Obviously I tempted the fates when I rejoiced in a whole week without a loved one in the hospital. Last night Peachie woke us up around 1 am to say she was having back pain. She had recently returned from a beach vacation where she had been jet skiing so my first thought was that she had wrenched her back. But when I pulled myself out of bed and saw her doubled over in pain, I recognized it. Kidney stones. I have had four and I know that look of OMG this effin’ hurts! So off to the emergency we went.
Fortunately it wasn't very crowded and they quickly escorted us to a cubby (they really don’t have rooms in the emergency room) to be examined. I froze. I felt it coming. I didn't realize that I have not been in an emergency room since I was there after the assault. I have absolutely no memory of it, I only know from being told I was there. But walking down that hall I felt the wave of terror coming. Martha must have see too because she very calming looked me in the eye and said “Go take a walk. Then come back. Your daughter needs you.”
I went back into the fresh air and started doing all my anxiety parlor tricks. And I kept thinking “I am over this now. I will not go back to fear. I have a core of iron (thank you e for that image I often use). I am stronger than my past and any trigger.”
And it passed.
I walked back into the ER - no I strutted back into the ER. I sat and held my daughter’s hand until they gave her some happy drugs. And six hours later we heard the happy news that it was not a kidney stone but a wicked kidney infection. A heavy dose of antibiotics and home we came.
I have been sitting for awhile thinking. I spoke too soon on loved ones in the hospital. (Maybe next week will be a medical free week). But I also recently wrote about reaching a new plateau in my healing recovery. I wrote it hoping against hope that it was true. And now, now I am truly beginning to believe it. Can PTSD be cured? I really don’t know. But I am beginning to feel confident that it can be successfully managed? Yes. Yes I am.
And now I am going to bed, happy with these victories, and hoping that I wake up to at least two SCOTUS decisions to celebrate.