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We took our annual family  trip this year to a seaside town in Maine.  I say it was a trip, rather than a vacation, because we shared a house with 4 children.  Two 2+ year boys affectionately known as Category 5 and the Tornado.  A one year old girl who crawls faster than I can walk and got into everything in our non-child proofed rental, and one 6 week old girl who was velcroed to her mom, constantly cluster feeding.  Chaos. 

We chose Maine as it is driveable for all of us and we needed every available inch of car space for car seats, strollers, beach wagons, blow-up toddler beds, bassinets, a high chair and boxes of diapers, wipes, snacks and other assorted baby and beach paraphernalia.  That we willingly put ourselves through this is a testament to the human spirit.

Still, we managed to do some fun things - an antique trolley car ride and a seaside open air train ride.  Lots of quaint shops that always sold salt water taffy and fudge.  Picturesque lighthouses and amazing oceanside seafood.  And hours and hours of late afternoon hours at the beach.  

Maine water is a little chilly for me to do more than splash my feet but to see Category 5 and the Tornado form the perfect storm - throwing themselves into the water, building and smashing sand castles with such exuberance while my 1 year old granddaughter simply crawled in the sand, laughing every time a wave came and knocked her over - it all just filled me with such joy and nostalgia for my beach bum childhood. 

We ended our trip with a few more pounds around our waists, even more pounds of sand in everything we owned, and some great memories.  Then after the chaos of trying to shove all the gear back into the cars, babies into car seats, and get back on the road, I got a text “where shall we go next year?”  I’m going to need a few days to recuperate before I even think about that.

Thoughts During a Catholic Funeral

I recently attended the funeral service of a woman Martha was very close to.  I am never very comfortable with these events but the woman was elderly and had been ill for some time, so not a surprise but still much sadness.  I went to support Martha.  The service took place in a Catholic church and I think I may have been the only non-Catholic person there.  I surmise this because everyone else knew the routines - sign of the cross, genuflect, how to receive communion, etc.

I sat there, clueless, holding Martha’s hand and quietly taking in the sights and sounds.  Pretty hymns, headache producing incense, and Jesus’ dead body hanging on a cross - which sent me down the rabbit hole.

I am heartbroken for folks today whose worst moments are caught publicly and then repeatedly shown to the world on social media.  How often I read about some woman’s rape that was live streamed and can’t imagine how absolutely soul destroying that must be.  I literally tremble just thinking about it. How grateful I am that phones were not an option on the worst day of my life.  

My daughter is a Middle School social worker and deals with similar issues daily.  The kid whose bullying is filmed so others can laugh, the girl that sends nude pictures to her boyfriend only to find they are being passed around the school, the kid who suffers some embarrassment now immortalized on social media.  The psychological impact must be devastating.  It’s no wonder that kids who experience this repeated victimization have such high rates of depression and suicide.  And I wonder about the emotional deadening impact to the folks who view these atrocious videos.  

I sat in a Catholic church, looking at a near naked man, on what had to be the worst day of his life.  Stripped, beaten and nailed to a cross.  A man’s murdered body put on display.  I am told this is to remind Catholics that Jesus suffered and died for them.  But it just made me very, very sad for anyone whose suffering is made public, open for all to see, which is all too common these days   

The Lovely Month of May

 It’s May, it’s May.  The lovely month of May.  Well, it’s almost over and we have been busy.

First was the pool opening.  Unfortunately, when they took the winter cover off, there was next to no water in it, indicating a leak.   Fine, we were overdue for a new liner so we ordered one - but it was definitely not in the budget for this year.

I finally got all the fencing and layout complete for my newly relocated veggie garden.  The old location was not getting enough sun due to my neighbor’s trees, but I had spent years amending the soil there so I’m not sure how well these plants will do in the mostly sandy soil.

Then my lawn tractor died.  After troubleshooting the easily fixable, I went and bought a new one.  Yet another unbudgeted expense.  Arggghhh.

