Thursday, October 24, 2013

Secrets

Secrets.


Do you have secrets?


I once asked someone their opinion about whether I should tell my daughters about my rape and the events surrounding it.   Her response was “you are only as sick as the secrets you keep.”


That wounded me deeply because at the time I was working so hard in therapy to work through the trauma.  I was not keeping it a secret.  It was just always something I could not give voice to, and I still struggle saying it.  But not being able to talk about something is different that purposely hiding it, I think.  And being able to speak about it has been the whole point of therapy - holding in traumatic memories is not good for one’s mental or physical health.  


You are only as sick as the secrets you keep.  


Still, I think I agree with this sentiment.  In my life I can only think of two things that I kept secret and each one has eaten away at me.


One, that I now confess, is that when I was very young I once pulled the legs off of a daddy long-legged spider, leaving it with one leg.  Terrible, I know.  The image of it trying to hobble away still haunts.  Nothing I can do about it at this point, but now I never kill spiders, or any bugs for that matter. I believe in the bug relocation program.  But every time I relocate a spider, I think about that daddy long-leg.  Very disturbing. Some secrets you just can’t shake.


Second, when I was in High School I said something incredibly mean and nasty to a friend.   It ended the friendship, of course.   That also haunted me terribly and for years afterward I tried to locate her so I could apologize.   Then, just a few years ago, by brother-in-law mentioned that he had met her - she was working in a hotel in the south.  And so I wrote her a long and heartfelt apology which she graciously accepted.   I felt released from decades of self-imposed misery.  


You are only as sick as the secrets you keep.  


The other side of the equation is the secrets I keep for other people.  I am never comfortable with this.  Both my daughters came to me when they wanted birth control.  “Don’t tell mommy, please.”  And I didn't, although I still don’t know if that was the right decision.   Fortunately we are past it being as issue.


I once saw a friend’s husband (also a friend) with another woman and didn't know what to do with the information.  I agonized for quite some time.  Fortunately the wife learned about his dalliances another way and I was off the hook.  


Martha’s nephew’s wife recently came to me and confessed she was having an affair.  It was not a secret I wanted to hold and I told her so.   She did then confess to her husband.   It’s a mess.


A few years ago, the same person who told me “you are only as sick as the secrets you keep” told me a few of her secrets.  I didn't realize at the time that they were actually things that could be quite damaging to her and to her husband (even though she did actually write that it would be damaging if anyone knew. That part went right over my head.)  I thought it was just a friend sharing personal stuff and I am known to be discreet and nonjudgmental.  But a few days ago a different friend came into knowledge of these facts and totally wigged out.  She was rather accusatory and wondered why/how I could of kept this information to myself, when other people could be getting hurt. I feel caught between the moral obligation of disclosure and keeping a confidence.  But the disclosure is potentially career ending information which may, or may not, be relevant.


Secrets.  Is it ever good to have a secret?  Is confession truly good for the soul?   Is it wrong to keep someone else’s secrets?  Especially if it could be hurtful to someone else?   Either way it seems that keeping secrets, your own or someone else’s,  has a cost.

This is what is keeping me awake lately.   

17 comments:

  1. "You're only as sick as your secrets" is a saying in Alcoholics Anonymous. It is used to emphasize that addicts (not just alcoholics) deceive others to cover up their addiction and deceive themselves to deny they have one. It should never, ever be used in the context of someone going through trauma recovery! That was a thoughtless remark.

    I suppose, a good rule of thumb by which to live our lives is to try not to have any secrets to keep at all.

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    1. Thank you for this information. It clarifies something important to me.

      And I agree, it's probably best not to need to have secrets.

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  2. Secrets are tricky. I have a few--my own, my son's and my daughter's. They both share things with me they don't share with each other and I have it on excellent authority that they share things with one another that don't get shared with me (or others).

    Outside the immediate family, yes, there too.

    Is holding on to a secret lying by omission? I struggle with that aspect. There isn't an either/or and certainly isn't black or white.... each is a case by case, scenario by scenario choice. Each time was must prepare to suffer the consequences of said choice.

    Secrets are tricky.

