Thursday, March 5, 2015

Vanderbilt Reflections

This post generically discusses rape and rape culture.  It may be triggering for some, however, there are no graphic details.  It is intended to be more of a journal entry to document my present feelings and questions so that I eventually have a full story of my own healing journey from traumatic, violent rape.


The headlines were hard to avoid.   Four men accused of gang rape at Vanderbilt College.

The headlines themselves would have been enough of a trigger for me in the past to reduce me to a cowering anxiety riddled mess for days.  But I have read the story and I have found myself with more and more questions about rape.

Years of therapy seem to have gotten me over the debilitating reaction.  It still amazes me - knowing how devastating my reaction to this event would have been just a few years ago and how my emotions have changed.  No, emotions is the wrong word.  More like how much more control I have over staying in the present.  

In some weird way, I like these “tests” that continue to give me confidence that I have conquered the demons that haunted me for so long.

And so I was able to read some of the details of what happened at Vanderbilt and I was horrified, as I’m sure everyone was.  

Sometimes I think I understand rape, and then something like this happens and the I once again realize that is is beyond my comprehension.

How does anyone treat another living thing so horrifically?  I have lived through it and still can’t get my head around it.

And to abuse another human and record it?  What is the psychology of that?

I sort of understand the academic opinion that rape is about power but where is the power in dehumanizing an unconscious body?   I always thought that rapists got off on the struggle.  But where is the struggle here?   

Sometimes I think rape is more about a feeling of ownership or entitlement  - that these men felt that they owned this woman and could do whatever they wanted.  Much like I think how slave owners felt they could treat their slaves.  But I own animals and would never think to mistreat them. (although I know some people do)   What is it that  give some people license to do horrendous things to other souls?   I’m not sure if my question is more about the what gives people license, or more about how/why people can do such horrendous things to other people.  

Somewhere deep inside me I think I need an answer to this question before I can find a final peace.  Or maybe there is no peace.

Are rapists always rapists like pedophiles are always pedophiles just waiting for an opportunity?  Or can rape be a one time event triggered by some demon inside the rapist?   Having just written that I realize that it is probably the same thing.   But I look at  these 4 very privileged, well-educated men, and I assume they were brought up in somewhat loving homes and wonder why?   What makes them think this is okay behavior?   Not only okay at the time, but to record to brag about later? Wouldn’t anyone seeing that video look at it and see these men as perverted monsters?


I can’t imagine what his woman must be going through.  She states she doesn’t remember what happened that night but I know that somewhere, deep down, her body remembers.   I know that my body still reacts reflectively to certain actions.  My brain may now be able to understand and calm triggers, but my body will defend itself from them automatically.  It took me a long time to even understand why these reflexes were happening.  Now I understand them, but I can’t stop them.  Nor do I want to.  I appreciate that they are there to protect me.

I still can’t get past a general relief that camera phones were not  around during our assault.  I can’t even imagine what that must feel like.  That people recorded these perverted actions so that  . . .  so that why?  Why would someone do that?  That they could share it with others?  My stomach still churns at the remembrance of men laughing and jeering at us.  That these humiliations could then be seen by countless others to also jeer at?   I don’t know how this woman will ever overcome it.   I hope she gets help a lot sooner than I did.



And so I just realized as I wrote this that the next step in my journey is to better understand the other side of the equation.  I have learned to accept and cope with what happened to me and Daphne.  I have done a lot of important healing.   Now I want to understand the *why* of rape happens at all.   




18 comments:

  1. You know how she will get over it - you've traveled that road yourself and so have many of others of us. She will find solace in like minded souls and find strength in the light they bring to her life. She will make many, many friends she never would have had otherwise. I do not for one second wish rape on anyone, but I am far enough along on my own journey of healing to know that it brings its own set of "gifts" that wouldn't be open to us had we not survived the horrifying event in the first place. I know I chose, on some level, to come here and experience this experience and I know it wasn't for the rape, so it must have been for all the good that came after it.

