July 1st was the anniversary of the death of the therapist, Lauren, who quite literally saved my life.
Every July her daughter and family visits from France, where they now live, for a family remembrance. This year she came alone because her husband is Muslim and they were afraid to enter this country. ( I truly have no words for the anger I feel toward this administration and the climate of fear it has created)
Still, her visit always reminds me to be grateful for a therapist who got me from point A (a barely functioning shell, lost in trauma and grief) to point B (a person who can love, and laugh and find joy in life again). It was exhausting work, took years, and the progress was anything but linear. She died before I got to the finish line, but she left me with enough tools to get there. And to stay grounded with only occasional setbacks.
I was thinking of her when I spoke to my nephew who is now in couple counseling, trying to save his marriage. He was telling me that the therapist (whom his wife chose) sits and listens to the complaints, often rolls her eyes, and has not given them any realistic suggestions - no insights, no suggestions, no strategies to practice. It has basically become a bitch session for his wife. No growth. No challenge. Really, no help in getting to the root of their problems. I gently suggested that perhaps he should find his own therapist, to support his own growth.
The more I chat with folks who have gone through trauma, the more I realize how lucky I was to have Lauren. So many times I hear stories of women who have basically become dependent on their therapist for support with no growth or healing happening - emotional crutches where dependency replaces growth, and little actually changes. Therapy, I think, should be a place to transform and build strength, even if the changes are small and incremental.
Lauren helped me do the hard work of becoming myself again. And though she’s gone, I carry her wisdom every day. Her legacy, for me and many others like me, reminds me that healing is possible—and that a truly good therapist can change, and even save, a life.
I feel so blessed.
I'm so glad you had Lauren. Your time with her was cut short but you held on to the tools and wisdom that she gave and look at your life now: It's real. It's good. It's blessed. I'm glad you get to maintain a relationship with her daughter and family (and I share your anger at the state of our country). You are a testament to the good that Lauren brought into the world.
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Honestly, sometimes I can't believe how good my life is now, and I often feel guilty about it. (Yes, still working thru things : ) But I do think I honor Lauren by my success, and try to keep paying that forward.
DeleteYou were so lucky to have found her and I'm so glad she was able to help you. I'm getting better at looking at the positives in my life, it helps that I'm not married to a narcissist anymore:)
ReplyDeleteOne of the tools Lauren gave me was to focus on gratitude. I know you have a lot of challenges in your life, so I'm glad you are able to look at the positives.
DeleteI wish I had the courage to do the work.
ReplyDeleteI know how hard it is to step outside that very protective shell. A good therapist can help you take those first tiny steps and still make you feel safe. All I can say is, for me, the rewards far outweighed the challenges. I wish the same for you.
ReplyDeleteAnger over the state of the country: ditto.
ReplyDeleteI too, am glad you and Lauren found one another; for the work you did together.
Bravo.
Thank god for Lauren, and agree with you.. you were lucky to have her on your side of the court!
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