Not Okay

 

Stop Doing List

 Recently, I went down a bit of a rabbit hole.

It started with a visit to Middle Girl’s blog. Her artwork was beautiful, but it was the quote she featured—“Love is an action, never simply a feeling”—that really stuck with me. It reminded me of something I’d read years ago. I even commented, saying “Love is a verb,” though I couldn’t quite remember where I’d heard that phrase.

Turns out, I misattributed it—or at least half-remembered it. After some head-scratching and digging, I finally traced it back to Patty Digh and her book “Life is a Verb”—a book I actually own. Go figure.

As I reread some of her work, another quote of hers jumped out at me:

“Sometimes our stop-doing list needs to be bigger than our to-do list.”

And just like that, down another rabbit hole I went.

This time of year, my to-do list is packed with gardening tasks and outdoor chores. But the idea of a “stop-doing” list hit differently. It made me pause and consider what habits, thought patterns, and distractions I might need to let go of in order to create more space for presence, purpose, and connection.

Here’s what’s presently making it onto my stop-doing list:

Stop doom scrolling first thing in the morning. A quick check for new grandkid pics on my daughters’ socials is fine—then it’s time to get up and get moving.

Stop mindlessly eating. Food deserves intention, not distraction.

Stop avoiding triggers. After years and years of therapy, I estimate I have mastered about 95% of my former triggers. But I still find myself avoiding certain situations/people/conversations. Leaning into discomfort is often where the healing begins.

Stop dodging difficult conversations. Sometimes facing them can mend old wounds and strengthen bridges.

Stop taking relationships for granted. They require time, care, and attention. It’s too easy to coast on routine and shared history.

Stop tolerating the erosion of my boundaries. I once let a friend ridicule my critical boundaries and it caused so much damage that I’m still trying to untangle it.  But I have learned. Respect begins with me.

I am learning that love, connection, and purpose aren’t built through my busyness—they take root in the quiet moments I am making by releasing what no longer serves me.

Inquiring Minds

I have been home sick for the last 10 days.  First was the norovirus that came on suddenly and painfully. Vomiting and diarrhea added to the misery.  Finally  after four days of that and one day of feeling recovered, I have been felled by a nasty cough and cold.  

I always thank Martha for these contagions since she often subs in an elementary school - the petri dish of germs.  Thanks!

I have been using my down time reading historical novels which I prefer.  But as I lay in bed with tissues wadded up my nose, I thought of this question -

All these old century stories deal with horrible diseases - typhoid, Bubonic plaque, small pox.  But I have never read of a protagonist in earlier centuries having a common cold.  Did it not exist back then?  Did Michelangelo never sneeze on David?  Did Cleopatra never cough on Anthony?

And my burning question is - what did they use for tissues? This baby needs her Puffs Plus with Lotion and Vicks.  I can’t imagine rubbing rough papyrus on my already raw nose.

If you have any insight, please leave all scholarly research, or fantasy guesses in the comments.  Inquiring minds need to know.

Manifesting Kindness

I had meant to start January with a post about positivity and healthy resolutions.  But I got blindsided by a call saying that a friend’s granddaughter had committed suicide.  Seventeen years old.  Brillant.  Had just received early admission to the ivy league school of her choice.  It seemed that she was about to have everything she had worked so hard for.  But she also suffered from depression.  At first it was thought that she broke under the weight of academic pressure and expectation.  But her diary revealed that she was also being bullied at school.  Bullied to death.  It is unimaginably horrendous how some people treat others. 

She is the third person I know who lost their lives to depression.  I also have many friends and relatives who battle with this illness daily, to varying degrees.  I am far from an expert, but it seems like this illness is often triggered by, or reinforced by, a feeling of isolation, loneliness, or lack of support.   

Compounding the problem today, we are in the midst of very troubling times.  Politics, climate emergencies, broken health care, war.  So much pain and loss.  The causes for depression are multiplying. All, it seems, caused by greed and the insatiable desire for power and the need to feel better than someone else.  I read a lot about history, and my biggest take-away is that humanity has always had people with a mean streak, with the most powerful people putting down those without power. Always wanting more.  Always wanting to feel superior.  Always at someone else’s expense.  It’s a story as old as time. 

In the face of all the sadness and isolation, I want to do better for folks who are suffering.  I know they often mask their pain, and I wonder how many times I have completely missed the signs of a friend in need.  Last year I lost a former colleague who I thought to be one of the happiest people - always smiling, always volunteering for everything, always extra social.  She also suffered from depression.  But no one knew.  I just keep thinking about that - no one knew.

So one of my resolutions this year is to better educate myself on how to recognize and support folks who experience depression.  But I also have to acknowledge that in most cases, unfortunately, I won’t even recognize it.  So, what to do?   Researching about it, I came across this:

“Kindness serves as a powerful antidote to depression”

So my resolution for this year is to be more aware of all folks I encounter. Those close to me and those anywhere in my orbit. Even the mean and ornery ones. Even the red ones and the rude ones and the ones who wouldn't give me the time of day. Just be kind to everyone.  At every opportunity.  All the time.  It costs nothing.   

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