Therapy #3 - Making My World Smaller

Therapy took a different turn. I thought we were going to discuss triggers and where they come from since I have so many triggers that I can’t match to any memory. But instead we talked about how I manage the response to those triggers and we tried to rank them from easy to hard to manage. For example, I developed claustrophobia, which is not a triggered response but was a direct psychological outcome, I suppose, of being held down for so long. There was a time I could no longer get on an airplane but my therapist said to me, “don’t let this make your world smaller”. Now I take Valium to fly. And over the years I have learned to manage the anxiety by always getting aisles seats, and always sitting by the door in meetings, sitting on the outside when in a booth, taking the stairs, etc. And I won’t even mention the changes I (and my partner) had to make to accommodate sex without me freaking out. All these behaviors have become so much a part of my life that I don’t really notice them anymore. But, as my therapist keeps pointing out, they still take a lot of energy on my part, even though they have become habit, and make my world smaller.

And so we went through some of the other triggers and how much, or little, work it takes to avoid them. Alcohol on someone’s breath - huge emotional trigger for me. But Martha and I don’t drink and neither do most of our close friends, so it doesn’t take much energy to avoid. Well except that many of my co-workers go out for a drink after work on Fridays. And as my shrink pointed out, they used to always invite me but I have always declined for fear of going to a bar. So what I originally thought had next to no impact, has again really made my world smaller - and less social. And now I realize that there are numerous invites I turn down because of this. Not good.

The smell of a laundromat is probably one of the most traumatic triggers - causing very frightening flashbacks and terror. But I don’t even know what that’s associated with. I’m sure my brain is doing me a big favor by protecting me from those memories. But it is really easy to avoid the trigger. We have laundry facilities at home, which strangely are no problem. And its rare that we are on vacation long enough that we need a laundromat, but then Martha volunteers to do it The only time I encounter a laundromat is every other Friday when I go to the bank, and only then if I walk from the bank to the grocery store in this plaza. I make a large arc through the parking lot. I barely recognize that I’m doing it. Very easy to manage and doesn’t really impact my life. But once again, the shrink pointed out to what length I am going to avoid a smell. Crap.

So while I have been congratulating myself on how well I have learned to manage these things (some better than others), I am now realizing just how much control they have over me, how very much they have made my world smaller. So the next goal is to reclaim some of my world, inch by inch. But I do fear that after so many years of learning to avoid these triggers, they are ingrained behaviors and it will be very difficult to see Paris. So much baggage. I'm exhausted before I've even begun.