Victory

This is me.  The picture was taken maybe 4 or 6 weeks after the assault, in front of a new house my friend rented so I would have a place to live.    She found the picture a few years ago while cleaning out her attic and gave it to me.  At the time, I could barely look at it.  The triggering was instant and hard.   Now, after years of therapy,  I can look at myself and remember and be okay.  This is how I know I am also healing emotionally.

My foot was broken in numerous places when a man slammed his foot down on it to hold me down. I remember the sound it made as it shattered.  And the searing pain.

I had three broken ribs on my left side, a damaged kidney and a ruptured spleen.

I had been kicked in the jaw that dislodged two teeth.  They had stuffed a shirt in my mouth to muffle my screams and I began to choke and gag on the teeth and blood.   I now clearly remember that frenzied panic of choking to death.  

I continue to wrestle with the rest.  Although I remember it, I still cannot talk about it.

But I'm working on it.


I survived the physical punishment although some the effects remain with me -

My left foot is now filled with arthritis filling in all where all the bones broke.  It is very stiff and bothers me a lot in the morning but is not unmanageable.

To this day I am still protective of my left side.  I still flinch if someone approaches me from the left and I instinctively position myself to protect myself.  I also lost some hearing in my left ear so I tend to tilt my head when someone is speaking to hear from my right.

And I have a wicked gag reflex.  I cannot swallow pills.  The taste of blood in my mouth can send me to a fetal position for days, although I am a much better about that now.  Trips to the dentist are still a little rough.

Still, I consider myself physically healed.  Emotional healing is taking a bit longer.  But just as physically healing did not erase all the permanent effects and scars and need for physical protection,   I now realize that emotional healing will not eliminate all the soul wounds and scars and my need for emotional boundaries.    And I am okay with that.

My therapist often told me that once I was able to talk about it, it would be a sign true healing.  

So today, here I am.  Talking about it.  And that is my victory.

Today I can look at this picture, calmly and with love.  And that is my victory.

Today I can share love and joy and intimacy.

Today I can climb mountains - both emotionally and physically.   And that is my victory.

They win some battles but they will not win the war.