We had a lovely Mother’s Day brunch with the oldest daughter, and opened an unexpected gift from both girls- tickets for a John Legend concert - and they will be going with us.  Girls' night out - like old times. 

Then the folks came to install the new pool liner and found this gaping hole.  Uh oh.  Another unexpected expense.  To do the repair they had to pump water from the under drain (we have a very high water table) But the drain pipe was buried under my new raised veggie bed, which was mostly destroyed when they built a connection to it.  Some onions might still make it but the beets and carrots are goners.  

Meanwhile our oldest daughter had an out-of-town wedding and we offered to babysit her two kids.  The 2 1/2 year old has the nickname “The Tornado” and his 10 month sister is now crawling and putting everything into her mouth.  We couldn’t blink without something happening that required attention.  Fortunately nothing that required a 911 call, but still, we were exhausted.

And now we are waiting for the call to rush to Boston for the birth of our youngest daughter’s second child.  Our bags are packed and we have cancelled or postponed any obligations.  We plan on going for a week to help with her almost 3 year old, and then our newest grandchild - a baby girl.  

May.  Our weather has been beautiful, our wallets emptied, and our energy depleted.  It’s all good.

Lastly, has anyone ever seen this?  All of a sudden, I have mushrooms growing in my flower boxes.  And not just a few.  Every morning there are at least 8 new shrooms in each box.  I pull them out and they magically reappear the next morning.  Any suggestions?

One step forward, two steps back

This year has not been particularly productive so far.

I had challenged myself to write at least one blog post every month.  Not that I have many interesting things to say, but more to document my personal journey through this strange thing we call life.  But here we are, past mid-March and I already failed.   This is February's entree.  Now I have to play catch-up.

I had gained a few too many pounds over the holidays and so promised myself to lose 1 pound a month.  One!  How hard could that be?  Instead, I gained 2 pounds in January and didn’t lose an ounce in February.   Yep, I wanted to lose 6 pounds, only 8 to go!

Every year I save seeds from my deck flower boxes to save hundreds of dollars for the next year's planting.  Mid-February I went to the basement to start the petunia seeds only to discover that mice had found them first.  

Last year I decided to move my veggie garden to an area that received more sun.  I reinstalled all the chain-link fencing and ran chicken wire along the bottom since critters decimated my garden last year.  Then this February, we had unseasonably warm weather so I decided to go rototill the garden to get a head start on this season’s prep.  But I ran the tiller into the chicken wire, thereby ripping it all off the fence and so badly wrapping it around the tiller tines that it took days (and many bloody knuckles) to get it all unwound. And now I have to reinstall it all.  Yay me!

Yet still excited about the warm weather to get a head start on yard work, I bought a replacement blade for my edger.  Then, installing it, I turned the bolt so hard that I broke the whole shaft. Now I need to buy a whole new edger.  

 

For all the anticipation that 60-degree weather in February brought, I think I’d have been better off hibernating until April. 

2024 Resolution

Last year I made a resolution to pay more attention to my relationship with Martha.  We have now been together for well over 30 years (!) and like most long term relationships, things had gotten into predictable patterns, both good and bad.  So I made a concerted effort to outwardly appreciate all she does to keep our household running and I bit the inside on my cheeks when she loaded the dishwasher in ways a drunk toddler could have done better, or once again left tissues in her pockets that shredded in a million pieces when I did the laundry.  I started each day with a cheerful smile and an encouraging word and ended each night with a show of appreciation and affection.

Did it make a difference?  To our relationship? Honestly, not really.  But it did have a profound effect on me.  Being more patient,  more grateful, and more aware definitely changed my overall demeanor.  Instead of letting little things nag at me, I let them go.  And I went to sleep thankful and content and woke up happy.   It is a practice I hope to continue, not for us, but for me.

