September has traditionally been a hard month for me. But what was once a debilitating time has settled into more of a dull ache, a tender heart, tears closer to the surface. I have learned to ride the wave of feelings and feel what needs to be felt. Fortunately with all the healing practices I have learned, I no longer get stuck in my head for long.
But this September has been a challenge. First, my little 8 week old granddaughter was admitted to a pediatric hospital not being able to hold down any food. She was born in the 38th percentile of weight and, in two months, had fallen to 4th. Then to complicate matters, she contracted Covid and was having difficulty breathing. Going to the hospital, seeing that tiny girl with an IV and on oxygen was heartbreaking. Once the oxygen was removed, she was put on a feeding tube. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt so helpless as when seeing my daughter, holding her baby, while tears spilled down her cheeks.
Then I got news that a friend had committed suicide. She and I had adjoining offices for over a decade and I knew her to be one of the friendliest people I knew. Always smiling, always lifting others up, always volunteering for every cause. Afterward, a relative said that she had always suffered from depression. No one knew. Our entire community was shocked. No one would have even guessed. It haunts me that someone could carry so much pain. Silently.
Lastly, a dear friend suffered the unimaginable death of her 4 year old daughter and 5 year old nephew, decades ago, to a drunk driver. Last year this friend moved to Arizona and recently called to say that the move is now permanent and she needed to come back to arrange for her daughter’s remains to be moved, to be with her. She stayed with us a couple of days and I accompanied her to the funeral director to arrange for the transfer. I sat in stunned silence. I can’t even imagine how a mother does this.
September. A time when I can easily fall into my own self pity has me profoundly aware of so much pain in the world. Yet my own therapy path also has me trained to find things to be grateful for, of which there are many. The baby is slowly improving. We went to three joy filled weddings. The light and leaves are changing making for an awesome landscape.
Still, I am struggling, knowing there is so much hidden suffering in the world.
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