Full of Grace

1.  That Peachie's best friend came through her surgery with the hope of a long, but successful recovery.

2.  That Peachie, going nuts with worry, went to the ICU shortly after the surgery, said she was C's girlfriend, and was let in.   They thought she was C's girlfriend as in "partner."  And this in a Catholic hospital!   That is still making me laugh.

3.  That we got Martha's boat in the water with a minimum amount of cursing.  And it started up on the first try.   Miracles - they do happen.

4. That this is my Sunday mornings cathedral.

5.  That today, 20 years ago, Peachie was born and has been a joyous and loving light in my life ever since.

Answering questions - My faith journey

I started reading your blog back when you were leaving your church.  I wonder if you have ever considered returning to church and/or where you are on your faith journey.

At the time I was kicked out of my church, I was already detached from most of the “Christian” aspects of church.  I no longer recited the creeds, I no longer believed in Christ as savior, or god incarnate, or the resurrection.   What I loved about church was the sacred space where I found it so easy to connect with that loving energy I perceive to be “god.”    Someone once explained their sense of sacred in a church as being able to feel all those prayers that had soaked into the walls and woodwork.   I feel that.

And going to church was a good spiritual discipline -  having a weekly routine to exercise that connection.   I also enjoyed some of the people there, having easy volunteer opportunities, and hearing the stories about the life of Christ, who I still think was a pretty cool and radical thinker.  And not a bad role model to set the bar for.

I did, for a while, shop around for another church but I realized early in that process that as much as I liked the sacred space of a church, I was never again going to be able to call myself a “Christian” and really didn’t like the institutional aspects of religion.  So I began to figure out how I could still make that spiritual connection without the aid of a place or routine. Or someone else’s prompts.

I have likened this move away from an institutional church, for me,  as similar to moving out of my parents house.  I lived very happily within the walls of my childhood home, protected and sheltered, learned valuable life lessons . . .but always within my parents rules and boundaries.  Once I left and lived on my own, I was exposed to other traditions and vocabularies and cultures and I grew as an individual.   In much the same way, I have moved out of the controlled, confining environment of a church and I am looking for ways to expand my spiritual life.

That is where I am on my journey now.   I know the places where I easily feel that connection - particularly out in the woods, under the stars.  Volunteer work.  Working in my garden.  Laughing with a friend.   I know that the easiest way for me to feel that connection is to become very aware - of my center, and particularly of nature.

What I am striving for is being able to see and feel god (love) in everything and every one.  I am enjoying exploring new traditions and options to take me in that direction - including the very earthy, native American kind of spirituality, and some of the eastern practices.   I will always rely on Judaic traditions for forgiveness.  And I will still use those things I learned in the christian church - particularly gratitude and prayer - that help me keep centered.  

So I guess that's my journey - a blend of different faiths and traditions - but a very strong belief that love is everywhere and is the answer to everything.   I just need to stay connected to it.

Easier said than done.

The Short Answers

Do you get along with your in-laws?

Martha's parents both died when she was very young so I don’t have in-laws.  She does, however, have a niece who she grew up with who is like a sister.  I have a great relationship with her, and her husband, her in-laws, her children, and now I also get to babysit her grandchildren.

Martha tells me that her father was a very bigoted man and would not have accepted our relationship.  But she also believes her mother’s ghost lived in her house, watching over her, until I moved in.  The ghost was then able to leave knowing that Martha was now well taken care of, so I guess I’m okay with her mom.   I think I could have won her father over.

Bonus points:  living with an orphan makes the holidays much easier.

Do you still have a relationship with Daphne’s mother?

As much as I don’t like the woman, I continue to try to leave that door open.  We are now joined together by a scholarship fund we created in Daphne’s memory, so that requires some communication.   I usually invite her to join me for lunch on those anniversaries when I go to visit Daphne’s grave.   Those lunches have been strained.    In the beginning I think we both just wanted information.  Now I think we both tolerate/need each other because we are the only living link each of us has to Daphne.  She still occasionally sends me an email asking about some aspect of Daphne’s life that she missed.   I try to filter out my negative feelings and tell her what she wants to know because I really can’t imagine the hell she must live in.    And in some sick way I have yet to unravel, I welcome her belligerence as a sort of just punishment because I have yet to forgive myself for what happened.

What is your favorite color?

Blue.  Particularly midnight blue.  And I love that cobalt blue of depression glass.

Your three worst and three best things right this moment

Worst, right now -

1. Peachie’s best friend - a girl I’ve known since she was 2 ½ and consider another daughter - is having major, scary surgery today.  And the worst is that she will be in the ICU for 3 days so I can’t even see her.  I am chewing my fingers off.

2.  A person I thought was a friend - turns out she isn't/wasn't much of a friend.  Always a very hard lesson for me.

3.  Today my sister and I start the process to take my brother to court over my mother’s estate.  The ugly is about to get uglier.  But at least an attorney will handle it.

Best, right now -

1.  I am totally savoring this window of improved physical, mental and spiritual health.

2.  I am sipping a cup of English tea while watching and listening to a torrential downpour.    And feeling so blessed to have a home, filled with love, where I always feel safe.

