As I am prone to do, I analyze, and often over analyze, my PTSD reactions and relapses. These are just some random thoughts I am putting to paper to help me sort out how I feel about this last trip down the rabbit hole.
- First, thank you to everyone who commented so kindly on my last posts. It never ceases to amaze me how therapeutic writing can be and to get such wonderful support and feedback is very humbling and very appreciated.
- In response to those posts a friend sent me this:
- But the reality is, life did break me. I was broken for a very long time. And sometimes it’s easier to go back to that place of brokenness than to keep trying to get up. I think this was the case this time. It was easier to withdraw than to do the work.
- I am very aware of how easy it is to just withdraw and isolate myself, even when I know I need to do the opposite to get out the hole. Like going to the gym - it always feels good to go and you know you are doing something good for yourself and maintaining your health, but then something temporarily keeps you from going. And it becomes easier and easier just not to go. And then really hard to get back going.
- When I fall down the hole and don’t bother to do the work, I always feel like a failure. Mostly I feel that I’ve let Lauren (my former therapist) down. She would never let me be that lazy.
- The weird thing about my scars is that the one major scar I had from that assault was removed when I had a mastectomy. It used to be very triggering. Now I miss it.
- For all my work, I know there is a place inside me that is still broken. The screams still inhabit me. They remind me that I am still bruised and vulnerable. And I sometimes feel that I need to visit that place.
- Somehow I need to reconcile my very strong desire to be healed and healthy with my equally strong desire not to forget, which I am often afraid I am doing . . . until something reminds me. Sometimes I wonder if my regressions aren’t self inflicted.
- Even at my emotionally strongest, I continue to have issues with memory and control. But they are a subject for a different post.
There is no neat and tidy way to wrap this train of thought up so I will end by asking a favor. A very dear friend of mine’s partner is having a double mastectomy today. Any prayers, thoughts, healing energy or good mojo you could send up into the universe on her behalf would be greatly appreciated.