A few things have happened recently that have altered my equilibrium, both externally and internally, and I am angry and anxious and feeling like my very carefully regulated peace of mind has shifted into unknown territory.
ICE has entered my calm, diverse neighborhood in the most horrifying way - at a middle school bus stop. Two unmarked, white vans were sitting at a bus stop with kids, ages 12-14. A mother stopped them and began filming. Fortunately, whoever they were targeting never showed up, but I can’t imagine the trauma those kids would have witnessed had they had to see one of their peers dragged away and shoved into a van. Our community was in an uproar. WTF is happening to our country?
My long-time dentist recently retired. I carry deep trauma surrounding choking on teeth that were kicked out. I never told my dentist the details, beyond having dental trauma, but somehow he always just seemed to get it. He always asked how I was doing, always gave me breaks during any procedure, always sensed when I was overwhelmed and let me walk around. Maybe because he donated a lot of his time to working with veterans. I don’t know. But he always managed to get me through dental work. And now I have a cracked tooth and will be seeing a new dentist. I know-or at least hope- that my anxiety is worse than anything I am actually going to experience. Still, I am bracing for a breakdown.
My nephew is separating from his wife. There has never been a divorce in my family and no one seems to know how to react to this news or how family relationships will change. Their issues mostly stem from disagreements on parenting and child discipline, and so I think, could be worked out with the help of a family therapist. I am hopeful but still very unsettled in this shift in family dynamics that once seemed so solid.
All together, these events have left me feeling unmoored. The stability I’ve fought for—in my mental peace, in relationships, and the sense of safety for my community—suddenly feels very fragile. I know life is unpredictable, and change is inevitable, but right now, I feel like the ground is shifting beneath me, unsure if there is any safe place to land.
I’m trying to find ways to hold myself steady, relying on all the old therapeutic tricks and building resilience amongst all the chaos. But honestly? More often than not, I just keep thinking about that musical: “Stop the World, I Want to Get Off”.
#2 made me want to cry. Nobody should have that memory, or had to have gone through that experience. I hope you find a good, kind, and compassionate dentist. The new ones coming up are so kind I find.
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