“What will I become,
when I no longer carry
the weight of all this?”
- Tyler Knott Gregson
Anniversaries can be hard and September 28th is a particularly difficult one for me. Memories bubble up and must be acknowledged. Some memories are voluntary while others are intrusive and come whether I like it or not.
I still tremble when I think about what happened to me. To Daphne. After the attack I lost myself. I locked myself away for months and wouldn’t come out. I was scared of space. Scared of things being in the open. Scared of having to talk to people. Scared of being stared at.
With help I have worked on my own healing and recovery for over 20 years and have come a long way. But I still struggle through anniversaries when I need to focus more on the never-ending work of healing from trauma.
Rape shaped me and my sense of who I am.
And who I am not.
When I was raped, I lost a lot of things: my choice, my esteem and my voice.
Through this blog I have made connections with other rape survivors. Once I was asked to come and speak to one woman’s professional group. I couldn’t do it. I went to the presentation and started to listen to others’ stories but I couldn’t even stay in the room.
I am not as brave as others.
I have such admiration for those women who can tell their stories and are changing the way the world sees and reacts to rape. Those brave women who go to court and talk about what happened to them and show their scars, even in the face of withering victim blaming. I want to be a witness with them but I am unable to do it.
I am ashamed and embarrassed that I can’t.
If I talk about the ways I’m affected— how I still wake to night terrors and how groups of men scare me—people will say I am so sorry, and then I’ll be the thing that happened to me instead of being me. But there are lots of other things that define me as well. Although I still grieve for who I was, I am someone else now.
I have learned to be okay with that.
The greatest act of love I have ever given myself was the willingness to do what I needed to do to heal. Although it still feels like work, I now also see it is as one of the biggest blessings I have been given. I have found myself again.
I hope to someday find my voice.
Today I woke to the horrendous news out of Las Vegas. And once again I sympathize with all those who will forever be changed by trauma. I know the long road they have ahead of them and I hope that all those who need to heal choose to do this work.
I do sympathise and hope that the memories eventually soften a little for you. You have worked so hard and for so long: society seems to think that rape is over as soon as it's over, but how wrong this is. It takes great bravery to do the work necessary to heal and I salute you, warrior woman:)
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words.
DeleteI have been very fortunate in my life. I can't imagine being raped and then having to go on with life, to have something so intimate and wonderful, turned into something painful and horrendous. Anniversaries always do it for me too. For me it is Katie's birthday. It's better now though. Time does smooth off the edges of grief.
ReplyDeleteI think you have found your voice. You write here. You kept going. You lived your life. You didn't let them destroy you or your capacity for love. You're stronger than you know.
And I would say the same about you and the obstacles you have overcome and those you continue to work through.
DeleteIt is incredibly hard to talk about rape after surviving rape. Hard for many reasons. The attention, the judgment, the residual anger, the fear, the blame, the pain, the scars... It's a struggle for all of us, 8, you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteLook at your progress. Look how you have succeeded at living a good life. Yes, everything changed that day, that terrible terrible day. Yes, you were broken. But you are not broken now. You are mended. You are stronger than you ever could have been without this horrible trauma. Is it still hard? Of course it is. But you are strong. I'm sending you the best hug that I have.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
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Thanks for the hug and mostly for your incredible support through some of my hardest battles.
DeleteAnniversaries are sometimes hard for sure - it is another trigger to remind you of an event - good or bad. Don't be hard on yourself for what you can't do, be proud of all you can... Finding yourself is such a great blessing - and you may not be able to stand up in a court room, or other room and talk about it - but you were able to write about it and talk about it to those you trust. Each is beneficial in its own way.
ReplyDeleteYou are right, of course. Still, I am so very thankful for those who find the strength and courage to speak up. This #metoo campaign has me in total awe.
DeleteAs open as you have been here in this space it is hard for me to imagine you anything but brave. And full of voice.
ReplyDeleteYOu have done the work, forged a path, and continue to heal.
Bravo to you, warrior woman.
I get by with a little (a lot) of help from my friends. But still working on that voice.
DeleteYour work in healing yourself has also healed others. I speak from personal experience - your words helped me in some of my darkest days, when I wasn't sure I could go on for even another minute. Just knowing you were out there, surviving, living, loving, raising a beautiful family with a partner who loved you including the trauma, was enough of a reminder that I could do that and have that too.
ReplyDeleteI know you don't like the word brave,that you, in fact, prefer the word strong, but I would venture to say they both apply to you.
I've also learned from my own therapy that doing what you need to do to take care of yourself is the best and most important thing. There is no shame or embarrassment in not being willing to share your story; sometimes our stories are so personal and private they do not belong in the public spaces, we don't OWE them to anyone.
Thank you for being a beacon of light and may the next anniversary find you embodying more of your voice in the exact right way for you, as you see fit.
Thank you for this KR, you have no idea what it means to me, especially coming from you. I have certainly benefited from other women's voices and I hope to continue adding to that support for others, however feeble that attempt.
DeleteHealing together, much love to you my friend.
you were able to write about it and talk about it to those you trust. Each is beneficial in its own way.
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