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    1. I've thought a lot about this since reading your comment. I can say that cancer definitely gave me gifts. But rape? No. Perhaps because in my case it was so violent, so cruel, so humiliating. And I lost so much - the person I loved, the ability to have children, my sense of any safety, my whole identity. I suppose finally coming to some place of healing taught me something but I just can't see it as a gift.

      I hope you are right and this woman finds the help and support she needs. I pray for her.

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  2. But thank god there was a video in this circumstance because otherwise these animals would have gotten off the hook with the "affluenza" defense. The people who go to these schools are too rich and too spoiled and so fuckin entitled that they don't even realize that their behavior is not human. They all demand to be treated like gods and treat everyone else like shit. And when they are finally called on it, their defense is "oh well, I guess I had too many martinis." wink, wink, nod, nod.

    It's time we start talking about the brutality of classism in this country.

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    1. I suppose you are right about having evidence that a jury could see. I'm sure the sheer disgust of the events was enough to put these guys away. Still, it must be horrendous for this woman to have other people viewing it.

      It is kind of ironic that I knew a woman who went to Vanderbilt who had the same attitude - she DEMANDED respect from others but could not respect any of my boundaries, and treated others terribly. I agree with you - the arrogance of class can be a very dangerous thing.

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  3. I have too many thoughts and opinions to put them all in a comment (especially with the Google giving me trouble), but I will say this: I am so impressed with your incredible growth and resilience and strength. You are a wonderful example of overcoming horror. Overcoming fear and despair. So many people are not able to do that. You, my dear 8, are a testament to refusing to give up.
    As always, I'm sending you love...
    Xoxox
    e

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    1. I have to say that I am very proud of the work that I did. But even more so I am grateful to have the people who supported me. And you, my friend, are always included in that list. Love right back at you.

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  4. My thoughts are quickly outgrowing a comment box. I will send you an email later this weekend.

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    1. Thank you. I haven't had a chance to read the articles but I will. And thank you for your support and prayers.

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  5. I googled that case and the first hit was on the Sports Illustrated story about it. Next to the article was an advertisement with a photo of a barely-covered model in a swimsuit. And I thought that said it all. Are we surprised that we have a rape culture when women are so consistently objectified? When our bodies are used to sell things? When popular books and movies tell us women want to be beaten and raped because it's sexy? We need a whole-sale change in how women are treated and how we raise our sons.

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    1. I am rather surprised that you had to google this case as you live so close to it. I would have thought that you would have been inundated with the news. And while I agree with you that our culture objectifies women and use sex to sell everything, I'm not sure there is a correlation between that and rape. Most experts say that rape is not about sex, but I'm not so sure about that either. Which I suppose is why I am finding the need to understand it better.

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  6. I think it is an impossible question to answer. How can a man burn another man alive in a cage? I don't think there is an answer to pure evil.

    I keep trying to write more than that but nothing comes through except my anger. I am just so very happy that you had the final word by healing and living so beautifully.

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    1. That is a good point, but sad to think about - are some people just evil, no matter what?

      Thank you for your kind words and your support.

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  7. With a society that glorifies violence, sex and devalue women on several tiers, stands to reason we have what we have. Chilling.

    Your recovery and growth is nothing short of remarkable. All hails to you and your networks of support

    *edited many times over, thanks to Blogger mess* .

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    1. I do worry about the level of violence that is now accepted in our society. Chilling is exactly the word.

      All hails indeed.

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  8. Finally. Thank you Blogger.

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  9. Are people having problems with blogger everywhere, or just my blog? I have never changed any of my security settings so I'm not sure why it is suddenly a problem. But I am sorry folks are having this issue and especially appreciative for your perseverance.

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  10. I often have an issue, on all blogspot blogs if I try to log in to my google account to leave a comment. I have found it easier just to comment as anonymous and then sign my name, which I forgot to do on my first comment here. - Michele

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  11. I have no clue of the why. It is frightening how evil people can be. You have come so far in your journey - so much to be proud of. I also can't imagine so many people witnessing it and not doing anything about it.

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