have no doubt that loneliness can lead to depression and a host of other mental and physical ills.
ReplyDeleteI think there are a lot of people who would love to help make the world a better place but often don't know how to go about it. That is the missing link that so frustrates me.
I too am glad kind souls like yourself spread kindness wherever you may. My thoughts are with you all, with us all.
ReplyDeleteI had a patient who was married and had grown kids, but when sIe'd hug me at the end of each session, she told me that that was the only physical contact she had in her life. When she was diagnosed with a metastatic cancer, I met with the family and talked with them about how much she needed them. Later, she was placed on comfort care in the hospital and I went to visit (not my usual action). I held her hand and she managed a smile. When I left, I kissed her cheek to say goodbye. I later got a message from her husband telling me how much the visit had meant. That was a long-winded way of saying I think those little things we can do mean everything.
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