Around xmas I began to think of what my 2024 resolution should be.  My daughters and I went to a performance of The Nutcracker by the Boston Ballet at the stunningly beautiful Boston Opera House.  While waiting for the performance to begin, I read the program about the company and cast.  In it, the Executive Director said this”

“The Nutcracker is not just what you see on stage - it’s about cherishing time with those you love”

And I thought “of course”, my resolution should be to extend this practice to everyone. Try to  Be Present.  Be Patient.  Be Quiet. Choose love, always.  To everyone.  For me.

So, that’s it.  Happy 2024*

*And exercise more, eat better and lose a few pounds : )

September Mourn

 September has traditionally been a hard month for me.  But what was once a debilitating time has settled into more of a dull ache, a tender heart, tears closer to the surface.  I have learned to ride the wave of feelings and feel what needs to be felt.  Fortunately with all the healing practices I have learned, I no longer get stuck in my head for long.

But this September has been a challenge.  First, my little 8 week old granddaughter was admitted to a pediatric hospital not being able to hold down any food.  She was born in the 38th percentile of weight and, in two months, had fallen to 4th.  Then to complicate matters, she contracted Covid and was having difficulty breathing.  Going to the hospital, seeing that tiny girl with an IV and on oxygen was heartbreaking.  Once the oxygen was removed, she was put on a feeding tube.  I’m not sure I’ve ever felt so helpless as when seeing my daughter, holding her baby, while tears spilled down her cheeks. 

Then I got news that a friend had committed suicide.  She and I had adjoining offices for over a decade and I knew her to be one of the friendliest people I knew.  Always smiling, always lifting others up, always volunteering for every cause.  Afterward, a relative said that she had always suffered from depression.  No one knew.  Our entire community was shocked. No one would have even guessed.  It haunts me that someone could carry so much pain. Silently.

Lastly, a dear friend suffered the unimaginable death of her 4 year old daughter and 5 year old nephew, decades ago, to a drunk driver. Last year this friend moved to Arizona and recently called to say that the move is now permanent and she needed to come back to arrange for her daughter’s remains to be moved, to be with her.  She stayed with us a couple of days and I accompanied her to the funeral director to arrange for the transfer.  I sat in stunned silence. I can’t even imagine how a mother does this.

September.  A time when I can easily fall into my own self pity has me profoundly aware of so much pain in the world.  Yet my own therapy path also has me trained to find things to be grateful for, of which there are many.  The baby is slowly improving.  We went to three joy filled weddings.  The light and leaves are changing making for an awesome landscape.

Still, I am struggling, knowing there is so much hidden suffering in the world.   

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Where Have All the Veggies Gone ?

 The trials and tribulations of gardening.

I planted my small vegetable garden, as usual, in early May.  Mostly green beans which I freeze for use all year and tomatoes which we eat as they ripen and also to can pasta sauce and some chili.  I also plant some other veggies  - cukes, eggplant, zucchini and melons. 

This was my garden shortly after planting.  

Then one day, the zucchini disappeared.  The next day,  the eggplant.  And then the cukes and the melons

No trace left.

I

I had also planted sunflowers in between the cherry tomatoes.  Do you see them?  Me neither.  Gone. Eaten right down to the ground.

And then, one evening, I saw it.  The rabbit.  Happily dining at the buffet.  

I have never had this problem before and the garden is surrounded by a chain link fence.  But then I realized what had changed.  My dog died in March.  And although she was too old to catch a rabbit, I’m sure she was able to chase them out of the yard. Or maybe just her smell kept them away.

I have now surrounded the garden with a layer of chicken wire.  I planted a second seeding of beans although, unless we have a very late frost, I doubt there will be time for them to mature.  Fingers crossed.  I still have some green tomatoes ripening, but not enough to put up all the sauce I usually make to get us through the year.   Zucchini, cukes and melons will have to be purchased at a farmer’s market.  

Squirrels usually eat most of the fruit on my apple, plum and peach trees.  Now rabbits have decimated the veggies.  I don’t know how pioneering folk ever survived, nor how today's farmers are navigating the devastating impacts of climate change.  I am now keenly aware of what it takes to be able to provide food.   If I had to depend on my own garden, I would definitely starve.