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    1. We have a deal in our family that when our daughters are 30, they will tell us all the things they did that we never knew about. I figure by then I won't care, or I will be too senile to care : )

      And yes, I agree - secrets are tricky.

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  3. Like you, I have things I cannot talk about. The people who created these things in us are the ones who have the darkest secrets. If they have any conscience at all, these secrets must be like poison, eating them from the inside out. But I don't think they have any conscience since they were able to do these things in the first place.

    The person who told you those secrets must not have much of a conscience either if they admitted that the secret could damage others and they did nothing to change it. They are the sick ones. You obviously have a strong conscience. You should let it tell you what to do.



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    1. I am still agonizing over this. Mostly I resent being put in this position.

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  4. To the question of your moral dilemma - I think the way you handled the nephew's wife was appropriate and you should use the same tactic with this new situation. Tell the person(s) that you do not want to be holding this potentially damaging information and that if they do not disclose it properly, you will have to. It puts the decision to do the right thing on them . . . where it belongs.

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    1. Good advice but I'm not sure it fits this situation since I no longer have a relationship with the person who told me. Nor do I trust that they would do the right thing. *sigh*

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  5. The fact that your daughters came to you when they wanted birth control tells me that they are old enough to learn of your rape and the events that surround it. And how you have spoken of your daughters' support in the past tells me they will support you after you tell them. Then they'll ask, "Why did you wait so long to tell us?"

    I couldn't help but think what I did to ants when I was young when you mentioned what you did to a daddy long-legged spider. Let's just say it involved the sun and a magnifying glass. Thankfully, I am past that now. And the biggest secret which I finally disclosed to my entire family and relatives was when I came out after finding the love of my life. :-)

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    1. Steven, how nice to hear from you! And lovely to hear that you are still with the love of your life. I miss your blog and the updates to your life.

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  6. A secret that could hurt someone else is not a secret. It is a time bomb waiting to go off. Better to de-fuse it now than have it explode later.

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    1. Yes, a time bomb is a good description. That gave me much to think about.

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  7. My therapist emphasizes often that there is a difference between private and secret. A HUGE difference. When you need accountability or help, you still reach out and share only with those with whom you feel most safe. With others, you get to be as private as you wish. Not everyone needs to know everything. And sometimes, folks you'd expect to share with are actually folks you need not to share with. It's tricky, but it's true. Private and secret are different.

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    1. So nice to see you here again SO. I hope you are doing okay? I tend to worry when blogs go silent.

      Yep, I agree with you on the private vs. secret thing. I only wish that this person didn't share so much "private" stuff and put me in this unwanted position.

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  8. Sunshine is the best disinfectant for dirty little secrets.

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  9. My rule of thumb for secrets (which, as soon as ANYONE ELSE KNOWS can't be labeled a secret anymore....) and the dilemma of tell/share/not tell/not share is simple: is there a benefit to the disclosure, aside from clearing my conscious? And, as an added qualifier: is it a secret that will ripen and open on it's own, one way or another, without my intervention?

    I told a secret a very long time ago and created a maelstrom like you've never seen. I was only 16 and had seen my married brother out with another woman and told my parents. I should have let that one ripen and come on it's own. I did no good to anyone or anything by unloading my conscious.

    But a sticky wicket re: your rape and telling your daughters. Will they be helped in some meaningful way? Will it explain certain things to them? Will it help to keep them safer from the beasts that rape? Or will it only add a brick to the suitcase we all carry around on our backs full of knowledge that burdens us instead of release us?

    Hugs and more hugs.

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  10. I agree with Soprano. There are secrets and there are private matters that don't need to be aired in public. Sometimes it's a fine line deciding which is which. I have been the receiver of secrets, of personal private matters that friends chose to share with me, knowing that I wouldn't tell. I can keep a confidence.
    I think our society overshares way too much. Often, the best thing is to keep it to yourself.
    But, when someone tells you something and feels like a hot potato or a ticking time bomb... yes, that's different. It's a tough call. Each situation is different. Wish I could offer some helpful advice, but you're going to have to make the decision on this one. Ouch.

    xoxo
    ps: sorry to be so late in commenting!

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