Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Triggers

Trigger Warning: discussion of violence and sexual assault.

I was already down, violated and incapacitated when I felt it. The searing pain to my left jaw. My mouth filling with blood. Gagging. Dislodged teeth sliding down my throat, suffocating me to death while being pinned to the ground. It was at this moment that my psyche split and my I left my body behind to suffer the rest of it while I checked out.


I never could remember the details of the assault and rape. That moment when I thought I was going to literally choke to death was the line between being there fighting and then detaching, giving up, and seeing the onslaught as if I were floating above it.  An observer. My mind would never even let me question that I had a bridge of fake teeth or why my left foot was always so painful or why my cervix was so scarred that I could never have children.  Then years of therapy brought it all back.  

Long time readers of this blog have followed my therapy journey and my struggle to regain my mental health. But still I stumble.

A few weeks ago I was at the dentist for a new crown that required substantial work. I knew I was in trouble when I began to taste blood, I began to flail at the dentist and then he dropped the crown in my mouth. Panic.  Flashback.  I don’t remember much after that.

Triggers are strange and powerful  things. And while I now understand them much better, I still have to work myself back through stages of recovery.

- Shock. Triggers wipe me out physically and emotionally. I am able to put one foot in front of the other, but I am not at all present. I go through the motions of life but I’m so detached I have little memory of this stage which can last only minutes for mild triggers or, in this case, weeks.

- Awareness. Therapy has helped me be able to distinguish that the flashback memories happened in the past and are not happening again. It takes a lot of effort to calm the anxiety that triggers cause but I know I have many tools to help me through it once I am ready to use them.

- Self loathing.  It really bothers me that after all this time, and especially after so much therapy, that some triggers can still knock me on my ass.  It makes me feel very weak and powerless. I often beat myself up for still being a victim.

- Anger. Self loathing turns outward and I go through a short period of anger that this still has so much power over me.  It is an stage I have long ignored and am now exploring in therapy.

- Healing. After a period of isolation, I slowly force myself to reconnect - to nature, to people, to life. This is very difficult for me at first, but I also recognize it as so important to healing.

- Strength. I get very indignant and vow that I will get stronger and do better next time.




This last episode put a serious dent in my confidence to handle triggers as they inevitably come along. I am extremely fortunate to have Martha in my life as she allows me space to go through those early stages and then knows how to kick my butt when the time for healing comes.  And a best friend who gently sits with me in the calm and healing energy of nature.

I didn’t realize how long I have been absent from this space which is an important component of my journey. I am trying to reconnect and catch up on emails and blogs. I am back in therapy, full time. I am tending my gardens. And myself.

I am getting myself stronger.


18 comments:

  1. Well, from what you have been through, you wouldn't be human if you didn't stumble from time to time. I am glad you are working through it all and that you have a support system in place to help you.

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    1. I am most grateful for the people around me (and here) that always help me back up.

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  2. I am sending you heartfelt love and plenty of it.

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    1. Thank you, it is much appreciated !

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  3. i detest that this happened to you. you are my friend and i feel rage reading this. how many times i have told clients in my work as their therapist that it's important to know if a burger alarm is past or present. while i know this is helpful and true, your experience of triggers is brutal and raw. i know you are and will be okay because you are a wonderful and good person. but that this happened to you just sucks. it just sucks.

    love always
    kj

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    1. Of course, knowing that intellectually and feeling it emotionally are two entirely different things and something I worked years in therapy to ingrain in my psyche. This experience has just reminded me that it will be a life long effort which does indeed suck.

      And thank you for your kind words. I am better now. Much better.

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  4. This is not the same at all but an illustration of how our brain works to protect us. My patients undergo chemo, we poison them, make them sick, damn near kill them. We use a saline flush with our central lines and some people can smell or taste the saline as it goes in. It makes them feel nauseous or brings back many bad feelings and memories. Our brains are only trying to protect us from danger and they do a good job of it.

    What you went through is beyond horrific. Your brain remembers what happened, your body remembers what happened and the memories come flooding back to try and protect you. At least that's my theory. Be gentle with yourself. Your body, your brain are trying to protect you from bad things from happening. They can't differentiate between rape and assault and the dentist. Our bodies are hardwired for survival.

    At least that's my theory, although now that I think about it, I need to apply this theory to my life and my demons, and quit beating myself up. I can't begin to imagine what you went through and I'm so sorry that it happened. I am also so thankful that you have a wonderful partner to be there for you while your demons visit. Sending hugs.

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    1. I do find it fascinating how the brain works, and also exacerbating at the same time. I agree with your theory - the brain is triggered and can't distinguish now from then and so moves to protect. But I also think it can be trained. I have certainly conquered many of my "smaller" triggers" through rigorous therapy.

      Thanks for the hugs and taking the time to comment. Both are much appreciated.

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  5. Agree with all above - esp what Lily said about our brain and body trying to help us. Very glad you have the partner you have and that you make the continual choice to persevere... then rest and persevere, rest and persevere.

    I've been thinking a lot about self-hatred lately, trying to understand it in myself and others. It seems like one more hopeless futile effort to avoid how out of control we are in some parts of life, to avoid how hard and painful life can be, how slow our progress it is, how difficult it is to persevere at that progress. When we've done all we can and things are still hard or slow or painful, then we reach for the only tool we have left to make the pain and discomfort go away: self-hatred.

    Of course, it doesn't work. It only makes it worse - but that doesn't stop us from doing it.

    I have deep respect for you and wish you much tenderness and patience with yourself and your process. I also hope you can see and feel that you are not alone.

    ZC

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    1. That is a great point about self-hatred's connection to lack of control and just gave me an "aha" moment. It is something I will flesh out more with my therapist.

      Thank you for your kind words and wishes.

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  6. Oh, 8. I'm so sorry. Sorry that the triggers are still so strong. Sorry that you have to fight this same battle yet again. Sorry, no, sorrowful that this terrible crime happened in the first place.

    I had been wondering where you were. In my mind you were enjoying the new deck, floating at the lake, tending your garden... all those restorative, normal, happy summertime activities. I'm so very sorry that this was not the case.

    I'm glad that you are back in therapy full time (however often that is). You have made so much progress in your healing, please believe that you will continue to heal. The triggers may be there forever, but your response to them has already shifted so much that you handle them differently now, better now. Ok, so this one knocked you on your ass. You will recover from it and you will carry on with your life. Your one wild and precious life.

    You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Please believe in yourself as much as we believe in you. Direct your anger outward, not inward. I understand the frustration of wanting the triggering to stop and being unable to make that happen. But, please, be gentle with yourself. You've made enormous progress, and you are still progressing.

    Sending you so much love...
    xoxoxoxoxo
    e

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    1. Fortunately, it was only this ONE trigger and I have gotten back up and feeling much better. I have been floating and hiking and tending - all in the interest of recovery, of course : ) I am fortunate to have such activities when I need to disconnect. And also fortunate to have such great friends around when I'm ready to reconnect.

      Thanks for being one of them!

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  7. Reacting to a trigger does NOT mean you haven't made progress. Triggers are so powerfully wired in during a trauma. You survived. That's what matters.

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  8. thinking of you and thinking you should come to ptown :^)
    love
    kj

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    1. I agree! At least, if by 'ptown' you mean Portland Oregon!

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    2. no no no i mean provincetown, cape cod, massachusetts usa

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  9. I don't know how I missed this post. Here I am, on the bus clearing clutter from my reader and here thos is sitting un-read and non-comment. I am sorry you continue to suffer thw setbacks. I am thankful you have Martha and resources to pull you back to right. My thoughts are with you.

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