3.  My cats are head butting me for attention, my dog sitting here wagging her tail, Martha and my daughters are still snug in their beds, sleeping the sleep of angels.   My family (and extended family of friends)  - absolutely the best thing in my life.

What is you idea of a perfect dinner.

Dining outdoors, seaside,  with the smell of salt in the air, with someone I care about - good conversation, laughing a lot - white table linens, fresh flowers on the table - water with lemon, caesar salad (dressing on the side), grilled swordfish, grilled asparagus and tomatoes, warm rolls with herb butter.  My companion would order a glass of white wine which I would have a few small sips from.    Dessert is always so hard to narrow down but perhaps a good chocolate mousse or creme brulee.  And then an after dinner stroll where I would order a home made ice cream cone, probably some kind of mocha flavor.    Perfect.


And now on to the questions with long winded answers . . .

Full of Grace

1.  I thought the questions submitted would allow you to get to know me better.  Instead I am finding, in trying to formulate answers, that I am getting to know more about myself.   It may be a while before I can answer all of them - some of them require much thought.   But I am very grateful for this opportunity to explore and learn more about myself.

2.  My new bamboo, silk and wool mattress.

Martha can do whatever she wants with the rest of the house but I am very particular about our bed and bedding.  

3.  That my brother-in-law just successfully came through a very delicate and scary surgery.  

4. That while visiting my BIL in New York City  I also got to see the AIDS in New York: The First Five Years  exhibit.  So powerful.  I do hope this exhibit travels.  Everyone should see it.

5.  And finally this . . .

. . . which gave me a big time smile.

The More Things Change . . .

Thirty years ago a fell in love with a woman whose skin was a different color than mine.  I lost one friendship because of it.  She lost almost all her friends of color.   When we were together people would stare.  Some people cursed at us.   We both endured a lot of homophobic and racial slurs - both behind our backs and to our faces.  Eventually we suffered the most horrific attack, both homophobic and racially motivated.   And in the aftermath, the words that still ring in my ears - "well, what did you expect?"

Well, certainly not that.

At the time we lived in a liberal, progressive state but in a very republican, conservative, Catholic, working class area of that state.  Admittedly there were not a lot of inter-racial couples around.  And certainly no inter-racial, openly gay couples.

Her family had already disowned her because of her sexuality.  My parents, who were both born and raised in a very diverse New York City, were very accepting. (In fact, at the time, my mother was having more issues with my sister marrying a Jewish man.  She had no problem with the Jewish part, but was very upset that her grandchildren would not be baptized.   She eventually got over it.)


It’s hard to imagine that kind of racial intolerance today.  Or maybe it's just where I live now.   In fact, walking around  I think that inter racial couples are the norm.   Thirty years have changed a lot.

Or maybe not.  I was absolutely stunned by the vitriol comments about the Cheerios commercial.   Really?  In this day and age?

And kudos to Cheerios for standing up to it.

I had begun to think that the intolerance was perhaps regional - that the more conservative areas of the country led the backlash.   But, you may not have heard, there has been a wave of horrendous gay bashing in New York City.  New York City?  Where queer folk are everywhere and every nation and religion is well represented?  Where a white, straight, christian person is now the minority?

Or perhaps that is the problem.  The ruling class has become fearful of the tired, poor, huddled masses yearning to breathe free.   And fear can lead to horrible and violent reactions.

So I don't know.  Thirty years ago you would not see a person of color on television - unless, of course, it was in a role of servitude.   Certainly there were no gay folks represented.   Today, we are represented, although still often in negative stereotypical roles.  Marriage equality seems to be spreading.  Certainly more queer folk are comfortable being out.   It has been a long time since I've sat with any kid afraid to tell their parents they are gay, and even longer since I've heard about a parent dis-owning their child, although I'm sure it still happens.  That is all good stuff.  Certainly getting to know people - not their labels - has broken down  a  lot of  walls of fear.

But just as I start patting society on the back for finally moving in the right direction - the Cheerio backlash happens.  Or another trans-gendered person is found beaten to death.  Or yet another gay man murdered.  Or a Muslim woman shamed.  Or another lesbian raped.   And not for anything they've done but only because of the label someone has placed on them.   Then I really begin to wonder . . .

Things have changed.

But, for some people, they have also stayed the same.

What did they expect?

Q & A

On one hand, I use this blog to get things out of my head.  I have a few blog posts formulating - a few things I want/need to put on paper - for my own processing work.

On the other hand,  I am still thinking about the psychic who told me I should be a teacher.  And I am wondering if I am even talking about the things that my small group of loyal readers might want to know or discuss.

So, taking a page from Maria at Just Eat Your Cupcake, I am asking if there is something you, dear readers, want me to write about?   Do you have any questions you want answered, or topics you would like to discuss?  If so,  just put something in the comments or send me an email.   I would be very interested in going where ever you want to go.

Full of Grace

1.  That the pathology on some suspicion moles I had removed came back clear, as did my latest oncology blood work. *sigh of relief*

2.  The fragrance of a soft spring rain.

3.  Having the happy pleasure of meeting and sharing a meal with the amazing and soulful Em of  Poetlandia. 

4.  The tranquility of washing dishes by hand. 

5.  This headline -  Lesbian Lovers, Next Role for Cate Blanchett

     Oh, be still my heart.