March has traditionally been a difficult month for me. The 1st was Daphne’s birthday. There was a time that I would retreat from the world, wallow in traumatic memories and tremble in it for days. As I healed the day became more of a day of sadness and quiet reflection. Then years ago I learned where she was buried and I would commemorate the day by making the trip to visit her grave. This year the date came and went and I didn't even notice.
Three years ago on March 4th my mother died. I miss my mother terribly. I think of her everyday. And yet March 4th passed and I never felt the significance.
Last week I had an appointment with my new urologist at a new location. The address didn't ring any bells and when I got there I wandered into the medical arts building looking for his office. It wasn't until I walked down one hall that I realized that the office I had just passed was once Lauren’s office, my dear friend and therapist who saw me through the worst of it and then died suddenly. I had been in this building hundreds of times.
I’m not sure what this even means.
When I started the exposure therapy I was afraid that the process would severely desensitize my emotions to a point where I was so exposed to intense feelings that I wouldn't be able to feel anymore. I don’t know if this is what’s happening. Maybe I have just moved on with my life to such a point that the past is not clinging to me like a ball and chain. Maybe March has been a month filled with such fun, non-medical things that I just breezed through it?
Still, how could I forget Daphne’s birthday? My mother’s passing? Lauren?
I am feeling extremely disloyal to these women who have been the very foundation of all that is good in my life.
I am more than just a little concerned.